Day 58 - Losing Momentum

I feel like its been so long since my last post. Since then, the scale has not moved. I ate well last week with a few days over my 2000 calorie limit but i didn't think much of it until I stepped on the scale and saw no progress. My reaction to this?? At first I shrugged it off, thinking I am doing great and I am not a slave to the scale..who is my God here...and it turns out that the scale is still controlling me fairly deeply. I am still looking to weight loss as my barometer. I sunk a little bit emotionally within 24 hours of stepping on it. I got a bit discouraged..then I overate for 2 days. I could say why do I do this but I know why. I have identified the patterns and at least some of the reasons I react this way..can I do much to stop the downward spiral...I am still struggling with this...I want to change my body so desperately..God, do you know this..do you know that I really want to be free of carrying around this weight..of looking in the mirror and hating what I see..of running after Daniel and hurting...of taking so many medications and feeling so uncomfortable when summer rolls around...I am so sick of this aspect of the struggle..the condition of my body...not seeing even 1 pound gone after a week of suffering through hunger makes me very sad.

Remind me again why I am doing this..why I am taking it slow and going from the inside out...why weight loss should not be my primary goal? Why is it that one plateau week or 2 overshadows all the great work and progress I have experienced so far. Its maddening that I do this to myself.

What I am recognizing is that ever since the 40 days were up..I stopped reading, searching, praying, seeking every day...I am loosing momentum and I am noticing that I am all of a sudden lacking strength to resist temptation..I am experiencing more resentment about having to remain hungry. I am nibbling here and there more..the old patterns are ready and waiting in the wings to sneak back onto the stage and make their presence known.

I have to fight through this...I have tasted freedom from this..why is that taste not enough to keep me moving toward it...why are my old pattern still so comforting?

Day 49 - Pinching myself

Well...stepped on the scale yesterday...I have lost 16 pounds!!!!!! I have this real weird relationship with the scale. I really want to know what it has to say but I do what I can to avoid stepping on it....it has some wicked power over me just like food...The number I see could make or break me for days or even weeks afterwards. I am pretty sure I need it to help measure...kind of like how my glucometer measures where I am with my blood sugar. It does help me step out of destructive behaviors..as I see the weight go up..its a meter of sorts to tell me how to adjust my eating....I have to deny the urges to step on it everyday...I can go into a dependence on it in a split second...as long as it remains a tool and not my God...it will stay a part of this process.

So, now for the most remarkable progress...I was at Directbuy yesterday..you know..a Saturday...with the donut box there like a paid employee..doing its job to temp and destroy!! I was ok all morning..passing by repeatedly and trying to muster up a "laughing" attitude. Then lunch approached and I realized that I did not bring anything. It was too busy to run out, maybe I will order a sandwich...oops, I gave Ken all my money last night. There I was without the tools to eat well...all I had for fuel was a vending machine in the warehouse full of snacks and...yes, the box of donuts!!!

I was going to try to make it til 4pm when I could get something on the way home but this is a problem because A. I will be over hungry and my blood sugar will be low...I will overeat! B. It messes up my schedule for the rest of the day..eat on the way home..not hungry for dinner..then ravenous around 8pm...I will overeat!!! So what is my best option...my thoughts went back to the donuts...ok, exactly how bad is a donut. I know its full of sugar but let me just see what the nutritional value is...so I went online and discovered that 1 boston creme donut is about 240 calories. I looked at my calorie count for the day...I actually can eat this donut as my lunch and it will fit in with my calorie content for the day. Are donuts actually the enemy or is it really the desire to indulge..the love of the act of losing control and stuffing my face full of donuts?

OK, I am going to do this...I went and got a napkin and opened the box...there they were in all their glory. Should I be doing this, I thought am I throwing all of my progress out the window...something was nudging me forward and it didn't seem like greed or gluttony...I chose a plump and delicious looking boston creme and went and sat down. I did nothing else while I enjoyed the donut piece by piece...savoring every bite. I was a bit unsure if this would send me off the deep end into a binge but I went ahead anyway, trusting that this was ok and finished it up. Knowing that this was my chosen lunch. I got up and went about my day.

