Well, today is a new day..sensing a theme here? Yesterday got better as the day went on.. Meds kicked in around mid day and I was actually able to get back to a somewhat normal existence. Being sick for this long is really making me appreciate the health that I do have. God gave me a gift of a strong body. Throughout the years of carrying around an overweight body (since a young girl) he has allowed me to stay active and flexible and without to many serious ailments. Again, I cringe when I think of how I have unconsciously and without much regard abused my body..but here I sit, able to bounce back and enjoy relatively good health again, whew!...thank you Jesus!
Last year on this day, Ken asked me if I had any special requests as he went out to run some errands. I remember having a craving for fudge and he went to Abington Pharmacy to get some vanilla fudge for me. Well, this is a new year. Asking for fudge is not even on my radar. Who knew that I would have this type of transformation in the course of a year after years and years of this struggle....God is good and he answers on his time schedule.
Last night we had a few family members over for cake and ice cream. I actually made the cake the day before, frosted it and ate a small piece while I enjoyed the fellowship of our guests. I didn't crave more...I was quite satisfied with the average piece I took...I am really learning to live in a land of food...and even create, bake and serve food without binging...The set backs I have are minimal and I am able to bounce back easily where earlier in my life...this 2 month sick period would have given me easy license to indulge in sinful eating patterns...
I love where I am going. I read LUke 6:21..Blessed are those who are hungry now, they will be satisfied...I now love to be nourished by things other than food...I am very full today!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Day 25 & 26 - Blahhhh!
I feel like I am under attack from all sides. Finally getting better from the cough with the steroids but now, since yesterday, have a serious urinary tract infection that is keeping me in pain and nauseous and weak....and yet another antibiotic I can not catch a break here. I am so weary of this..don't even have the desire to post anything yesterday or today...maybe later
Ate horribly yesterday and can't really even eat breakfast today. When will this end? I am so sick of feeling sick...I am having such a hard time concentrating on anything..work, Daniel, etc...
God, I need a break...please...I really want to feel better tomorrow and keep our plans we made for my birthday
Please pray!
Ate horribly yesterday and can't really even eat breakfast today. When will this end? I am so sick of feeling sick...I am having such a hard time concentrating on anything..work, Daniel, etc...
God, I need a break...please...I really want to feel better tomorrow and keep our plans we made for my birthday
Please pray!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Day 24 - Tool building
This is another race to the finish kind of morning. Lots of deadlines on my plate...pressure and stress..still coughing, not sleeping...please pray that I can rise above all of this. I ate a bowl of oatmeal this morning...down to one serving's worth and I feel satisfied. I am still amazed at this...considering I would eat almost 2 servings and other stuff in the morning and still be ravenous some days. I believe that God is continuing to build the tools I need to eat like a thin, healthy individual. I have been struggling with the idea of getting a scale in my home. I have had them in the past but they have always dictated my feelings for the day. Can I have power over the scale too? Maybe, it will have to be a good and accurate one..maybe I should only weigh myself at the doctors each month...having a scale might just force the focus back on food...i don't know the answer to this yet.
So yesterday, I sat down with a breakfast of 3 squares of cornbread and a small bowl of strawberries. I thought to myself..this is probably too much but I took it anyway. I ate most of the strawberries and 4 of the cornbread halves and distinctly heard a voice telling me to stop eating...wrap them up and put in the fridge for later. I wanted to eat the rest...to taste the rest I should say, it was good but I obeyed.
I did alot of driving around yesterday. I stopped at Burger king to get lunch. I was going to get my usual but instead I chose a whopper junior meal and was satisfied with a smaller sandwich. Same with dinner...I really believe that God is really helping me to reinforce behavioral changes. It is getting easier to think about control and restraint as I choose each meal. The finny part of all of this is..even though the restraint and control are coming easier...I still get the trigger messages in my head. I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I hear in my head..."you should stop at Weinrichs bakery for some donuts"...on the way to work I hear "you should stop at McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin"...and stop at Starbucks for a Hazelnut latte"...I used to obey alot of these commands in my head...they used to be much stronger...My choice to choose God instead of food is filling me to the point where these suggestions are just a nuisance...I cant wait until they become a laughable reminder of who is in charge...I am not there yet because there is a little part of me that considers each suggestion for a moment or two. I have to actively work against them....More later
So yesterday, I sat down with a breakfast of 3 squares of cornbread and a small bowl of strawberries. I thought to myself..this is probably too much but I took it anyway. I ate most of the strawberries and 4 of the cornbread halves and distinctly heard a voice telling me to stop eating...wrap them up and put in the fridge for later. I wanted to eat the rest...to taste the rest I should say, it was good but I obeyed.
I did alot of driving around yesterday. I stopped at Burger king to get lunch. I was going to get my usual but instead I chose a whopper junior meal and was satisfied with a smaller sandwich. Same with dinner...I really believe that God is really helping me to reinforce behavioral changes. It is getting easier to think about control and restraint as I choose each meal. The finny part of all of this is..even though the restraint and control are coming easier...I still get the trigger messages in my head. I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I hear in my head..."you should stop at Weinrichs bakery for some donuts"...on the way to work I hear "you should stop at McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin"...and stop at Starbucks for a Hazelnut latte"...I used to obey alot of these commands in my head...they used to be much stronger...My choice to choose God instead of food is filling me to the point where these suggestions are just a nuisance...I cant wait until they become a laughable reminder of who is in charge...I am not there yet because there is a little part of me that considers each suggestion for a moment or two. I have to actively work against them....More later
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Day 22 -Day 23 continuing on in the Journey
(Day 23 - Yesterday was a blur. I didn't get much sleep because of this lingering cough..Daniel didn't sleep well because of his cold...it was a bad morning but I took him to babysitting anyway, he seemed to be ok and I had an appt that I desperately wanted to cancel but didn't. No quiet time, no focusing but no real overeating either. I think I got a beak yesterday in order to concentrate on other things. Tuns out my appt canceled after all and I had to leave work to pick up Daniel early...he was pretty sick. After doctors appts for both of us..we are, hopefully on the mend. I actually am coughing less after 2 days on steroids than I have in 2 months...wow! I did have the urge to overeat last night but went to bed instead...whew, dodged that bullet.
Day 24 - Anyway, today is, again, a new day. Read Psalm 107...Let the redeemed of the Lord Say so! There are many great verses in here..when you cry out to the Lord in your distress, he will lead you by a straight way till you reach a city to dwell in. I feel like I was a wanderer when it came to my eating struggles...trying on and off, every diet that pledged to free me from this prison...and when it didn't deliver..I would go back to wandering in either denial or deep despair. I feel like the cry expressed in this journal is what had to happen before God led me to a straight path that leads to a place I can dwell forever. A place at peace with food...a place where my head is not turned at the sight of a slightly open box of donuts.
Another verse I like is 9...He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with good things.. Did I even really think that it was my soul that needed fixing? I was stuffing my body so full of food, I couldn't hear the cries of my heart and soul for help. As I prepared my breakfast this morning, I thought to myself..am I taking too much? I made it anyway and sat down to eat. I ate 2/3rds of it and honestly heard a voice saying "stop now and put the rest back in the fridge for later. I really wanted to ignore it and eat the rest. I almost did ignore it but I kept hearing it. I got up, went in the kitchen and wrapped it up. Once it was out of my sight, it was easier to let it go. This, again, is huge...kind of like the chicken sandwich from burger king earlier in this blog. Can I really learn to eat just enough...only what I need? Can I really learn to listen to these inner voices consistently and not be called even louder by the unfinished food I put back in the fridge. At other times in my life...I would obsess about what I put back in the fridge until I broke down and ate it just to free myself from the obsession...I was not equipped to use any other tools to combat this obsession...I am building this new skill set as we speak.
