It is clear to me that I need to be in Gods word, its as simple as that! After all these years, I am finally listening to that fact. I have skimmed through my Christian life with a very shallow understanding of the power and the joy in the word. I love the Lord and believe that God has something important to teach us but I have always relied on the interpretation of the word from others and an occasional study as my bread. Never have I delved this deeply into the word itself and sought my own understanding...my own leading.
There has never been anything that has brought so much clarity and strength into my life. I find the clarity that I get from reading to be so empowering, yet, I do let it fall by the wayside. Reading God's word falls easily in importance to preparing for a client or making sure the house is in order or even watching a show that I Tivo'd the night before. Its insanity...Its like waking up in the morning knowing you have a marathon to run and choosing high heels for the day..they will not support you, they will make the journey much harder...its so not the right choice but you choose them time and time again.
I was reading Deuteronomy this morning Chapter 33 where God blessed the tribes. He gave different blessings to each person..one got the best land, one got strength and one safety etc..
Was I a bit jealous that my client was going to have surgery soon? Yes, but I have to remember the blessing that God has given me so far in this journey...the blessing of clarity and insight...the blessing of a quieter voice telling me to eat certain foods and to overeat...the blessing of strength to eat wisely and to allow my stomach to remain empty knowing I have eaten enough food and that God would fill the rest.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Did I make the right decision?
Earlier this week I spoke with my client who is preparing for bariatric surgery. She mentioned that she finally got a date, her surgery is scheduled for a date in May. I had a twinge of "Did I make the right decision" ....look, she is having the surgery and will soon be losing massive amounts of weight....then she said "I am getting a little scared" and I remembered the feeling of sitting in the doctors office talking to the surgeon and how I could not wait to get out of there and what I have learned about my self since then. I could feel her fear...
I do not know alot about this women but she does mention prayer casually to me at times..she says "pray for me, I am going to do this or that etc..as almost a joke but not quite" I do pray for her when she asks. I couldn't help but think..."what is she going to miss out on in this decision to move forward with the surgery..maybe nothing...maybe this is exactly what the Lord would have her do...that this is her road to freedom after careful prayerful consideration. Will she learn about suffering? Will she learn the depth of Gods love for her...will he give her jewels of wisdom through this and a direction that once taken will give her true freedom from the bondage that we have both been in?
I can not look back, only forward. Even though I have struggled and the weight loss has slowed a bit, I have to trust that I am still on the right path...I am eating sooooo much less than I did even 6 months ago...my body is smaller, I am enjoying looser fitting clothing and a spring in my step!!! The exercise is slowly becoming a part of my daily routing again. I am still on the path that my 40 day search gave me, although, I am still baffled with my love affair with food. I am so much more aware of the lie that I have been believing when it comes to the purpose of food but, I still desire to partake in the distorted way I used to consume it. I guess because it always did provide some type of satisfaction and did fill a need. I keep forgetting to leave an empty space for God to fill with his nourishment.
1Peter 1:14 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. Then he goes on to suggest that we try to mimic his own behavior...I think that God continues to ask me to suffer through hunger...to acknowledge the desire to overeat and to make bad food choices and to put those desires on the alter, unfulfilled..in other words, take them to him and let him take them away or fill them with the food that really satisfies a deep hunger.
Even this entry is a gift from God. I had nothing on my mind when I started writing, feeling tired today and crabby...God knew I needed a new little jewel of hope and gave it to me.
I will keep moving toward him and keep moving ahead in this journey...it clearly is the right decision for me.
I do not know alot about this women but she does mention prayer casually to me at times..she says "pray for me, I am going to do this or that etc..as almost a joke but not quite" I do pray for her when she asks. I couldn't help but think..."what is she going to miss out on in this decision to move forward with the surgery..maybe nothing...maybe this is exactly what the Lord would have her do...that this is her road to freedom after careful prayerful consideration. Will she learn about suffering? Will she learn the depth of Gods love for her...will he give her jewels of wisdom through this and a direction that once taken will give her true freedom from the bondage that we have both been in?