Guess what...I did want another one but the craving was small and weak...almost a whisper...easy to deny....I think at that very moment, I conquered the box of donuts...after years of worshiping it and eating from it as if it was going to satisfy my desires..then weeks of wrestling with the denial of it as if it was the enemy and making the choice to suffer without it...I established this new relationship with it. It no longer has the power over me it once had. With my changed heart and my new found love of control and restraint...I can enjoy a donut here and there. It actual did fuel me enough to get home and eat a dinner with control and restraint..no binges and the temptation was barely even a blip on my radar...unbelievable...how amazing are you Lord...No food is unclean you say? I believe you...I believe that you give back to me threefold in unexpected ways that will completely blow my mind, all I have to do is trust you.

I was floating the rest of the day...it was a real victory...an unexpected one because I thought the evidence of the battle already won was the ability to walk by it daily and not move toward it and scarf 3 or 4 of them down in secret.

I am on an amazing path toward freedom. I sat in church today with emotion welling up in me as they read verses during worship that were just taylor made for me...I am feeling propelled forward just like I did through the process of adopting Daniel...through uncharted waters with a sense of confidence that the ground would just be there as I take each step...

What is God going to show me next... I am giddy with excitement and so so thankful.

Day 46 - Still working at this

Been thinking about this concept of craving the act of indulging more than the actual food. Now that I am aware of this, I really see how much I have been a pleasure seeker...not that I didn't see this or know this about myself...I just see it a little more clearly...how self-indulgent I have always been...I say this like I am now, done, with being self-indulgent...I am laughing here!

I can see the episodes where I would really binge..letting go of all restraint..planning it..looking forward to it...Sometimes it would sneak up on me disguised as hunger. Other times it would be a planned event. The binge would start with a calming effect...as I would just eat without caring how much I was eating...the pleasure it would bring me..the act of totally giving in..totally enjoying the taste and texture of the food...letting go of all restraint and control..knowing that I could eat until I was stuffed..as much as I wanted..binges almost always would involve another activity like TV watching or driving etc..something to totally distract my thinking...I didn't really want to focus on the eating...I just wanted to experience it.

Then, at some point throughout the binge...or after the binge..I mean at some point you just stop...I do not remember what would make me stop...I guess I would wake up from my gluttonous stupor and the fear would set in..what have I done...not again...then the downward spiral of bad feelings, the self-loathing etc..The God I had chosen during those binges was not a faithful god...it was a deceiving one...one that promised sweet release...the freedom of the moment with Hell to pay afterward...why was I held down for so long...I was kept in that prison for most of my childhood and adulthood.

You know what the prison is now that I toy with? Why am I not losing weight faster. I want the scale to be my guide as to how I am doing...I want to be on it every day...maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring it into my home. I believe that it is a good tool but an easy one to distort.

The suffering through hunger on a daily basis is still so hard...sometimes I win that battle, sometimes i lose it. The end of the day seems to be the hardest time.James 5:7 & 8 remind me to be patient in the midst of suffering because the Lord is drawing near. He uses the farmer reference..waiting for the land to yield its crop...I am waiting for this body to get smaller...its so hard to be patient through this process. I want to see the big outward changes. I want everyone to see the evidence of my battle. Why are the internal changes not enough for me...they are huge.

I know that there is more work that needs to be done on me on the inside...I am sooooo impatient. What I do know is that..if I do not let God continue refining me the way he wants to...any weight I do lose has absolutely no chance of staying off...Keep refining me Lord.

What the @^%*)$

I have another urinary tract infection. The title expresses my level of frustration!!!!! I immediately wanted to anesthetize myself with something sweet...why do I do this? I have not indulged....

Help me!!!