There is much in this Psalm that really feeds me. Much more I would like to write out...maybe later...
Day 24 - Anyway, today is, again, a new day. Read Psalm 107...Let the redeemed of the Lord Say so! There are many great verses in here..when you cry out to the Lord in your distress, he will lead you by a straight way till you reach a city to dwell in. I feel like I was a wanderer when it came to my eating struggles...trying on and off, every diet that pledged to free me from this prison...and when it didn't deliver..I would go back to wandering in either denial or deep despair. I feel like the cry expressed in this journal is what had to happen before God led me to a straight path that leads to a place I can dwell forever. A place at peace with food...a place where my head is not turned at the sight of a slightly open box of donuts.
Another verse I like is 9...He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with good things.. Did I even really think that it was my soul that needed fixing? I was stuffing my body so full of food, I couldn't hear the cries of my heart and soul for help. As I prepared my breakfast this morning, I thought to myself..am I taking too much? I made it anyway and sat down to eat. I ate 2/3rds of it and honestly heard a voice saying "stop now and put the rest back in the fridge for later. I really wanted to ignore it and eat the rest. I almost did ignore it but I kept hearing it. I got up, went in the kitchen and wrapped it up. Once it was out of my sight, it was easier to let it go. This, again, is huge...kind of like the chicken sandwich from burger king earlier in this blog. Can I really learn to eat just enough...only what I need? Can I really learn to listen to these inner voices consistently and not be called even louder by the unfinished food I put back in the fridge. At other times in my life...I would obsess about what I put back in the fridge until I broke down and ate it just to free myself from the obsession...I was not equipped to use any other tools to combat this obsession...I am building this new skill set as we speak.
There is much in this Psalm that really feeds me. Much more I would like to write out...maybe later...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Day 21 - Obedience verses Indulgence
I woke up this morning and realized that I am over the hump of this 40 day journal..at least the length I have given it, who knows how long this will really take but, what an accomplishment...its not really mine alone...between Gods leading, my willingness and the prayers of those that have graciously committed to walk along with me...great changes are coming about in a lifelong struggle...I have been down-graded from solitary confinement with no freedom to minimum security, where I get lots of time out of my cell. One day I will eat as a totally free woman..free from the chains that bound me all this time.
I read Deuteronomy Chapter 28 today where it outlines the blessings for obedience and the curses for disobedience. Now, I have never been much of an Old Testament girl...too many lineage passages and explaining the law. Its so clear that this is true, right? I have hated restrictions for most of my life. In my youth, my father would call me his Bohemian...going whichever way the wind turned without structure or cause. This attitude, although fun and free-spirited, did not serve me well then and it has not served me well to this day. How amazing that God would bring me here on the 21st day, knowing that it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so they say. I think I am finally ready to embrace the "law" so to speak...I think I have a new respect for the guidelines God has layed out for our lives..for control and restraint...and dare I say it, Obedience!! Obedience is a polarizing word...I am not afraid of it...I am going so far as to embrace it in a way I never have. I believe that the blessings will abound like never before as I move toward it. Better blessings than I could have ever arranged for myself as a "bohemian".
The verse I love above all others is verse 8 where he says that he will bless me in the land he has given me. I have always pleaded with the Lord to take this all away. I have often wanted to be someone else and coveted their struggles as if they were easier than my own. I have often wanted to just flee from this struggle and at some points (not recently) even die to relieve the pain and compulsion. I feel so differently now. I feel like God is going to equip me to live in a land of food. The land that I am in right now which is better than plucking me out. If he did pluck me out of this land, think about the good I would be missing. I would look in longing for some of the things I loved about it. I would feel restricted and build it up to be this fabulous place that I could not gain entry to..,distort it and maybe feel a whole new sadness and compulsion...I may end up worshipping it. He also says in chapter 28 that we who believe are the head, not the tail. I have had such a "tail" mentality for so long...dragging along, picking up the crumbs of a healthy life. As the head, nothing should be off limits...but a good "head" of anything knows the importance of restraint, control...maturity being delayed gratification.
Wow, I just had a vision of this weight loss surgery as just another prison. Will it take me out of the land of food instead of equipping me to live there. Will it make me more of a slave to food than to be free from it. Will it make me a slave to supplements and potential hazards from changing God's design. Maybe it isn't unbiblical to have this surgery but, its just cross-addicting or "out of the frying pan into another" type experience. Hmmmm..is this the clarity I was looking for?
We will see as I continue. I am not ready to make my decision yet!
I read Deuteronomy Chapter 28 today where it outlines the blessings for obedience and the curses for disobedience. Now, I have never been much of an Old Testament girl...too many lineage passages and explaining the law. Its so clear that this is true, right? I have hated restrictions for most of my life. In my youth, my father would call me his Bohemian...going whichever way the wind turned without structure or cause. This attitude, although fun and free-spirited, did not serve me well then and it has not served me well to this day. How amazing that God would bring me here on the 21st day, knowing that it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so they say. I think I am finally ready to embrace the "law" so to speak...I think I have a new respect for the guidelines God has layed out for our lives..for control and restraint...and dare I say it, Obedience!! Obedience is a polarizing word...I am not afraid of it...I am going so far as to embrace it in a way I never have. I believe that the blessings will abound like never before as I move toward it. Better blessings than I could have ever arranged for myself as a "bohemian".
The verse I love above all others is verse 8 where he says that he will bless me in the land he has given me. I have always pleaded with the Lord to take this all away. I have often wanted to be someone else and coveted their struggles as if they were easier than my own. I have often wanted to just flee from this struggle and at some points (not recently) even die to relieve the pain and compulsion. I feel so differently now. I feel like God is going to equip me to live in a land of food. The land that I am in right now which is better than plucking me out. If he did pluck me out of this land, think about the good I would be missing. I would look in longing for some of the things I loved about it. I would feel restricted and build it up to be this fabulous place that I could not gain entry to..,distort it and maybe feel a whole new sadness and compulsion...I may end up worshipping it. He also says in chapter 28 that we who believe are the head, not the tail. I have had such a "tail" mentality for so long...dragging along, picking up the crumbs of a healthy life. As the head, nothing should be off limits...but a good "head" of anything knows the importance of restraint, control...maturity being delayed gratification.
Wow, I just had a vision of this weight loss surgery as just another prison. Will it take me out of the land of food instead of equipping me to live there. Will it make me more of a slave to food than to be free from it. Will it make me a slave to supplements and potential hazards from changing God's design. Maybe it isn't unbiblical to have this surgery but, its just cross-addicting or "out of the frying pan into another" type experience. Hmmmm..is this the clarity I was looking for?
We will see as I continue. I am not ready to make my decision yet!
Day 20 - Today was, in fact, a new day
Daniel has not been particularly cooperative through this journey. He has been continually sick and the mornings have been difficult and distracting. Needless to say...it has been especially hard to fit in quiet time in the morning. Got prayed up though, this morning with Ken and Daniel. We prayed against the Saturday box of donuts and prayed that I would chose my God wisely. Then, I went to work equipped with prayer, a healthy lunch and a renewed mind.
The donuts were not my God of choice today. Luckily, it was so busy today that I barely had time to think about the temptation, Every time I would pass the box, it would make me chuckle as it was half open and I could not see what was actually inside..."just an empty box" was my mantra!