I can not look back, only forward. Even though I have struggled and the weight loss has slowed a bit, I have to trust that I am still on the right path...I am eating sooooo much less than I did even 6 months ago...my body is smaller, I am enjoying looser fitting clothing and a spring in my step!!! The exercise is slowly becoming a part of my daily routing again. I am still on the path that my 40 day search gave me, although, I am still baffled with my love affair with food. I am so much more aware of the lie that I have been believing when it comes to the purpose of food but, I still desire to partake in the distorted way I used to consume it. I guess because it always did provide some type of satisfaction and did fill a need. I keep forgetting to leave an empty space for God to fill with his nourishment.
1Peter 1:14 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. Then he goes on to suggest that we try to mimic his own behavior...I think that God continues to ask me to suffer through hunger...to acknowledge the desire to overeat and to make bad food choices and to put those desires on the alter, unfulfilled..in other words, take them to him and let him take them away or fill them with the food that really satisfies a deep hunger.
Even this entry is a gift from God. I had nothing on my mind when I started writing, feeling tired today and crabby...God knew I needed a new little jewel of hope and gave it to me.
I will keep moving toward him and keep moving ahead in this journey...it clearly is the right decision for me.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
No More Counting Days
I decided to stop labeling each entry with a day #. I think its contributing to my obsessiveness about the amount of weight I am losing. Does it really matter anymore? This journey will take as long as it takes.
So, I was talking to my counselor this week. He made a statement that was amusing but true. He said, "You are always so surprised to find out that you are deeply flawed" Its true...I guess I don't think about myself that way...I do not live in that reality all the time...I live with a sense of competency that sometimes keeps me from seeing my true self...I am a deeply flawed human being, just like the rest of the human race...I think that once I embrace this fact, I will be alot easier on "Me"..I will accept my flaws without sinking to the depths every time I make a mistake and shake them off easier.
I lost my balance for a few weeks. I lost what was giving me direction. My old nature was ready and waiting to take the lead and it did for a while. I have learned that your old nature never leaves you, it is truly a part of you and you have to actively keep it at bay with the tools that God gives you to do so. Every time my old nature creeps up into the limelight again, I need to hack away at it so it becomes smaller and smaller and more inconsequential. This is also a form of suffering, dealing with my old nature. The obsession is part of my old nature. When I heard "Stop counting calories...what God was really saying to me was stop the obsession. Counting calories is a tool...I am the one giving it power over me, I am the one giving the scale power and I am the one giving the unnecessary foods power as well.
This battle is so much more spiritual that I ever imagined. I keep vacillating back and forth between the spiritual struggle and the physical one. When I fight the spiritual battle with the tools like Gods word, prayer, a willingness to suffer through hunger and a choice to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full...its like the physical battle submits and falls into line.
I equipped myself with Psalm 40 this week. I kept reading it and re-reading it. Its a great "Crying out from a place of distress" passage. I believe I am out of the "Miry Bog" so to speak and I have clarity and strength again.
I have stabilized again at an 18 pound weight loss which I think is amazing after my fluctuating eating habits while in the "Miry Bog"..Thank you Jesus!
Lets see what happens from here in my renewed state of clarity, control and restraint.
So, I was talking to my counselor this week. He made a statement that was amusing but true. He said, "You are always so surprised to find out that you are deeply flawed" Its true...I guess I don't think about myself that way...I do not live in that reality all the time...I live with a sense of competency that sometimes keeps me from seeing my true self...I am a deeply flawed human being, just like the rest of the human race...I think that once I embrace this fact, I will be alot easier on "Me"..I will accept my flaws without sinking to the depths every time I make a mistake and shake them off easier.
I lost my balance for a few weeks. I lost what was giving me direction. My old nature was ready and waiting to take the lead and it did for a while. I have learned that your old nature never leaves you, it is truly a part of you and you have to actively keep it at bay with the tools that God gives you to do so. Every time my old nature creeps up into the limelight again, I need to hack away at it so it becomes smaller and smaller and more inconsequential. This is also a form of suffering, dealing with my old nature. The obsession is part of my old nature. When I heard "Stop counting calories...what God was really saying to me was stop the obsession. Counting calories is a tool...I am the one giving it power over me, I am the one giving the scale power and I am the one giving the unnecessary foods power as well.
This battle is so much more spiritual that I ever imagined. I keep vacillating back and forth between the spiritual struggle and the physical one. When I fight the spiritual battle with the tools like Gods word, prayer, a willingness to suffer through hunger and a choice to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full...its like the physical battle submits and falls into line.