Day 43 - Some More Insight

I realized something new yesterday. As I was headed towards the grocery store, I got a craving for a cadbury egg. I love them..the milk chocolate outside with that creamy egg inside. But, my craving was not just to taste one, my craving was to eat many..like I knew I would not be satisfied with just one. If I was going to eat them..it would definitely be like 3 or 4.

I realized that what I was really craving was the experience of overeating. The experience of totally giving in to what my flesh wanted.It went way beyond taste. It was the sinful act of gluttony I was after.

I didn't eat any eggs but it was very cool to see more of the beast I was fighting against. I did slightly overeat yesterday...it is much harder when I am at home on the weekends to stay vigilant.

Day 42 - After the Dinner Event

I went to get the dessert yesterday and I almost got 2 of them...I was deliberating "if I get cake maybe someone doesn't like cake so I will get a cake and a pie etc...I just got a cake...a small one. I have to stop over-buying. The cake ended up being eaten by all with some left over. I froze when our hostess asked me to take the rest home. Luckily another guest offered to take the rest..whew, dodged that bullet!

Dinner went well...I ate very good portions and did not indulge in the appetizers put out before dinner. There was great conversation...The food was wonderful but it was not the focus of my evening. Still learning and still growing in my strength to resist..this was a little victory.

Day 41 Day to Day Suffering

I believe that God is asking me to embrace the suffering that comes along with being hungry. It is real suffering for me. It is hard work to stay vigilant. Got invited to dinner tonight and then asked to bring dessert...funny! I am doing something different this morning...I am planning my food day to work in a potential dessert...that means no mistakes today...can I do it?

This will be hard but I do have the power to chose who I will follow today. I think I will call for prayer...I need to be prayed up today.

Day 40 - What is there left to say?

Its day 40 and I really wanted to mark this day with a day of perfect eating...which means some suffering. So far, so good...but I am HUUUNNNGGGRRRRYYYY! I still do not like this feeling. It makes me nervous and irritable...it is truly a battle...I think there is alot more to say and explore...I am going to keep this journal going..not every day but a commitment to at least a few entries a week...thank you prayer circle..for your support and faithfulness and for holding me up in prayer...it has been a very important part propelling me forward...please feel free to continue to check in with me on my journey...I appreciate any prayer you send my way...

More to come!

Day 39 - A study of Addiction

Its the morning before the 40th day...whats left, I ask myself...I made the decision that I set out to make...why keep doing this? Because the quest has just begun...I still need to learn to eat even less food. I still need to learn to make the right choice every time and not be led by my emotions or the circumstances of the day. There are so many little jewels of insight yet to come and I am hungry for it...oops gotta go..more later!

Here it is the end of the day....Had a good day today.... ate about 2200 calories..seems to be where I am hovering. I am going to go to bed empty and hungry. The hunger is hard...I just feel compelled to fill it...I hate the convincing arguments I hear in my head..why it would be ok to eat...it is such a lie...one that I often come close to believing.

I was recently in a discussion about addiction with my counselor that I have been seeing for years. I started seeing him back when I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship in 1990. I accepted Jesus right there together with him in his office in Quakertown and my life has never been the same since. He has been the vessel that God has used for so much healing in my life...He as become a life coach and a spiritual father to me over the years...he broke it down for me...

3 parts to an addiction struggle:

Body (or physical), Soul (emotional) and spiritual (part that is in constant contact with God)
The physical part of it is my appetite, the habits that I have formed over the years and my genetic predisposition to struggle with obesity. I have spent years setting the neuropathways to overeat...I have let my appetite get out of control and now it is larger than life...way beyond what I need to live. The problem with surgery, for me, is that it would restrict the amount of food I could take in at one time but would do little to change my appetite..the habit to overeat would make it an excruciating experience. I think to really change your appetite or your habitual behaviors, you need to address the second part of the struggle...the psyche...which is my thought life and attitude toward food...I need to disconnect my warped emotional connection to food. Once I realized that I need to tap into the emotional struggle before the physical would really change...I realized something else..that there was so much to unwrap...I wasn't sure who I had let be in control of my emotions and who or what was influencing them. I needed to correct the spiritual leading of my heart or nothing would ever be accomplished. I was open to anyone or anything that was willing or attractive and wanted to lead me...I had to make a choice of who to serve in my heart...I had to really believe that the Lord's leading has so much power in it..power for good and freedom. Do I hear God's voice regulating my intake of food at every meal..not yet but I am moving in that direction...this journey has increased my sensitivity to the voice and the power