Late in the day, one of my favorite members came in. This is someone that I have become friends with...someone who struggles with weight and is actually scheduled to have the gastric bypass within the next few months. We have been bouncing ideas off of each other about the surgeries and she has been a great encouragement. This is a high-powered executive with Merck, and an intelligent and God-fearing woman; although I do not know the extent of her beliefs. After she arrived, I walked back to the kitchen and saw her coming toward me eating a chocolate frosted, cream-filled donut. She saw me and quickly made a comment about not having eaten....
Immediately, I was struck with the thought "this is a picture of the wrong choice...a picture of lack of preparedness...she let the food have power over her...she could have stopped and gotten a sandwich or something healthier or brought something from home, etc..
I do not want to be this person anymore. Finally, God has shown me the road to freedom..choosing him in the midst of temptation and he is showing me how...this is a tool I never had before. Later on, I sat down to dinner and eat freely knowing at some point, I was going to feel the sensation of fullness. As I was down to about 1/4 of my meal left, I heard the subtle voice...you no longer need to eat..what you have eaten is enough to satisfy you and fuel your body...I wasn't ready to stop eating...to stop tasting the delicious food. I actually ate a few more bites and then struggled to take it into the kitchen and put it away...but I chose to believe it was going to be better to obey than to indulge...and it was!
The donuts were not my God of choice today. Luckily, it was so busy today that I barely had time to think about the temptation, Every time I would pass the box, it would make me chuckle as it was half open and I could not see what was actually inside..."just an empty box" was my mantra!
Late in the day, one of my favorite members came in. This is someone that I have become friends with...someone who struggles with weight and is actually scheduled to have the gastric bypass within the next few months. We have been bouncing ideas off of each other about the surgeries and she has been a great encouragement. This is a high-powered executive with Merck, and an intelligent and God-fearing woman; although I do not know the extent of her beliefs. After she arrived, I walked back to the kitchen and saw her coming toward me eating a chocolate frosted, cream-filled donut. She saw me and quickly made a comment about not having eaten....
Immediately, I was struck with the thought "this is a picture of the wrong choice...a picture of lack of preparedness...she let the food have power over her...she could have stopped and gotten a sandwich or something healthier or brought something from home, etc..
I do not want to be this person anymore. Finally, God has shown me the road to freedom..choosing him in the midst of temptation and he is showing me how...this is a tool I never had before. Later on, I sat down to dinner and eat freely knowing at some point, I was going to feel the sensation of fullness. As I was down to about 1/4 of my meal left, I heard the subtle voice...you no longer need to eat..what you have eaten is enough to satisfy you and fuel your body...I wasn't ready to stop eating...to stop tasting the delicious food. I actually ate a few more bites and then struggled to take it into the kitchen and put it away...but I chose to believe it was going to be better to obey than to indulge...and it was!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Day 19 - Equipped for battle
Went to work today without spending time in prayer. Did not pursue the armor of God...Daniel was completely frustrating and annoying me...did not prepare lunch....raced out the door. Did pretty well at breakfast, though, in my own strength apparently.
I headed into work and right into a long 2-hour meeting. AS I am sitting there zoning in and out of focus on the meeting. Lisa (the owner) brought out dark chocolate covered fortune cookies to make a point in the meeting, Fortune cookies?...at 9am in the morning...absolutely...I ate it quickly and desperately wanted another one...I could barely pay attention...I was empty and I wanted to fill up with food.
Well, then, it was as if Satan himself walked into the room and set down 2 boxes on the table right in front of me. Inside were the most beautiful fruit danishes...large, vanilla iced..dripping with fruit-flavored filling...I was paralyzed. I couldn't get up and run.. I caved and ate 1 and picked at another during the rest of the meeting. I caved because...well, lots of reasons...all of them self-absorbed and pleasure seeking.
It is clearer to me than ever before how important it is to be equipped for the day. The equipping that the Lord has to offer far exceeds any resolve I can muster up for myself...and you never know when your exact strongest temptation (Frosted breads with fruit filling) is going to be dangled in front of you by the enemy.
I am not going to dwell on this day. I am just going to learn and move on...tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to chose the path where beautiful pastries dancing in front of me are not my God.
I headed into work and right into a long 2-hour meeting. AS I am sitting there zoning in and out of focus on the meeting. Lisa (the owner) brought out dark chocolate covered fortune cookies to make a point in the meeting, Fortune cookies?...at 9am in the morning...absolutely...I ate it quickly and desperately wanted another one...I could barely pay attention...I was empty and I wanted to fill up with food.
Well, then, it was as if Satan himself walked into the room and set down 2 boxes on the table right in front of me. Inside were the most beautiful fruit danishes...large, vanilla iced..dripping with fruit-flavored filling...I was paralyzed. I couldn't get up and run.. I caved and ate 1 and picked at another during the rest of the meeting. I caved because...well, lots of reasons...all of them self-absorbed and pleasure seeking.
It is clearer to me than ever before how important it is to be equipped for the day. The equipping that the Lord has to offer far exceeds any resolve I can muster up for myself...and you never know when your exact strongest temptation (Frosted breads with fruit filling) is going to be dangled in front of you by the enemy.
I am not going to dwell on this day. I am just going to learn and move on...tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to chose the path where beautiful pastries dancing in front of me are not my God.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Day 18 - The morning after
Woke up this morning feeling much less angst and weepyness...feeling a bit confused by what I experienced the last 2 days but knowing that I just have to move ahead. I am trying not to let the fears I am having sway me in either direction...I had a meeting set up with someone this morning to talk and pray about clarity and direction. I find it amazing that we were going to have this discussion 2 weeks ago but our schedules didn't mesh until this day..I think that our discussion was much different today than it would have been at the beginning of this journey.
I overate this morning..consciously making the choice to overeat in the midst of feeling confused and weary and unsettled...did I really think that this was all going to go away after 1 cathartic experience...no, it is still a journey, I still have to choose Jesus, not my food of choice as salve for my wounded heart.
As we sat and talked about the happenings since this journey began,,,The person I was talking to suggested that I had gone through a true heart repentance...not that I had..that I am going through it. I had not thought of my experience in these terms but it did occur to me that any repentance I have ever felt for this struggle in the past has really been a surface scratching and false repentance in order to hopefully inspire God to help me lose weight..not a true opening of my heart and a release and ownership over all the bad choices I have made when it comes to this life long struggle. A true forgiveness to anyone and anything that has made it difficult along the way...a true eye opening to what the real struggle is here....I think this might have been the beginning of that....as heart wrenching as it was to go through that emotion...I want more. I want it all out in the open, I want to deal with it all...I want it gone from the depths of my inner self.
I have thought, arrogantly, over the years that my struggle is unique and maybe worse than what others go through...I have had plenty of self-focused pity parties...I have done plenty of blaming society and the placement of food in my path for my bad food choices. I have been so angry at God for not freeing me from this long ago. I have missed out on blessing others and I am sure plenty of opportunities where God might have wanted to use me in the lives of others because I was completely focused on my struggle and obsessing about my food life.
Does any of this make my decision to have surgery any easier? Maybe...what I do know is that, for now, the struggle is more about my heart than it is about the plan to lose weight. Its not even about getting rid of the Diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure right now...I need to continue to move forward and hunger and thirst for what God wants to teach me about true heart change, about true sacrifice, about what it means to turn to him in the midst of temptation..about having an outwardly focused heart and life.
What I haven't recorded yet is that I have dropped 8 pounds since starting this journal. The most exciting part about that is that I lost this weight without the latest, greatest diet, without choosing what works for others, without restrictive eating or dare I say it..keeping a "list of foods I ate today". None of these tools are bad, they just were not on this particular part of the journey...In addition to the 8 physical pounds..I feel like I have released 3 times that in emotional baggage...we will see what happens with the rest.
