This morning, I read Romans Chapter 7 about sinful nature and doing what you do not want to do. I need to camp here for awhile. I always forget about this chapter but it is really the essence of who I am as an addict. Its really the essence of who we all are. My mind is still so set on my own personal gratification when it comes to food. This fast has showed me another angle of this struggle. When I feel "hunger" in between the shakes...its not the fresh fruit that I usually crave, its crackers or chips or something that satisfies my desire to eat, not my body's need for fuel.
How do I change this...how do I transcend my sinful nature to eat selfishly? How do I truly serve my new nature?
"When I want to do good, evil is right there with me, for in my innermost being, I delight in God's law, but, I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war etc.......what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this sin deep within me???
Answer - Jesus, if I let him!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Day 3 - Learning more things
Read Romans 5:3 this morning about suffering produces perserverance, character then hope. I am walking around these past few days groaning inwardly and outwardly about the hunger...I am still dreading it, still cowering away..is it possible to change my view and look at it in a positive light despite the actually feeling I am experiencing. Even though this is hard I know that God is using it to help me grow and to build my strength and character.
This 10 day "sort of fast" will be good for me..I am going to try to look at the experience differently today.
This 10 day "sort of fast" will be good for me..I am going to try to look at the experience differently today.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Day 2 - Suffering Again
Phew! Made it through yesterday. It was clear to me again as I was going through the day, that I consistently mislabel emptiness as hunger. I ate a small amount of food up until dinner, enough to nourish myself but I remained "unfull" for the entire day..I really felt it. There were times throughout the day when the emptiness did change to hunger and that is when I ate...its so clear..its so simple...when I don't stuff myself full of food, I have so much clarity!!!
Lately, I have been hearing rumors that Directbuy is having some financial trouble. Its to the point that I really do not know what will happen from day to day. I was apprehensive when I went in to work yesterday and the thought of losing this job made me also think " this is the kind of stuff that makes me want to overeat"....Again the clarity!!!! I am clear enough to identify this trigger and hopefully equip myself before it even happens. There is nothing that extra food will do to change the situation. If I lose this job, I will be experiencing a new type of suffering while I am looking for something else...a new emptiness. I will have to embrace this too...not deaden the suffering with food...the lie that I have believed in the past was that this way of eating will somehow make the situation better, if I can just experience the pleasure of eating comfort foods to excess..Reality....it will make it so much worse.
I read Lam 1:12...a few verses about the suffering of Jerusalem after it has been destroyed. I thought that this Matthew Henry commentary below was interesting:
1:12-22 Jerusalem, sitting dejected on the ground, calls on those that passed by, to consider whether her example did not concern them. Her outward sufferings were great, but her inward sufferings were harder to bear, through the sense of guilt. Sorrow for sin must be great sorrow, and must affect the soul. Here we see the evil of sin, and may take warning to flee from the wrath to come. Whatever may be learned from the sufferings of Jerusalem, far more may be learned from the sufferings of Christ. Does he not from the cross speak to every one of us? Does he not say, Is it nothing to you, all ye that pass by? Let all our sorrows lead us to the cross of Christ, lead us to mark his example, and cheerfully to follow him.
The external suffering of carrying around this overweight body is something I desperately want to be rid of...but dealing with the internal suffering is what will bring me true freedom. Dealing with the inside is what is helping me prepare for future "wraths" The external change is coming..because dealing with the internal struggle is finally leading me to the cross.
Lately, I have been hearing rumors that Directbuy is having some financial trouble. Its to the point that I really do not know what will happen from day to day. I was apprehensive when I went in to work yesterday and the thought of losing this job made me also think " this is the kind of stuff that makes me want to overeat"....Again the clarity!!!! I am clear enough to identify this trigger and hopefully equip myself before it even happens. There is nothing that extra food will do to change the situation. If I lose this job, I will be experiencing a new type of suffering while I am looking for something else...a new emptiness. I will have to embrace this too...not deaden the suffering with food...the lie that I have believed in the past was that this way of eating will somehow make the situation better, if I can just experience the pleasure of eating comfort foods to excess..Reality....it will make it so much worse.
I read Lam 1:12...a few verses about the suffering of Jerusalem after it has been destroyed. I thought that this Matthew Henry commentary below was interesting:
1:12-22 Jerusalem, sitting dejected on the ground, calls on those that passed by, to consider whether her example did not concern them. Her outward sufferings were great, but her inward sufferings were harder to bear, through the sense of guilt. Sorrow for sin must be great sorrow, and must affect the soul. Here we see the evil of sin, and may take warning to flee from the wrath to come. Whatever may be learned from the sufferings of Jerusalem, far more may be learned from the sufferings of Christ. Does he not from the cross speak to every one of us? Does he not say, Is it nothing to you, all ye that pass by? Let all our sorrows lead us to the cross of Christ, lead us to mark his example, and cheerfully to follow him.