I equipped myself with Psalm 40 this week. I kept reading it and re-reading it. Its a great "Crying out from a place of distress" passage. I believe I am out of the "Miry Bog" so to speak and I have clarity and strength again.
I have stabilized again at an 18 pound weight loss which I think is amazing after my fluctuating eating habits while in the "Miry Bog"..Thank you Jesus!
Lets see what happens from here in my renewed state of clarity, control and restraint.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Day 72 - Eat when you are hungry - stop when you are full
This is my mantra today...what makes it so difficult is the head hunger, the desire to overeat, the compulsion to eat....
I started this entry above over a week ago...I have forgotten to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. This is what slips me back into compulsion mode when I count calories...when I am concerned about the exact amount of calories to eat...I forget what God is teaching me about food.
I feel like I have so much more to learn about this struggle and I keep wanting to switch over into " formula mode"
God, this is hard. I was calorie counting and lost about 16 pounds. The last week or 2 of calorie counting, I did not lose anything. I stopped counting and lost another 2 pounds....Over the week before Easter and this week...I gained a pound back (There is no way to go through a holiday and not overeat...).......
Sighhhhhh!
I can not stop focusing on the weight loss.
Ok...what I do know is that if I look at the big picture...I am definately making better decisions. I have identified so many triggers and the voices of compulsion to overeat have been quieted even if they have not dissapeared. I have started getting more exercise and I am so pleased that I did not gain more over the Easter Holiday...cant this be enough to keep me going in this direction?
God, I have lost that excited, child-like exitement and momentum...please give that back to me.
I just read Psalm 40..My Help and My Deliverer!
I feel like I am in the "Miry Bog". The pit of destruction is very near and I am dipping my toes in again (Why do I make myself believe so easily that the pit of destruction has anything to offer me...no piece of chocolate is worth the gift of freedom from this torment).
Do I believe that he hears my cry and that he will lift me out and set my feet upon the rock? I have not sought God's word for strength for over a week...even now as I open the bible and start seeking again, I feel the attraction of overeating fade away again. I feel the rock under my feet. Calorie counting or no calorie counting...this is a crucial part of me staying on track.
God, please speaking to me
I started this entry above over a week ago...I have forgotten to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. This is what slips me back into compulsion mode when I count calories...when I am concerned about the exact amount of calories to eat...I forget what God is teaching me about food.
I feel like I have so much more to learn about this struggle and I keep wanting to switch over into " formula mode"
God, this is hard. I was calorie counting and lost about 16 pounds. The last week or 2 of calorie counting, I did not lose anything. I stopped counting and lost another 2 pounds....Over the week before Easter and this week...I gained a pound back (There is no way to go through a holiday and not overeat...).......
Sighhhhhh!
I can not stop focusing on the weight loss.
Ok...what I do know is that if I look at the big picture...I am definately making better decisions. I have identified so many triggers and the voices of compulsion to overeat have been quieted even if they have not dissapeared. I have started getting more exercise and I am so pleased that I did not gain more over the Easter Holiday...cant this be enough to keep me going in this direction?
God, I have lost that excited, child-like exitement and momentum...please give that back to me.
I just read Psalm 40..My Help and My Deliverer!
I feel like I am in the "Miry Bog". The pit of destruction is very near and I am dipping my toes in again (Why do I make myself believe so easily that the pit of destruction has anything to offer me...no piece of chocolate is worth the gift of freedom from this torment).
Do I believe that he hears my cry and that he will lift me out and set my feet upon the rock? I have not sought God's word for strength for over a week...even now as I open the bible and start seeking again, I feel the attraction of overeating fade away again. I feel the rock under my feet. Calorie counting or no calorie counting...this is a crucial part of me staying on track.
God, please speaking to me
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Day 63 - The roller coaster
Why does everything have to be such a roller coaster. I feel like the ink isn't even dry on the page so to speak before I am experiencing some other emotion, some different level of suffering etc..