Re: The surgery
The clarity that I have Right now is to put the process on hold for maybe 30 days. To not move ahead as if I am definitely having the surgery..which means more invasive visits with a cardiologist, a pulminologist (sp?), a sleep study and an endoscopy. I don't want to postpone it to the point where the work I have done so far is null and void and I would have to do that all over again...I just want to stop the focus on that temporarily and work on my heart and thought life for a while.
I see the clarity...sweet clarity...on the horizon.
By the way,someone left a comment on yesterdays post..."AA" who are you and thank you for your timely feedback on the surgery.
I overate this morning..consciously making the choice to overeat in the midst of feeling confused and weary and unsettled...did I really think that this was all going to go away after 1 cathartic experience...no, it is still a journey, I still have to choose Jesus, not my food of choice as salve for my wounded heart.
As we sat and talked about the happenings since this journey began,,,The person I was talking to suggested that I had gone through a true heart repentance...not that I had..that I am going through it. I had not thought of my experience in these terms but it did occur to me that any repentance I have ever felt for this struggle in the past has really been a surface scratching and false repentance in order to hopefully inspire God to help me lose weight..not a true opening of my heart and a release and ownership over all the bad choices I have made when it comes to this life long struggle. A true forgiveness to anyone and anything that has made it difficult along the way...a true eye opening to what the real struggle is here....I think this might have been the beginning of that....as heart wrenching as it was to go through that emotion...I want more. I want it all out in the open, I want to deal with it all...I want it gone from the depths of my inner self.
I have thought, arrogantly, over the years that my struggle is unique and maybe worse than what others go through...I have had plenty of self-focused pity parties...I have done plenty of blaming society and the placement of food in my path for my bad food choices. I have been so angry at God for not freeing me from this long ago. I have missed out on blessing others and I am sure plenty of opportunities where God might have wanted to use me in the lives of others because I was completely focused on my struggle and obsessing about my food life.
Does any of this make my decision to have surgery any easier? Maybe...what I do know is that, for now, the struggle is more about my heart than it is about the plan to lose weight. Its not even about getting rid of the Diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure right now...I need to continue to move forward and hunger and thirst for what God wants to teach me about true heart change, about true sacrifice, about what it means to turn to him in the midst of temptation..about having an outwardly focused heart and life.
What I haven't recorded yet is that I have dropped 8 pounds since starting this journal. The most exciting part about that is that I lost this weight without the latest, greatest diet, without choosing what works for others, without restrictive eating or dare I say it..keeping a "list of foods I ate today". None of these tools are bad, they just were not on this particular part of the journey...In addition to the 8 physical pounds..I feel like I have released 3 times that in emotional baggage...we will see what happens with the rest.
Re: The surgery
The clarity that I have Right now is to put the process on hold for maybe 30 days. To not move ahead as if I am definitely having the surgery..which means more invasive visits with a cardiologist, a pulminologist (sp?), a sleep study and an endoscopy. I don't want to postpone it to the point where the work I have done so far is null and void and I would have to do that all over again...I just want to stop the focus on that temporarily and work on my heart and thought life for a while.
I see the clarity...sweet clarity...on the horizon.
By the way,someone left a comment on yesterdays post..."AA" who are you and thank you for your timely feedback on the surgery.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sad and Heavy Laden
Well, I got through 2 appts so far and by the grace of God, I did not burst out in tears as I was suggesting the blue sofa...not the red one!! It is really not as silly as it sounds..I am a highly trained individual and these are expensive decisions and it usually entails more than just telling people what color sofa to pick (Just incase you were laughing at the ridiculousness of it all).
Even though I am putting on a professional front on the outside...I am on my knees in my heart asking Gods forgiveness for treating my body the way I have...I am devistated at the realization, finally, of how serious a place I am in...at the condition of my body and my inability to fix it...finally, I am powerless...I have pretended to be powerless over the years...even scolded him for not working on this struggle with me...as if he wasnt.
All this time, I have been waiting on God to help me when, all along he has been waiting for me...HE has been waiting for ME..to take responsibility for where I am and be truly broken.
Oh, here comes my next appt...sigh...I couldnt feel like I have less to give.
Even though I am putting on a professional front on the outside...I am on my knees in my heart asking Gods forgiveness for treating my body the way I have...I am devistated at the realization, finally, of how serious a place I am in...at the condition of my body and my inability to fix it...finally, I am powerless...I have pretended to be powerless over the years...even scolded him for not working on this struggle with me...as if he wasnt.
All this time, I have been waiting on God to help me when, all along he has been waiting for me...HE has been waiting for ME..to take responsibility for where I am and be truly broken.
Oh, here comes my next appt...sigh...I couldnt feel like I have less to give.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Morning Day 17 - Reflections fom yesterday
I have waited until now to try to record what I experienced yesterday. It was a hard day. ...I went into the interview with the surgeon prayed up but nervous. I went in feeling no direction..just blind faith that God would be with me, helping me make any decisions necessary.
I sat there as I waited for the doctor in a chair that fit me well. It was actually 1 1/2 times the size of a normal waiting room chair with arms. It made me feel small...usually I squeeze myself into chairs in this type of setting and they make me feel humongous. It was weird being in a land designed for large people..so much of our world is not.
So, the Lithuanian surgeon came in and greeted me warmly..he was very kind and as our conversation continued, he really instilled confidence in me. Obviously this guy has made it his life's practice to help the overweight. He understood my vacillation and did not make me feel compelled to "jump on the gurney' right then and there.
He went through the different surgeries and we both determined quickly that the one I wanted, the lap band, was worthless to me.."it's not strong enough" he said...too much trigger food can get right through that band...ok, my stomach started knotting up...so if I want to consider a surgery,it is going to have to be one that rearanges my stomach and intestines...forever changing how I eat...the experience of eating and digesting...the way God designed my body...it will all be changed forever...I feel the stomach tightening..my clarity and decision making skills draining away...my emotion welling up...I swallow it all for the moment in order to pay attention to the details...
So,his recommendation after some banter back and forth is a surgery called the duodenal switch where during a 5 hour surgery, the stomach is cut into a vetical tube, kind of the size of a hot dog maybe? then the lower portion of my small intestines would be disconnected and reconnected to the bottom part of this new stomach. This lessens the digestive time and keeps most of the calories from being absorbed by the body. Most of the eating experience is the same but, I would loose about 95% of my excess weight within a year and the diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pessure would disappear almost immediately...but, I would need to take vitamins and protien supplements for the rest of my life to keep from getting too skinny....to skinny he says...how ridiculous does that sound right now..but apparently it is very serious. The other option, the traditional gastric bypass, leaves me with a gastric pouch the size of my thumb and a very restrictive diet mixed with the syndome of "dumping" when I do indulge in anything with sugar or fat...how does one decide between those 2 options...what is the worst part of any of these surgeries?...not being able to lift my son for 4 to 6 weeks...I could feel the tears starting to rise.......he checked off the duodenal switch and I could not get to my car fast enough to let the levy break. I sat in my car and cried for awhile...I just could not hold it in any longer...all the searching, all the fear, all the trying to hold it all together, all the self-loathing, all the sadness, all the lost time I have spent struggling with my weight and health issues....how did I get here...how did I get to this point in my life where the fear of getting one of these surgeries equals the fear of not getting one of these surgeries and living with the failed attempts to change this for the rest of my life. The fear of never being free from this. I feel paralyzed...unable to make a move either way.