This must be what it feels like to be sober from alcohol or clean from a drug habit...an awakening from a scary lifestyle but knowing that you are one wrong step away from destruction...I know that I am one bite away from disobedience and the consequences of it...I will get stronger and I won't feel this close to the edge someday...can't wait for that day!

Day 38 The Awakening

As I approach the end of what I committed to...this 40 day journey, I realize that I many miles to go before I am truly free of this struggle...this addiction...will I ever truly be free? This started out as a quest to find the answer to a life changing question..surgery or no surgery? I asked for clarity, knowledge and strength...I got all that I asked for and then some...isn't that just like God.

The answer to my question? Clearly, God has something exciting to show me about food and weight loss. He has equipped me with the strength and power to eat less and the clarity to see what I have done wrong all these years...the clarity to see the struggle on so many different levels..am I smaller...yes, my body is actually smaller than when I started...a few pounds lost...the real weight that has been lifted off me is the despair and the years of failure...the overstuffed body and heart..the mind full of fear over this and the strong voice of food has been overshadowed by the stronger voice of control and restraint...sounds like I have arrived, doesn't it? Hardly...the joy and freedom that I have now is just a small glimpse of what is to come. As I keep growing and learning and seeking, I truly believe that the weight will come off...I have never truly believed this in any diet I have ever tried. As the weight came off in each diet I tried...I would throw it in the sack I still had over my shoulder...ready to put it back on at any moment....This time, I have dropped the sack...I am just not willing to carry it all around with me any more.

Oh yea, the answer is...no surgery...not now. It would just be another prison for me...another way to take this journey into my own hands...The surgery would certainly take off the weight but would I be putting it in the sack on my back? Surgery is a good tool to regain health...I believe that God has a better tool for me. Did you ever need to nail something into a wall and you just couldn't find a hammer so you use the back of a flashlight or something else heavy that you know will do the trick but isn't the real tool to get the job done? In your impatience to get the job done you decide not to go look for the hammer, the flashlight should do the trick. The nail goes in but it's crooked and breaks the wall around it and you have trouble actually getting it in to the wall..if you had the real secret, the hammer..the nail would drive in perfectly..silly analogy but this picture just came to me...I am in the search for the hammer, knowing and believing that it will do the job right...

Busy day today but I ate well.....getting prayed up as we speak and setting my focus for tomorrow.

Read Matthew 6 earlier today , the tail end..Treasures in Heaven and Do Not Worry passages...lots of good stuff. I am storing up way less earthly treasures...leaving room in my body and heart for the real treasure. I have served the master of food for so long. Matthew 6 24 says that no one can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other or he will be devoted to one and despise the other...I never saw this more clearly than I do now...I see who I was serving every time I opened that box of donuts...every time I believed that message that I heard in my head to go indulge..oh, the clarity...thanks to the God I choose now.

Day 37 - A recap of yesteday and today

Was I ever wrong!!! Yesterday ended up being a day full of control and restraint..hallelujah! Again, I am seeing a quick bounce back...evidence that I am truly changing...I am choosing a different God to worship and he is a God of mercy...one who knows my every need.

Ate about 2200 calories yesterday...easily...allowed myself to feel hunger at different points throughout the day without immediately trying to get rid of the feeling by eating frantically. I really think that the powers that used to control this area of my life are trying desperately to get me to sink back into old familiar behaviors...even a few months ago...I would have slipped easily back into stuffing myself and eating out of control. I would have said..oh, what's the difference or this will never change o just eat to quiet the temptation really believing that I could not overcome.

