I noticed something yesterday...most of the pull to eat at fast food places is gone. I remember how deep the pull was and now, if I feel anything at all, its a minor twinge...that is progress!! What I still have yet to conquer is the pantry and my late night eating. I know I need to give up my time relaxing at night after Daniel is in bed. If Ken stays up, I am ok but once he goes to bed...The desire kicks in and its hard to fight it. I have taken up knitting as an activity to help keep me occupied but the pull of late night eating is so much stronger right now!
Its funny how I can have the best, most controlled day of eating and I give it up so easily at night. I think what I need to do is to reset the armor in the evening...maybe alittle quiet time in the evening and I work to give up the alone time late night...I would like to get up earlier and have treadmill time every day...hmm, this all sounds like wisdom to me...changing old destructive behaviors
read Psalm 107...lots of crying out in distress and the Lord delivering the "Criers"...he satisfies the hungry soul and the hungry soul he fills with good things...I believe that!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
How time flies
How cliche is that title????
Its more like...I am going to take a break from this battle, I am growing weary of it and I know exactly how much time is flying by, I think about it everyday...every moment...with every morsel I put in my mouth but I need a break and I am just going to go into avoidance mode so I can just eat what I want...and we are going on vacation soon and that is always an excuse to overeat...it just wouldn't be vacation if I couldn't overindulge in boardwalk foods...and now I have committed to just being weak and sloppy and I know that 3, 4, 5 weeks have gone by...i'll just start again tomorrow.........................................
Its tomorrow!
Ok, so, now my true pattern is recorded for all to see. This is an incredibly ancient, classic Amy pattern of pushing and pushing and then avoiding and avoiding and then slipping and slipping.
I am going to do something different in reaction to it and not dwell on it, not make excuses and just get back to it.
Still the same weight, still lost 18 pounds on the first part of this journey, still exercising my body...still putting less food in my mouth...all positive things...I just lost sight of the true victory I was experiencing...I wasn't getting the weight loss I originally wanted and I could not get my eyes off that prize. But, what I was missing and de-emphasizing was the true heart change that was going on. It was real and through this little setback, so many of the things I learned were still being applied and had become part of me to the point of being able to recall as I needed to hear them.
Even writing this previous paragraph is completely energizing as I review the real growth I have had. Man! Satan really wants to downplay that...he wants me to lose my footing at every opportunity. I just forgot to be vigilant. I reread an entry where I read a passage in Daniel about him choosing to not partake in food from the kings table because he saw it as sinful indulgence. Imagine choosing not to indulge...to make the conscious choice to eat food that tastes ok but is less filling and less satisfying for the sake of eating with discipline...who does that? I must do that. I must make that choice...there are consequences to each side and I do not want to lose out on the real prize...rich and delectable foods are not the real prize...its a fleeting one that looks good and is familiar but always takes me to a dangerous end.
I do know one very important thing as I restart on this road...I must be in the word daily, no question, no excuses...I crack open the bible and just read a few verses and the strength just bubbles up from within...this is truly where I get all my strength, I am just a mess of avoidance and slippage without it. I thought about this the other day at the playground with Daniel. At Masons mill park, there is this dual sliding board with an identical right and left slide...they look completely identical but Daniel always chooses the right one and I have to coax him to go down the left. What does the right slide have that the left doesn't? The day I was there with him...there was a little girl standing at the bottom in front of the right slide. I gently suggested he go down the left. He looked at me, looked at the little girl and disregarded my second and third stronger pleas to go down the left...It truly was his choice as I couldn't reach him...he went down the right and had to stop himself at the bottom to avoid hitting the little girl. We want what we want, don't we? We want the familiar even though we see imminent danger to us and to others...it just doesn't seem to matter enough...we want the familiar so much we miss out on the free and open slide to the bottom by just trying something different as suggested by someone who has our best interest and the best interest of others at heart.
God, I know you forgive me...I have asked and you have granted it...I am just not going to sling this 6 week slip over my shoulder and carry it around with me. You tell me to cast my burdens on you and I am choosing to do so...here you go...just did! Now, back on the road to true freedom.
Its more like...I am going to take a break from this battle, I am growing weary of it and I know exactly how much time is flying by, I think about it everyday...every moment...with every morsel I put in my mouth but I need a break and I am just going to go into avoidance mode so I can just eat what I want...and we are going on vacation soon and that is always an excuse to overeat...it just wouldn't be vacation if I couldn't overindulge in boardwalk foods...and now I have committed to just being weak and sloppy and I know that 3, 4, 5 weeks have gone by...i'll just start again tomorrow.........................................
Its tomorrow!
Ok, so, now my true pattern is recorded for all to see. This is an incredibly ancient, classic Amy pattern of pushing and pushing and then avoiding and avoiding and then slipping and slipping.
I am going to do something different in reaction to it and not dwell on it, not make excuses and just get back to it.
Still the same weight, still lost 18 pounds on the first part of this journey, still exercising my body...still putting less food in my mouth...all positive things...I just lost sight of the true victory I was experiencing...I wasn't getting the weight loss I originally wanted and I could not get my eyes off that prize. But, what I was missing and de-emphasizing was the true heart change that was going on. It was real and through this little setback, so many of the things I learned were still being applied and had become part of me to the point of being able to recall as I needed to hear them.
Even writing this previous paragraph is completely energizing as I review the real growth I have had. Man! Satan really wants to downplay that...he wants me to lose my footing at every opportunity. I just forgot to be vigilant. I reread an entry where I read a passage in Daniel about him choosing to not partake in food from the kings table because he saw it as sinful indulgence. Imagine choosing not to indulge...to make the conscious choice to eat food that tastes ok but is less filling and less satisfying for the sake of eating with discipline...who does that? I must do that. I must make that choice...there are consequences to each side and I do not want to lose out on the real prize...rich and delectable foods are not the real prize...its a fleeting one that looks good and is familiar but always takes me to a dangerous end.
I do know one very important thing as I restart on this road...I must be in the word daily, no question, no excuses...I crack open the bible and just read a few verses and the strength just bubbles up from within...this is truly where I get all my strength, I am just a mess of avoidance and slippage without it. I thought about this the other day at the playground with Daniel. At Masons mill park, there is this dual sliding board with an identical right and left slide...they look completely identical but Daniel always chooses the right one and I have to coax him to go down the left. What does the right slide have that the left doesn't? The day I was there with him...there was a little girl standing at the bottom in front of the right slide. I gently suggested he go down the left. He looked at me, looked at the little girl and disregarded my second and third stronger pleas to go down the left...It truly was his choice as I couldn't reach him...he went down the right and had to stop himself at the bottom to avoid hitting the little girl. We want what we want, don't we? We want the familiar even though we see imminent danger to us and to others...it just doesn't seem to matter enough...we want the familiar so much we miss out on the free and open slide to the bottom by just trying something different as suggested by someone who has our best interest and the best interest of others at heart.
God, I know you forgive me...I have asked and you have granted it...I am just not going to sling this 6 week slip over my shoulder and carry it around with me. You tell me to cast my burdens on you and I am choosing to do so...here you go...just did! Now, back on the road to true freedom.
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