I have been soaked in emotion since yesterday..experiencing huge vacillations between the sadness of it all, what I have done to my body to reach this point and the anger towards society for making this lifetime struggle so had for me...why does food have to be everywhere...why is this such an acceptable thing to do, serve cake and doughnuts and pastries and such excess, everywhere...why are there buffets and all you can eat restaurants and such an exceptance of overindulgence in this society. There are few safe havens for me...places where food is not layed out, taunting me, making me choose...it's embraced. Its not like you see a bottle of whisky and plate of caefully arranged joints sitting next to the apple crumb and the cheese danish...
I have never been this broken when it comes to what I have done to my body and the decisions I have made over the years re: food choices. I have never been so sorry before...I am so sorry for destoying my body...for not caring what I put in or how much. (tears, tears, tears!) I am so sorry for doing this irreversible damage. For my selfish indulgence..for my battered heart...for treating this gift so carelessly.
My heart and body are heavy today...I really want to just curl up in a ball and cry out my pain today...but, alas, I need to go help people select sofas and deal with their design dilemmas...you know, the important work of the day???
I need strength...I need all the things I have been asking for in this journal and for the ones I don't know how to ask for yet.
I do not know what is next.
I sat there as I waited for the doctor in a chair that fit me well. It was actually 1 1/2 times the size of a normal waiting room chair with arms. It made me feel small...usually I squeeze myself into chairs in this type of setting and they make me feel humongous. It was weird being in a land designed for large people..so much of our world is not.
So, the Lithuanian surgeon came in and greeted me warmly..he was very kind and as our conversation continued, he really instilled confidence in me. Obviously this guy has made it his life's practice to help the overweight. He understood my vacillation and did not make me feel compelled to "jump on the gurney' right then and there.
He went through the different surgeries and we both determined quickly that the one I wanted, the lap band, was worthless to me.."it's not strong enough" he said...too much trigger food can get right through that band...ok, my stomach started knotting up...so if I want to consider a surgery,it is going to have to be one that rearanges my stomach and intestines...forever changing how I eat...the experience of eating and digesting...the way God designed my body...it will all be changed forever...I feel the stomach tightening..my clarity and decision making skills draining away...my emotion welling up...I swallow it all for the moment in order to pay attention to the details...
So,his recommendation after some banter back and forth is a surgery called the duodenal switch where during a 5 hour surgery, the stomach is cut into a vetical tube, kind of the size of a hot dog maybe? then the lower portion of my small intestines would be disconnected and reconnected to the bottom part of this new stomach. This lessens the digestive time and keeps most of the calories from being absorbed by the body. Most of the eating experience is the same but, I would loose about 95% of my excess weight within a year and the diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pessure would disappear almost immediately...but, I would need to take vitamins and protien supplements for the rest of my life to keep from getting too skinny....to skinny he says...how ridiculous does that sound right now..but apparently it is very serious. The other option, the traditional gastric bypass, leaves me with a gastric pouch the size of my thumb and a very restrictive diet mixed with the syndome of "dumping" when I do indulge in anything with sugar or fat...how does one decide between those 2 options...what is the worst part of any of these surgeries?...not being able to lift my son for 4 to 6 weeks...I could feel the tears starting to rise.......he checked off the duodenal switch and I could not get to my car fast enough to let the levy break. I sat in my car and cried for awhile...I just could not hold it in any longer...all the searching, all the fear, all the trying to hold it all together, all the self-loathing, all the sadness, all the lost time I have spent struggling with my weight and health issues....how did I get here...how did I get to this point in my life where the fear of getting one of these surgeries equals the fear of not getting one of these surgeries and living with the failed attempts to change this for the rest of my life. The fear of never being free from this. I feel paralyzed...unable to make a move either way.
I have been soaked in emotion since yesterday..experiencing huge vacillations between the sadness of it all, what I have done to my body to reach this point and the anger towards society for making this lifetime struggle so had for me...why does food have to be everywhere...why is this such an acceptable thing to do, serve cake and doughnuts and pastries and such excess, everywhere...why are there buffets and all you can eat restaurants and such an exceptance of overindulgence in this society. There are few safe havens for me...places where food is not layed out, taunting me, making me choose...it's embraced. Its not like you see a bottle of whisky and plate of caefully arranged joints sitting next to the apple crumb and the cheese danish...
I have never been this broken when it comes to what I have done to my body and the decisions I have made over the years re: food choices. I have never been so sorry before...I am so sorry for destoying my body...for not caring what I put in or how much. (tears, tears, tears!) I am so sorry for doing this irreversible damage. For my selfish indulgence..for my battered heart...for treating this gift so carelessly.
My heart and body are heavy today...I really want to just curl up in a ball and cry out my pain today...but, alas, I need to go help people select sofas and deal with their design dilemmas...you know, the important work of the day???
I need strength...I need all the things I have been asking for in this journal and for the ones I don't know how to ask for yet.
I do not know what is next.
Morning Day 16 - The Surgeon Appt
I am going into this appt without a clue what I should be doing. Is the silence because I am just suppose to make the decision on my own, that either direction is ok or is it just not time yet. I am hoping that the surgeon will understand my vacillation and unready-ness. I can't be the only one that has such uncertainty...clearly, this journey isn't over yet. The surgeon's appt seems premature but I am going to go trusting that God is in control and that he is revealing what I need to know when I need to know it.
Read Mt 5:6 this morning, the sermon on the mount...according to this verse, I am blessed because I hunger and thirst for righteousness...God promises here that I would be satisfied. I believe him...I believe that I am on track to be satisfied as long as I keep my eyes on him in every situation...in every decision...with every morsel of food...he even blesses me when I make mistakes...when I fall. I am his child regardless. Father...I need your guidance and your wisdom...I need you to continue to free me and continue to show me the clear path to this freedom.
I am eating much less food and I am achieving a higher level of satisfaction everyday despite the loss of the extra food...God is filling the void that the food once filled...sweet answer to prayer.
Please pay for this appt.
Read Mt 5:6 this morning, the sermon on the mount...according to this verse, I am blessed because I hunger and thirst for righteousness...God promises here that I would be satisfied. I believe him...I believe that I am on track to be satisfied as long as I keep my eyes on him in every situation...in every decision...with every morsel of food...he even blesses me when I make mistakes...when I fall. I am his child regardless. Father...I need your guidance and your wisdom...I need you to continue to free me and continue to show me the clear path to this freedom.
I am eating much less food and I am achieving a higher level of satisfaction everyday despite the loss of the extra food...God is filling the void that the food once filled...sweet answer to prayer.
Please pay for this appt.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Day 15 - Busy, Busy, Busy!
I have got to leave myself more time in the morning..there are just too many tasks to perform..to many distractions and too many reasons to put my quiet time and study on the back burner.
Went to work today not really centered. I prayed a little on the way to work then went about my day...is it okay to have a day or 2 like this in the midst of this journey...we will see! God was there, I felt him throughout the day..lots going on at work but somehow I was able to get it all accomplished.
It continues to amaze me how God answers prayer...the end of the day was pretty hairy for me. I left Directbuy to go to a client's home without her file, with a phone that was almost out of juice, without my GPS...I actually had to call Ken for mapquest directions and then try to use my gps on my phone because the mapquest directions did not make sense...then my phone died on the way but with all of these stressers...I was still able to find my way and had a great appointment...didnt need the file..make some great decisions that will lead to some commissions...I did not make all that happen on my own...God, you are always there...always ready to work all things for good.