40 days to a new perspective...who would have thought. I am sort of keeping a list of foods I eat from day to day and its not a burden..it is a tool...I am choosing to suffer without indulging...this has brought me such clarity and insight...I am identifying aspects of this struggle more clearly than ever before...this is a huge blessing...I am choosing to eat less food and taking control instead of being controlled...this new strength is an amazing gift.

Breakfast is always hard...I really have to suffer through the strong desire to eat in the morning more than most other times....I feel like I could eat 3 times as much as I ate this morning and as I sit here and write...the temptation is very strong.

Read Psalm 121 today...My Help Comes From The Lord...it says "he will not let your foot be moved"..he will "keep my life...my going out and my coming in" I really feel this...especially when I have veered off the path through this 40 day journey...I feel like he is setting me straight again, quickly...he is not missing a beat with me...always being watchful so I do not take a wrong step...I have never felt this incredible support...its always been there for me...I never made the choice to use it...now that I have tasted this morsel of freedom...I can not imagine going back to trying to move mountains in my own strength and wisdom...my "going out" episodes consisted of floundering around...putting my hope in the diet of the moment sucking up mounds of time and money..ending in devastation and despair...now they consist of a small misstep...then large loving hands scooping my up and setting me on the right path again...thank you, Jesus!

Day 36 - The morning after

Well, The evidence of the food fest this past weekend didn't really show up until the day after. We got back on Saturday night and then went to bed fairly early because I was so exhausted. Sunday, woke up and just grazed the entire day...it was as if I had not learned a thing in 35 days...I tried applying the things I have learned but it was weak attempts...I just wanted to fill up with food yesterday.

It was interesting to see myself give into temptation the day after I was in the presence of such strong triggers. I should have expected it...it blindsided me. I felt like I was satisfying all the desires I had felt to eat the 2 days before...a delayed reaction...another evil and crafty sideswipe from this addiction. I felt something I hadn't felt in awhile...I was stuffed at several points throughout Sunday...I hated the feeling.

I guess God is revealing, again, another aspect of this struggle for me. I was not terribly concerned while I was at the retreat but I should have been. I should have been prepared for fall-out but instead, I was pretending that the food was not THAT important. I should have been prayed up more and shared how I was feeling on Sunday, early in the day...I get so sick of sharing this struggle as if people are saying.."OH, enough with the food...just get over it already"

Last night, I was going to go up to bed with Ken but stayed down to finish a tv program I had recorded. after about 20 minutes, he came to the top of the stairs and called to me. I shut off the tv and went up...it was like his voice snapped me out of a trance. I remembered who I really wanted to follow and took myself out of the temptation of the dark living room late at night with a kitchen next door and a tv to allow mindless eating...a huge trigger spot.

I am going to have to keep choosing my environments wisely...I might have to come late and leave early or not put my self in them at all.

Please pray as it is now Monday, I ate cereal (equivalent of 2 servings) and a small roll with butter..this was all out of craving not hunger...its going to be a difficult day.

Day 34 & 35 - The Retreat

Got to the retreat Fri night and yes, was greeted instantly with temptation. They were giving out little bags of candy with our retreat materials...I had to laugh, It was like handing out a small bag of cigarettes or a couple cans of beer sweetly wrapped with a ribbon...here, just in case you are not tempted enough with the mounds of food that will be served this weekend, here is a little tempting snack you can indulge in while in the secret of your own room!!!

Do I sound bitter? I am not, really...I know that this is my personal struggle and most of the world would find this little bag of candy a nice little gesture, as it was meant. I put it in the drawer in my room...ate most of it throughout the weekend. At one point, though, I started eating the lollipop and remembered it tasting so much better than it did at that moment...I ended up throwing it away...not so lucky with the chocolate and the taffy that was in the bag...