The external suffering of carrying around this overweight body is something I desperately want to be rid of...but dealing with the internal suffering is what will bring me true freedom. Dealing with the inside is what is helping me prepare for future "wraths" The external change is coming..because dealing with the internal struggle is finally leading me to the cross.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Day 1 - The suffering journey
Well, my friend had her surgery last Thursday. I haven't heard yet how it went or how she is recuperating. Hopefully will hear today. Still think I made the right decision but I have just been coasting along for the last 2 weeks. I have been thinking quite a bit about the concept of suffering. I really avoid it. This is a very big issue for me and I am stuck on the edge of this cliff looking down into the pit of suffering. I see the bottom but I am afraid to do what I need to do to get to the bottom. This is only food for God's sake...why is this so difficult...just stop, right?
I just can't seem to stop..I mean really stop. I have decreased the amount of food, for sure, but I have only scratched the surface. There is something really deep here I need to deal with. So far, this journey has produced this...an awareness of this big fear...did I expect this road to lead straight to weight loss...well, I had hoped...I believe it still will but there are huge road blocks in the way and this is one of them. If I do not deal with this now, I may struggle forever with this same 20 pounds or worse, I may go backward and forget the whole thing. Embracing the suffering that comes with this freedom I want so badly must happen so,...lets take a new mini journey focused on suffering. I am going to take 10 days and move head on into it. I am going to fast during breakfast, lunch and the "night eating period". Not fast totally from food but use slim-fast shakes and fresh fruit to replace the food I am eating. I have started letting the abuse of food creep back in and my addiction to taste and excess has reared its ugly head. I want to read about suffering and learn what it is that is keeping me in this state of submission and obsession to food. I need to control what goes into my body not the other way around. I need to be empty enough to let the voice of restraint and control speak to me...and to let the voice of God speak to me about what it is that is making me afraid of the suffering that is necessary to make it past this.
The thought of doing this is making my mouth dry. The thought of actually putting this in writing is scary because some of you are still reading and can help keep me accountable...Why 10 days? I don't know why actually...its the same as the 40 day thing...its just a number that moved me. Its a number that with my history has always been out of the question...impossible and God loves to overcome the impossible. Its enough time to be empty enough to let the stuff come up that I have been pushing down and covering up with food for so long....scary!
Job 36:15 But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction
I think I need to actually step into the suffering for God to speak to it instead of cowering and waiting for the blow...when will I learn it just doesn't work that way? God, I am counting on you for help as I know this is not something I can do in my own strength...I would barely make it one day!
I need prayer again!! This is going to be much harder than it sounds.
I just can't seem to stop..I mean really stop. I have decreased the amount of food, for sure, but I have only scratched the surface. There is something really deep here I need to deal with. So far, this journey has produced this...an awareness of this big fear...did I expect this road to lead straight to weight loss...well, I had hoped...I believe it still will but there are huge road blocks in the way and this is one of them. If I do not deal with this now, I may struggle forever with this same 20 pounds or worse, I may go backward and forget the whole thing. Embracing the suffering that comes with this freedom I want so badly must happen so,...lets take a new mini journey focused on suffering. I am going to take 10 days and move head on into it. I am going to fast during breakfast, lunch and the "night eating period". Not fast totally from food but use slim-fast shakes and fresh fruit to replace the food I am eating. I have started letting the abuse of food creep back in and my addiction to taste and excess has reared its ugly head. I want to read about suffering and learn what it is that is keeping me in this state of submission and obsession to food. I need to control what goes into my body not the other way around. I need to be empty enough to let the voice of restraint and control speak to me...and to let the voice of God speak to me about what it is that is making me afraid of the suffering that is necessary to make it past this.
The thought of doing this is making my mouth dry. The thought of actually putting this in writing is scary because some of you are still reading and can help keep me accountable...Why 10 days? I don't know why actually...its the same as the 40 day thing...its just a number that moved me. Its a number that with my history has always been out of the question...impossible and God loves to overcome the impossible. Its enough time to be empty enough to let the stuff come up that I have been pushing down and covering up with food for so long....scary!
Job 36:15 But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction
I think I need to actually step into the suffering for God to speak to it instead of cowering and waiting for the blow...when will I learn it just doesn't work that way? God, I am counting on you for help as I know this is not something I can do in my own strength...I would barely make it one day!