BTW, in the misdt of all that, I had to stop somewhere and get dinner. This appt was over the dinner hour...made great choices and showed control and restraint in the midst of the stress. Usually stress gives me the permission I need to overeat...I no longer find that permission I used to give myself...change...root change!
Went to work today not really centered. I prayed a little on the way to work then went about my day...is it okay to have a day or 2 like this in the midst of this journey...we will see! God was there, I felt him throughout the day..lots going on at work but somehow I was able to get it all accomplished.
It continues to amaze me how God answers prayer...the end of the day was pretty hairy for me. I left Directbuy to go to a client's home without her file, with a phone that was almost out of juice, without my GPS...I actually had to call Ken for mapquest directions and then try to use my gps on my phone because the mapquest directions did not make sense...then my phone died on the way but with all of these stressers...I was still able to find my way and had a great appointment...didnt need the file..make some great decisions that will lead to some commissions...I did not make all that happen on my own...God, you are always there...always ready to work all things for good.
BTW, in the misdt of all that, I had to stop somewhere and get dinner. This appt was over the dinner hour...made great choices and showed control and restraint in the midst of the stress. Usually stress gives me the permission I need to overeat...I no longer find that permission I used to give myself...change...root change!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Day 14..More thoughts on the process
Went to Church this morning and coughed my way through it, trying not to disturb the people around me. Came home and I am taking it easy today..trying not to talk much..getting caught up on stuff. This cough is just getting ridiculous.
Read Romans 12:1 - 2 again today...where it talks about presenting your body as a living sacrifice...to not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind...it also says that by testing, I will be able to discern the will of God and what is good, acceptable and perfect. I wanted to reread these verses again and spend some time thinking about them more than the other day.
I have not presented my body as a living sacrifice, this I know! I experience the intense feelings of failure every time I look at myself in the mirror. My body image issues run deep. I have spent some time trying to reverse the deep running neuropathways that tell me that I am ugly and unacceptable. I haven't arrived yet at being free from these negative thoughts and feelings but I have worked through much of it. I like quite a bit about myself...mostly stuff on the inside. I think I will deal more with that later..its a blog all on its own I think!
How do you present yourself as a living sacrifice? I think in this case, it means to die to the intense desires for certain foods and certain amounts of food...to die to the desire for excess or the experience of food over healthful eating. Some people may think I am making too big a deal about the type or amount of food I eat or that I am over-spiritualizing this struggle. think I am right where I am suppose to be struggling through this. I think that my reading of this verse is very timely in this journey. Especially with my breakdown the other day when I was feeling lack of clarity about the surgery and frustrated at not having a clear direction. I think that God is encouraging me to not follow human suggestion...some people think this is a great next step in this journey, others think I do not need surgery..that it is not the answer. I seem to be internally swayed from day to day about what path I think I am on based on the things I am hearing from people that come my way and have an opinion. This kind of vacillation is exhausting. Its not that I want to shield myself from what people have to say...I want to hear opinions and stories and experiences...the exhausting part is latching on to each tidbit of info and riding that person's conviction for awhile as if it is the deciding factor I have been waiting for. I want to listen to opinion, story and experience and still look to God for my direction. I still want him to tell me which direction I should be moving...I want to continue this mind renewal experience. I believe that God will reveal his will at some point...I am so impatient...he is asking me to wait and will give me all the answers I desire when the time is right...ugghh, how I hate to wait. I want what is good and acceptable and perfect....please pray that I can wait for that...It may be more than 40 days!!!
Tuesday I meet with the surgeon to discuss the type of surgery that is best for me. I still need to get an endoscopy done and meet with the nutritionist one more time...then I could be scheduled for surgery...in the beginning of this journey..I would have been thrilled that it is moving along so quickly...now, I feel a bit rushed through this process. Again, the world would have me scheduled already....I need to not conform to the worlds schedule...or even the surgeons schedule. There is a support group that meets every third Tuesday...it happens to be this Tuesday as well. It will be interesting to see how the meeting with the surgeon goes and then the support group.
I am moving toward a place where I have to make a decision...soon, not tomorrow, but soon. I do not want to waste time and money on either side if I am not going to choose surgery. I was told by the nurse that they spend an average of 8 hours on the phone with the insurance company at some point, trying to get me approved...can you imagine all the people I have had spending time, performing tests, taking information and counseling me through this process...only to say, thanks for all that work but I think I am going to pass. It's much to think about...please pray that I do not get too caught up in this kind of stuff..that I just move faithfully forward in my quest for what God says is good and acceptable and perfect, believing that its all worth it...it has been so far.
Read Romans 12:1 - 2 again today...where it talks about presenting your body as a living sacrifice...to not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind...it also says that by testing, I will be able to discern the will of God and what is good, acceptable and perfect. I wanted to reread these verses again and spend some time thinking about them more than the other day.
I have not presented my body as a living sacrifice, this I know! I experience the intense feelings of failure every time I look at myself in the mirror. My body image issues run deep. I have spent some time trying to reverse the deep running neuropathways that tell me that I am ugly and unacceptable. I haven't arrived yet at being free from these negative thoughts and feelings but I have worked through much of it. I like quite a bit about myself...mostly stuff on the inside. I think I will deal more with that later..its a blog all on its own I think!
How do you present yourself as a living sacrifice? I think in this case, it means to die to the intense desires for certain foods and certain amounts of food...to die to the desire for excess or the experience of food over healthful eating. Some people may think I am making too big a deal about the type or amount of food I eat or that I am over-spiritualizing this struggle. think I am right where I am suppose to be struggling through this. I think that my reading of this verse is very timely in this journey. Especially with my breakdown the other day when I was feeling lack of clarity about the surgery and frustrated at not having a clear direction. I think that God is encouraging me to not follow human suggestion...some people think this is a great next step in this journey, others think I do not need surgery..that it is not the answer. I seem to be internally swayed from day to day about what path I think I am on based on the things I am hearing from people that come my way and have an opinion. This kind of vacillation is exhausting. Its not that I want to shield myself from what people have to say...I want to hear opinions and stories and experiences...the exhausting part is latching on to each tidbit of info and riding that person's conviction for awhile as if it is the deciding factor I have been waiting for. I want to listen to opinion, story and experience and still look to God for my direction. I still want him to tell me which direction I should be moving...I want to continue this mind renewal experience. I believe that God will reveal his will at some point...I am so impatient...he is asking me to wait and will give me all the answers I desire when the time is right...ugghh, how I hate to wait. I want what is good and acceptable and perfect....please pray that I can wait for that...It may be more than 40 days!!!
Tuesday I meet with the surgeon to discuss the type of surgery that is best for me. I still need to get an endoscopy done and meet with the nutritionist one more time...then I could be scheduled for surgery...in the beginning of this journey..I would have been thrilled that it is moving along so quickly...now, I feel a bit rushed through this process. Again, the world would have me scheduled already....I need to not conform to the worlds schedule...or even the surgeons schedule. There is a support group that meets every third Tuesday...it happens to be this Tuesday as well. It will be interesting to see how the meeting with the surgeon goes and then the support group.
I am moving toward a place where I have to make a decision...soon, not tomorrow, but soon. I do not want to waste time and money on either side if I am not going to choose surgery. I was told by the nurse that they spend an average of 8 hours on the phone with the insurance company at some point, trying to get me approved...can you imagine all the people I have had spending time, performing tests, taking information and counseling me through this process...only to say, thanks for all that work but I think I am going to pass. It's much to think about...please pray that I do not get too caught up in this kind of stuff..that I just move faithfully forward in my quest for what God says is good and acceptable and perfect, believing that its all worth it...it has been so far.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
A little help along the way!