Anyway, it was a nice weekend, full of fellowship with my sweet Bridge sisters, great music, excellent teaching...and very good food. I was impressed by the offerings. I made fairly good choices...the desserts were difficult to pass up so I didnt...left a few bites on my plate when I could. The meals didnt end up being a problem...it was the constant table of food in the back of the room. I saw it when I came in..I saw it when I left...I thought about it all day long in each session...I was looking forward and behind at the same time. A couple times I would turn around and catch glimpses of the food...and then, finally indulged a bit when it wore me down.

I was able to stay pretty vigilant and I feel pretty good about my level of control...I was able to keep myself empty enough so that I could hear the words that were being spoken. I was able to keep the "go indulge..it will taste really good" voices at a lower octave than the teaching voices...it did leave me a bit exhausted and spent...

What did I learn? I learned that..I have come far enough to choose to resist the voices of temptation most of the time..but I have also learned that it is really important not to be in environments where the triggers linger...I cant laugh in the face of temptation yet. I have a ways to go yet but I do think that the retreat experience was, for the most part, positive

A tough Morning

Why am I so ravenous...Started to overeat this morning and stopped myself...its that "not lying to myself" thing...it kicked in, thank God. Anyway..packing up to leave not knowing what to expect...a bit nervous.

No computer access where we are going so, please pray and I will check in Sunday Morning.

Day 33 - Leaving for the Wms Retreat

Stepped on the scale this morning and recorded my weight. This will be the jumping off point. I am going to weight myself every week or so. I thought about picking a day to weigh every week but I think I will just leave it open and see when I am led to "weigh in".

Wanted alot of food this morning...not sure why. Daniel was a little difficult this morning but nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe I am nervous about going to the women's retreat this weekend. I will be locked in to other peoples food choices...well, I don't really know what the foods will be like...this uncertainty is always terrifying...what if there are donuts!!! Well at least I have many of my pray circle with me. Carrying the burden of the constant food struggle are so distracting and annoying. I have never been able to go on one of these things and just let Jesus speak into my heart...there has always been a thick layer of food deadening the insight..I really need prayer to allow the emptiness to be filled by him, not the food this weekend. I think I have come along far enough in this journey to know that this is really possible...

In the past, I would often use a night away in a different environment to put the struggle aside..."just eat what you want this weekend or night or week and you will start fresh when you return...this is no longer acceptable...what a crock! The things I have told myself to allow the overeating to be permissible....and I believed myself easily...no challenging of thought or action...I do that now...I challenge myself...I have to stay vigilant and there is never a good reason to overeat for me...just like there is never a good reason for a smoker to say....just a quick puff. This doesn't mean that I can't have a dessert or snack...it just means that I have to make the right choices, consistently. We addicts are crafty...we need to be protected from ourselves...please pay that God would protect me from myself this weekend in a tempting environment to say "lets just pick this up when I get back"

I read Psalm 139 this morning..verse 2 "You know when I sit down and when I rise up You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with ALL MY WAYS! I can't fool you God, like I used to think I could...and thanks to your insight..I can not fool myself as easily either. Don't let me fall prey to my old self this weekend...my old nature still fights for a position in my heart.

Day 32 - An Assessment

This morning I made myself 2 eggs on toast for breakfast. As I was eating it, I thought...I probably could have just made one egg and been satisfied. I did not feel anything telling me to stop as I ate both eggs but that thought did occur to me. Then I went online and did some research...let me see how many calories I should be taking in tio maintain my body weight and then to lose weight. It seems that most websites say I can not take in more than 2600 calories a day if I want to lose weight...probably more like 2200...thats the range depending on each websites idea of moderate activity...Whew, that sounds like alot of food! I then did a list of what I ate yesterday which was a good nomal day of eating (was able to resist the donuts that some "kind" soul brought to bible study last night...why, why must donuts follow me wherever I go...they haunt me and taunt me...cant laugh in the face of the box of donuts yet...Grrrr!)