I need prayer again!! This is going to be much harder than it sounds.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Suffering
It occur ed to me this week, that I have been trying to avoid suffering again...At night, I snack alittle bit here, a little bit there...its not a full blown commitment to overeating just a subtle denial with easily justified little snacks that all add up to overeating. It just comes at you from every angle, doesn't it..just when you think you have been made aware of the problem and given a solution..the Evil one wiggles in through another crack in the foundation.
As I snack at night, what I am really doing is avoiding the suffering through the emptiness and the hunger. Its my version of crouching down with my hands over my head waiting for the blow of the hungry empty stomach to hit and trying to deflect the pain as much as possible. Its not an event at night where I am sitting down and eating a meal because I am hungry...I wander into the kitchen and open the pantry or the refrigerator and pick or I take a light snack into the living room to watch some tv...its just a small stream of anesthesia, just enough to keep the hunger at bay because I just do not want to deal with it.
I have to deal with it!!I have to meet the hunger head on and embrace it. I was doing that in the beginning, why do I slip back so easily.
We cant cower away from the suffering in life, hoping that there will be enough anesthesia available to keep the pain away. Well, we can do that if we choose but I do not want to live that way anymore. I want to deal with this, walk through it experiencing every bit of suffering God would have me deal with...and then eventually make it to the other side of this struggle. I can not wait to see what the other side looks like. Please God, help me meet this suffering...the hunger..head on!
Later on this morning....I get to Directbuy for our weekly Fri morning meeting and up at the reception counter is three boxes of Danishes. I immediately thought of eating some...haven't I been through this already..haven't I moved ahead far enough in this journey to laugh in the face of this trigger food? Apparently not!!! My choice is to suffer through the temptation and not indulge today. This is so not as easy as it sounds, as my co workers just came up to my desk with a plate full of coffee cake and chatted with me for a minute or two while they ate every delicious bite...REALLY GOD...REALLY???? I mean, do you have to bring it right to me...does the temptation have to be right in my face? Cant it stay nice and safe in its little box in a remote location and be eaten out of my sight line by others????
I have to laugh at this madness before me..its like you are asking me...Amy, who is your God today? Do you really choose me when the pressure is on, when the temptation is at its greatest? I know what you have for me is greater than the false satisfaction that these foods have to offer. The other night I asked Ken to bring home chocolate for me which he did. I ate the huge bar that he bought and I just wanted more...I know if I indulge today...I will just want more, it will never stop..my insatiability will continue if I keep filling myself with the things that really offer little or fleeting satisfaction...and the consequences are great!!
I am hungry and I am dealing with it again for the first time in weeks with the nourishment that God longs to provide us...
As I snack at night, what I am really doing is avoiding the suffering through the emptiness and the hunger. Its my version of crouching down with my hands over my head waiting for the blow of the hungry empty stomach to hit and trying to deflect the pain as much as possible. Its not an event at night where I am sitting down and eating a meal because I am hungry...I wander into the kitchen and open the pantry or the refrigerator and pick or I take a light snack into the living room to watch some tv...its just a small stream of anesthesia, just enough to keep the hunger at bay because I just do not want to deal with it.
I have to deal with it!!I have to meet the hunger head on and embrace it. I was doing that in the beginning, why do I slip back so easily.
We cant cower away from the suffering in life, hoping that there will be enough anesthesia available to keep the pain away. Well, we can do that if we choose but I do not want to live that way anymore. I want to deal with this, walk through it experiencing every bit of suffering God would have me deal with...and then eventually make it to the other side of this struggle. I can not wait to see what the other side looks like. Please God, help me meet this suffering...the hunger..head on!
Later on this morning....I get to Directbuy for our weekly Fri morning meeting and up at the reception counter is three boxes of Danishes. I immediately thought of eating some...haven't I been through this already..haven't I moved ahead far enough in this journey to laugh in the face of this trigger food? Apparently not!!! My choice is to suffer through the temptation and not indulge today. This is so not as easy as it sounds, as my co workers just came up to my desk with a plate full of coffee cake and chatted with me for a minute or two while they ate every delicious bite...REALLY GOD...REALLY???? I mean, do you have to bring it right to me...does the temptation have to be right in my face? Cant it stay nice and safe in its little box in a remote location and be eaten out of my sight line by others????
I have to laugh at this madness before me..its like you are asking me...Amy, who is your God today? Do you really choose me when the pressure is on, when the temptation is at its greatest? I know what you have for me is greater than the false satisfaction that these foods have to offer. The other night I asked Ken to bring home chocolate for me which he did. I ate the huge bar that he bought and I just wanted more...I know if I indulge today...I will just want more, it will never stop..my insatiability will continue if I keep filling myself with the things that really offer little or fleeting satisfaction...and the consequences are great!!
I am hungry and I am dealing with it again for the first time in weeks with the nourishment that God longs to provide us...
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