Ok, as the day went on, it did get a little harder to avoid the donuts. It was harder not to glance at the box which was partially open and calling to me ...The last time I passed by in the weakness of my physical hunger (I didn't pack a lunch today and there was no pizza)...I broke down and glanced in to the box....it was empty...it was just a stupid empty box that I was allowing to have power over me...God, you are so good...I am not alone in this struggle. You took the decision away...to take or not to take!
I am learning that the calling is not from the box...or the fast food joint, bakery, Starbucks etc...it comes from within...its my heart wanting to seek pleasure and satisfaction...the desire of my heart is changing ever so slowly....painfully slowly...but, it IS changing.
It was a good day!
I am learning that the calling is not from the box...or the fast food joint, bakery, Starbucks etc...it comes from within...its my heart wanting to seek pleasure and satisfaction...the desire of my heart is changing ever so slowly....painfully slowly...but, it IS changing.
It was a good day!
The Donut Dance
Read Romans 12: 1 - 2...before I came in to the office. The Donuts are a non issue this morning. Its like they are not really there..how is this even possible...God, you are amazing...I am speechless with the lack of pull I feel this morning....just speechless and close to tears...
I can do all things through Christ who stengthens me!!!!! Keep praying, this is remarkable.
I can do all things through Christ who stengthens me!!!!! Keep praying, this is remarkable.
Morning Day 13
Ken and I went out for a really nice dinner at this new asian fushion cafe near our home. We walked there and brought a bottle of wine. It was absolutely delicious! The portion sizes were not too big and everything down to the garnish was completely delicious. We shared an appetizer and a dessert...I realized that I can splurge a little like this when I am with someone who will hold me accountable.
I left there totally satisfied with the food and the experience. The weak desires I had to take something from our pantry were laughably easy to resist...almost non-existent.
How to I get to the point where I can feel this way in the evening after every meal? Maybe we need to do this once a month or so...maybe it will help calm the savage beast in between!
Speaking of which...I am working at Directbuy today and I will need to do the donut dance all day today. It starts out with several boxes of incredibly fresh donuts from a locally bakery set out for our members every saturday. I dont think I have ever not indulged. I dont usually let people see me eat the donuts. I usually make sure that no one is around and I steel one..I often take a half of one and then go back later for the rest...I hate the donut box!
Please pray, those of you who are reading as it will take immense strength to stay away. to not even open the box...their little voices are strong and crafty. They are strategically placed near the flooring section where I need to spend time throughout the day. My stomach is actually in knots thinking about it...is this crazy?
There is also pizza for lunch which is a lesser struggle. I feel confident that I can have 1 slice and be done with it..I like Pizza but it is not really a trigger food.
I need to talk about the voices that turn me toward overeating and eating trigger foods. Its a stirring...I actually hear the words in my head. When I am driving, like yesterday morning...I was driving toward the turnpike and before I even approached the dunkin donuts, I hear the words in my mind.."You should stop at Dunkin Donuts". Now that I am eating less and using control and restraint...I can really hear this as if someone is speaking to me. There is less noise in my head with the absent downward spiral I am usually burdened with when I overeat. I recognize it as Satan whispering in my ear...a specific request from the devil on my shoulder. Next time I hear this, I am going to react verbally...deny the request...maybe someday, I can laugh in the face of this pressure...right now, it is a fight to deny it.
I left there totally satisfied with the food and the experience. The weak desires I had to take something from our pantry were laughably easy to resist...almost non-existent.
How to I get to the point where I can feel this way in the evening after every meal? Maybe we need to do this once a month or so...maybe it will help calm the savage beast in between!
Speaking of which...I am working at Directbuy today and I will need to do the donut dance all day today. It starts out with several boxes of incredibly fresh donuts from a locally bakery set out for our members every saturday. I dont think I have ever not indulged. I dont usually let people see me eat the donuts. I usually make sure that no one is around and I steel one..I often take a half of one and then go back later for the rest...I hate the donut box!
Please pray, those of you who are reading as it will take immense strength to stay away. to not even open the box...their little voices are strong and crafty. They are strategically placed near the flooring section where I need to spend time throughout the day. My stomach is actually in knots thinking about it...is this crazy?
There is also pizza for lunch which is a lesser struggle. I feel confident that I can have 1 slice and be done with it..I like Pizza but it is not really a trigger food.
I need to talk about the voices that turn me toward overeating and eating trigger foods. Its a stirring...I actually hear the words in my head. When I am driving, like yesterday morning...I was driving toward the turnpike and before I even approached the dunkin donuts, I hear the words in my mind.."You should stop at Dunkin Donuts". Now that I am eating less and using control and restraint...I can really hear this as if someone is speaking to me. There is less noise in my head with the absent downward spiral I am usually burdened with when I overeat. I recognize it as Satan whispering in my ear...a specific request from the devil on my shoulder. Next time I hear this, I am going to react verbally...deny the request...maybe someday, I can laugh in the face of this pressure...right now, it is a fight to deny it.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Morning - A brand New Day - Day 12
After my morning crash yesterday, I was able to recommit pretty quickly to this journey. I think I am going to move on. The rest of the day, yesterday was pretty controlled. I ate 1 slice of pizza for dinner. I never eat one slice of pizza. I am still moving in the right direction.
Another issue that came up yesterday was my confusion on the bariatic surgery I am considering. I walked out of the appt with the Psychologist they require and I sat in my car and just cried. I have no clarity on this yet. I see people with great success when I go into the center, I have even talked with a few and they always say "This is the best thing I have ever done for myself" but I still have so much fear about how this will change my body and my eating. I am still afraid of only being able to eat ridiculously small amounts of food and the complications that you can have from this type of surgery. I am struggling with belief that God is going to give me clarity on this and that I am just going to end up making this decision out of fear or desperation.
Why do I doubt him? He has never let me down and has given me more insight, clarity and direction than I could have ever asked for in the past. Its the transition time...the waiting. I have never considered waiting one of my strengths...I guess I need to just suck it up and wait..and trust that you will speak to me when the time is right.
This uncertainty contributed to the fall yesterday, I'm sure. I need to learn how to rise above the pain of the moment and keep my eyes on this process of change. Some day soon I need to have a day like this and not have it effect the way I eat. I think it may be coming...again, the waiting...but while I wait, I search and I struggle...this is active waiting.
I read Mark 7: (?) about God declaring no food unclean and I thought to myself...I want to eat real food...I want to enjoy all food. Fat free and light and lowfat food rarely satisfies me. I have seen many people incorporate these foods into there diet and it works well for them to maintain a healthy eating plan. Because of my desire for the experience and my intense desire for taste it never has been an effective tool for me. right now, I feel like God is allowing me all foods but, I am convinced like never before that I need to continue to reduce my intake of food, not necessarily what the food is that I am eating , at least that's not the focus right now. Prayer circle, please pray, pay, pray!
Another issue that came up yesterday was my confusion on the bariatic surgery I am considering. I walked out of the appt with the Psychologist they require and I sat in my car and just cried. I have no clarity on this yet. I see people with great success when I go into the center, I have even talked with a few and they always say "This is the best thing I have ever done for myself" but I still have so much fear about how this will change my body and my eating. I am still afraid of only being able to eat ridiculously small amounts of food and the complications that you can have from this type of surgery. I am struggling with belief that God is going to give me clarity on this and that I am just going to end up making this decision out of fear or desperation.