Anyway, the solid list of "food I ate yesteday" showed a bottom line of 2678 calories...not bad! I was a bit tortured by temptation but not really hunger. In looking at this list of food, I can definately see where I can cut additional things out...a few pats of butter..cut down even more on portion size..make snacks even smaller etc..

Its good to be educated. This helps me...I have come so far but I still need to grow more..I still need more awareness and heart change...I dont want to get caught up in this calorie counting but I do need to use it as a tool...along with the scale...

Its cool to see how God is moving me gently into the next step of this control and restraint thing...slowly, as not to send me on a deprivation tail spin into old behaviors...I have no real deadline...the 40 day commitment I originally made to obtain clarity has given me that...and so much more.

Day 31 - Another Bounce Back

I sent an email to my client stating that there would be an additional discount last night. I had to get this off of my shoulders. It just wasn't worth the struggle anymore. I wasted another evening of unconscious eating over this...this is no longer worth it to me...even at a price as high as this one was. Cant save it...must choose integrity...must not make money my God and must believe that God has something better planned for me...moving on!

John 14 this morning...I am the way, the truth and the life...let not your hearts be troubled...I am preparing a place for you in my father's house...

I have a clear picture now of how a troubled heart leads to destruction and what that looks like for me...how the triggers wear me down. I wore that struggle way to long yesterday...I allowed it to wear me down...and finally indulged as if it was the satisfaction I was waiting for all day...it wasn't...it provided no satisfaction whatsoever...not even the taste was that good....when will I learn...well, I guess I continue to learn...please pray

End of day decompression

Well, I made it through the day until evening when I just lost it and ate after Ken went to bed...I should have just gone up but I decided to stay and get some work done...or did I stay up to eat...Damn it...disappointed in myself.

Cant get passed the lost commission...I had a sense of entitlement to this money...I had it already owned...apparently it was never mine. ..need to let go.

We will see how I feel in the morning.

Afternoon - You have got to be kidding me?

I had to go finalize an order today while Daniel was in preschool. I get to the store where I was going to place the order and saw she was having a sale that was lower than any sale she had ever had before. She was offering the product to the end user for the same as the wholesale price. I was devistated. I had spent months preparing this order based on the old prices so I could make a fare profit. Now, this store owner had zapped any chance of me making a profit on this sale at all. As we were writing up the order, I stopped listening to what she was saying and was trying to process this new fact. I decided to wait to place the order to see if there was anyway to gain some of the profit back before placing it. As I left, I heard the voices..."go eat, you should stop at Burger King and get something, it will make you feel better...the triggers started popping off one after another. It is unreal to me that this is still the message...satisfy your anger, pain, frustration with food...as if there is even an ounce of satisfaction in that past the taste...I see it so clearly now and I brace myself against it. I pick Daniel up, take him home and make lunch for us both. I am so angry at that store owner but what did she do wrong...she is just trying to make a living...so am I...my living was in her hands...or was it. I cant just charge the same price to my client and ignore this new sale..it would be wrong, even if she did not find out, I know and I do not want to chase a paycheck instead of honesty and righteousness...that would make money my God...this is painful...I was counting on that income, damn it! I want to soothe this angry beast with food so badly...I can see myself indulging and how good it would taste and feel but I need to resist...please pray that I would make the right choices here...I am angry and weak and frustrated...and hungry for what I thought I was going to get out of this deal.

Day 30 - The next step

Wow, I woke up this morning and just felt brighter...maybe its the reflection of all the white snow...can't wait for spring. I read Matthew 10: 26-27 "The Cost of Discipleship" this morning..If anyone does not hate his own life, he can not be my disciple..whoever doesn't carry his cross and follow me can not be my disciple..then he talks about building a tower and "Don't you first sit down and estimate the cost etc..