Earlier this week (Wed) I was sitting in out bible study group and my mind was just not on the conversation. We are in the midst of a study on relationships and my biggest and most difficult relationship right now is with an activity and a thing, not a person. All of a sudden it dawned on me...I don't think I am suppose to be counting calories every day and anticipating the number on the scale every day. These are good tools to guide me in my journey but I got stuck this week. I so easily slip into dependence on the calorie counting and the scale sliding downward. I get so easily tricked into these 2 things being my barometer of success...I was very obsessed over the last week or so about exactly what I was eating and what that number was going to be when I stepped on the scale. When I counted my calories...I was very focused on the failure, not the success. When that number did not move...I immediately labeled my efforts since the last weigh in as failure...this failure mentality is part of what is holding me back. I want to focus on the success I am having...why is it much easier to hold on to the negative...the positive thoughts and feelings slip away so easily but the negative digs in and has to be chipped away at little by little.
The interesting thing I experienced this week when I stopped counting for a few days...I stepped on the scale and last another 1 1/2 pounds. Its hard not to want to count every calorie and make sure that I am not eating even 1 more calorie than necessary and try to guess in my mind how many pounds the scale is going to say at the end of the week. Its hard not to use the fat free and low calorie food as a trick to allow myself more food. I have incorporated some reduced sugar and low cal foods into my diet but I can see how it does feed my addictive nature...if I choose this milk...I can eat more cereal or if I use this butter, I can use twice as much etc..
I am so confused at times about what exactly I should be focused on...it seems to change from week to week. The vacillation between the strict calorie counting formula and the fluidity of eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full is wearing on me.
I just need a direction...please pray that for me those of you who may still be reading this...I am hearing so many different messages and I am having no clarity as to which ones are the ones I am supposed to be listening to...its exhausting and distracting.
What I do know is that the word of God, in addition to your very encouraging comments, has been a source of peace, strength, clarity and direction so I am back..seeking and studying. I know that God has lots more to show me about this struggle and in his mercy, is giving me some weight loss along the way to keep me encouraged. There is still so much left to learn. I ready Psalm 25 again today...I love this Psalm..teach me!!! Make me know your ways...lead me in your truth..be gracious to me for I am afflicted, the troubles of my heart are enlarged..bring me out of my distress...deliver me!!!
Earlier this week (Wed) I was sitting in out bible study group and my mind was just not on the conversation. We are in the midst of a study on relationships and my biggest and most difficult relationship right now is with an activity and a thing, not a person. All of a sudden it dawned on me...I don't think I am suppose to be counting calories every day and anticipating the number on the scale every day. These are good tools to guide me in my journey but I got stuck this week. I so easily slip into dependence on the calorie counting and the scale sliding downward. I get so easily tricked into these 2 things being my barometer of success...I was very obsessed over the last week or so about exactly what I was eating and what that number was going to be when I stepped on the scale. When I counted my calories...I was very focused on the failure, not the success. When that number did not move...I immediately labeled my efforts since the last weigh in as failure...this failure mentality is part of what is holding me back. I want to focus on the success I am having...why is it much easier to hold on to the negative...the positive thoughts and feelings slip away so easily but the negative digs in and has to be chipped away at little by little.
The interesting thing I experienced this week when I stopped counting for a few days...I stepped on the scale and last another 1 1/2 pounds. Its hard not to want to count every calorie and make sure that I am not eating even 1 more calorie than necessary and try to guess in my mind how many pounds the scale is going to say at the end of the week. Its hard not to use the fat free and low calorie food as a trick to allow myself more food. I have incorporated some reduced sugar and low cal foods into my diet but I can see how it does feed my addictive nature...if I choose this milk...I can eat more cereal or if I use this butter, I can use twice as much etc..
I am so confused at times about what exactly I should be focused on...it seems to change from week to week. The vacillation between the strict calorie counting formula and the fluidity of eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full is wearing on me.
I just need a direction...please pray that for me those of you who may still be reading this...I am hearing so many different messages and I am having no clarity as to which ones are the ones I am supposed to be listening to...its exhausting and distracting.
What I do know is that the word of God, in addition to your very encouraging comments, has been a source of peace, strength, clarity and direction so I am back..seeking and studying. I know that God has lots more to show me about this struggle and in his mercy, is giving me some weight loss along the way to keep me encouraged. There is still so much left to learn. I ready Psalm 25 again today...I love this Psalm..teach me!!! Make me know your ways...lead me in your truth..be gracious to me for I am afflicted, the troubles of my heart are enlarged..bring me out of my distress...deliver me!!!
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