I am ready to really portion control my meals and make an actual attempt to lose this weight. I feel like I have the tools...the ability and reason to not eat to excess...can I do it? I feel like I spent time figuring the cost so to speak and I have never done that before. I decided to hate my past life and pick up my cross and follow Jesus. He led me in an interesting direction...I ate 2 pieces of toast this morning 4 oz of orange juice and a small bowl of cut up fruit. It was hard, I wanted more...alot more but it was enough to start my day...will this desire for more food ever end? I feel like my expressions yesterday were misleading and that wasn't a clear picture of where I am at...I am still struggling through this...meal by meal...I do, however, feel like instead of just eating what I want, when I want...I am ready to put the new tools and changed heart into real practice and try to change this body...is this wrong...is this desire to step into this kind of discipline a lack of trust...plenty of people diet...I just do not want to do anything that will stop me in my tracks...I want to keep moving ahead.

Day 28 & 29...Moving on

How nice of God to extend my birthday with an unexpected snow day! After a few changes in antibiotics and some much needed rest...I feel like I can move on now...my head and chest are much clearer and so is my Urinary tract (Sorry for the graphic picture, those that are reading!) but its a happy day!

Made some french toast this morning...it was so good...actually put butter in the pan and sprinkled a little powdered sugar after the syrup on top. I reminded me of Loeschels in HAtboro. A great breakfast place. I think one of the keys to eating in moderation will be to continue to eat really good food. I could have eaten alot more this morning and I would have in the past. I might have eaten a piece as I was cooking it...or hoped that Daniel didn't finish his...My focus was on sitting down and savoring each bite...I stopped before I was stuffed...just pleasantly full.

It occured to me while I was cooking that the fear I felt as I thought or ate food is not driving this process anymore. I am actually getting excited about the opportunity to eat well at a meal. There is very little dread or sadness or, again, fear of overeating at any given meal...its still there, lurking under the surface...I have to be aware that it could blindside me at any moment and it will take sneaky and destructive routes to do it. Now there is excitement and anticipation of doing well with the occassional fall. I can really feel those days coming on...I can identify them and take an active stance against them. I feel like I am developing the ability to chose and stand behind my choices. The desire for taste and the experience of food is no longer the sole motivating factor to eating food. The strong voice of food is getting weaker. The control I have over food is getting stronger. I have to keep God in this...my tendency is to experience some success and subconsciously say "OK, God, I got it from here..I know what I am suppose to do now...just let me do it" Meanwhile, I have so much more to learn...stay in a humble place, Amy...so much more good can happen there. I want more of this...I want to conquer it all...this taste of freedom is having the same effect that the empty box of donuts used to have...I desperately want to see whats inside...I am picturing good things yet to taste and experience.

I was reading revelations 21 this morning..The New Jerusalem verse 3 says.."Now the dwelling of God is with men and he will live with them..." I really feel that God is showing me a glimpse of a new Jerusalem to me...the Jerusalem he has been wanting to show me for so long and I kept turning away. I feel like he is finally dwelling with me in this although he has been dwelling with me all this time...I just couldn't feel it because I was always choosing the benefits of another God while I was expecting the real one to swoop in and rescue me but not deny me the other...confusing? You bet..but I get it now. I have allowed myself to empty out from the overload of self-satisfaction long enough to experience the new satisfaction of restraint and control...verse 4 "He will wipe every tear..no more death, mourning or crying of pain for the old order has passed away." I expect that there will continue to be struggle. I have to continue to choose this new path which will, at times, still be excruciating..but I do feel like the old order is passing away and, for the first time, I am really letting it go without fear of having it as a crutch to fall back on...I have something so much better...a real changed heart, not one just going through the motions in hopes that I can fool God into saving me from myself...

I love in verse 5 when he says "Write this down...I am the Alpha and the Omega, The beginning and the End. I will give drink to the thirsty without cost from the spring of life....he who overcomes will inherit all this...he then says exactly who will not be dwelling with him in heaven...I have been given such clarity from this experience of moving toward the struggle knowing that God is who he says he is and would meet me in it. I did not know the joy that would come from such growth and before the 40 day deadline. I pray that the clarity continues and I hope you will pray the same for me. The answers are coming clear....I can not wait to see what God does next.