Why do I doubt him? He has never let me down and has given me more insight, clarity and direction than I could have ever asked for in the past. Its the transition time...the waiting. I have never considered waiting one of my strengths...I guess I need to just suck it up and wait..and trust that you will speak to me when the time is right.
This uncertainty contributed to the fall yesterday, I'm sure. I need to learn how to rise above the pain of the moment and keep my eyes on this process of change. Some day soon I need to have a day like this and not have it effect the way I eat. I think it may be coming...again, the waiting...but while I wait, I search and I struggle...this is active waiting.
I read Mark 7: (?) about God declaring no food unclean and I thought to myself...I want to eat real food...I want to enjoy all food. Fat free and light and lowfat food rarely satisfies me. I have seen many people incorporate these foods into there diet and it works well for them to maintain a healthy eating plan. Because of my desire for the experience and my intense desire for taste it never has been an effective tool for me. right now, I feel like God is allowing me all foods but, I am convinced like never before that I need to continue to reduce my intake of food, not necessarily what the food is that I am eating , at least that's not the focus right now. Prayer circle, please pray, pay, pray!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Crashed but not totalled
Well, I lost this particular battle today. When I gave in earlier I felt the old feelings for a moment..despair, I knew it wouldn't last, not caring, surrender...but I do now have some success under my belt..some real solid victory..so, I am going to take a different approach and cut my losses. Here is how the morning went.
Went to a brief meeting with the Psychologist required by the bariatric program. Then had about an hour I didn't expect to have. This extra "idle" time mixed together with the mood I was in ...bad combo. I called 2 people to get prayer. 1 was available and prayed. I went into a store looking for some Popsicle molds..came out with some chocolate and some licorice...I ate. I actually tried to really savor the chocolate to see if that was enough to satisfy the ever growing urge... but can you really savor licorice?
Then drove to get Daniel but, again, had about 30 minutes until he was done with pre-school. It was close to lunch time and, disguising my binge as lunch, I stopped to get a cheeseburger and some mozzarella sticks...I ate and became physically full...still not satisfied...I am seeing it, the mistake, the weakness, the switch of control and restraint being turned off in order to indulge without conviction...I am very sad (tears). I am sad that I keep vacillating in my choice of who to serve...
Once at home with Daniel down for a nap I can regain control and look at what happened. I knew this was a tough day from the very beginning. I should have kept myself busy and not go into places like stores with candy counters. I probably should have come home and cleaned or worked on my taxes..etc..
Regardless of the tips I should have followed, it was a series of choices today and I made the wrong one. I took my eyes off of my strength for just long enough to indulge my desire to fill myself with food instead of remaining empty and turning to Jesus for my filling. I mentioned it being like a switch that I turn off to indulge and then turn back on. Is it back on? I think its back on. I could have kept eating, especially now that I am alone.
Why do I turn it off? How can I prevent myself from turning it off. I need help! I crashed today but I am not completely totalled...The struggle continues.
Went to a brief meeting with the Psychologist required by the bariatric program. Then had about an hour I didn't expect to have. This extra "idle" time mixed together with the mood I was in ...bad combo. I called 2 people to get prayer. 1 was available and prayed. I went into a store looking for some Popsicle molds..came out with some chocolate and some licorice...I ate. I actually tried to really savor the chocolate to see if that was enough to satisfy the ever growing urge... but can you really savor licorice?
Then drove to get Daniel but, again, had about 30 minutes until he was done with pre-school. It was close to lunch time and, disguising my binge as lunch, I stopped to get a cheeseburger and some mozzarella sticks...I ate and became physically full...still not satisfied...I am seeing it, the mistake, the weakness, the switch of control and restraint being turned off in order to indulge without conviction...I am very sad (tears). I am sad that I keep vacillating in my choice of who to serve...
Once at home with Daniel down for a nap I can regain control and look at what happened. I knew this was a tough day from the very beginning. I should have kept myself busy and not go into places like stores with candy counters. I probably should have come home and cleaned or worked on my taxes..etc..
Regardless of the tips I should have followed, it was a series of choices today and I made the wrong one. I took my eyes off of my strength for just long enough to indulge my desire to fill myself with food instead of remaining empty and turning to Jesus for my filling. I mentioned it being like a switch that I turn off to indulge and then turn back on. Is it back on? I think its back on. I could have kept eating, especially now that I am alone.
Why do I turn it off? How can I prevent myself from turning it off. I need help! I crashed today but I am not completely totalled...The struggle continues.
I am struggling today
Today is hard. I am feeling a bit ravenous. I just ate a large snack and this is after a solid breakfast.
This is not physical hunger...this isnt fuel for the body...Please pray all you who are reading today. I am feeling a bit weak and tired. This sickness in my household just will not go away and my weariness is zapping my strength to turn away.
Please pray that the triggers today will be small and easily denied. I am heading out and there are always triggers strategically placed wherever I go.
I need to be energized...I need a hedge of protection/
This is not physical hunger...this isnt fuel for the body...Please pray all you who are reading today. I am feeling a bit weak and tired. This sickness in my household just will not go away and my weariness is zapping my strength to turn away.
Please pray that the triggers today will be small and easily denied. I am heading out and there are always triggers strategically placed wherever I go.
I need to be energized...I need a hedge of protection/
The Donut Dilemma - Day 11
Ok, yesterday as I walked into work, I heard a training session going on and was immediately annoyed. I am often forgotten about because I am not there everyday. I walked past the training and looked in...there they were in all their glory....a box of dunkin donuts. Nothing strikes fear in my heart like a fresh box of donuts. I heard their little voices...yay, Amy is here...come hither!!
I thought to myself, no way am I going in there. How providential to be "forgotten" on this particular morning. So I went to my desk and actually forgot about the donuts until a few hours later when I walked into the kitchen and dun, dun, dunnnnn....there was the box of now leftover donuts sitting on the breakroom table. Their leftover status did nothing to deter the urge to move toward the box. Why is the pull so strong? This kind of food just calls out to me and commands my attention. I knew I needed a strategy to work against the beckoning. I quickly left the kitchen. I can not convey to anyone else, how deep this struggle goes and how hard it is to not partake of this forbidden fruit. Donuts, pastries, cookies...basically anything frosted are intense trigger foods for me. They are like a drug...I guess its the sugar and white flour...I believe that there is an addiction here. It is as if a drug addict walked in to their breakroom and saw a big pile of cocaine sitting on the table with no one around.
The thoughts come quick and strong. You can eat one Amy, its just one little donut...how about half, half wont matter (which always leads to the other half and then some)...eat it quickly, no one will see you....just take a peek in the box...just a look (Now this one kills me, just looking in the box causes a great stir and desire to eat what I see...I would have to be completely insane to open the box and look)...finally by the end of the day, the beckoning was wearing me down...I did open the box and look...I closed it quickly as if I had just seen something obscene and left the room.
Whew, I made it....just barely. Again, I am allowing the new nature of control and restraint to overpower the old, self-indulgent nature. Another victory...it was a hard fought battle, again. When will this get easier? I need to not concern myself with that...only the battle at hand.
This morning as I went to make Daniel's breakfast...the desire to grab something quick won out and I ate a piece of buttered toast and then a bowl of cereal that was probably at least a serving and 1/2. I stopped and am now regrouping and putting the armor on. This is a minute to minute battle, exhausting!
I amnot as energized this morning. I need some extra food for the soul. I read 1Timothy 6:3 - 10 about false teachers and true contentment. "If we have food and clothing, we should be content. Anyone who desires riches will fall into temptation...". Its like the donuts were riches. I desire it all, the whole experience of good tasting, rich foods and how they make me feel for the moment but always leave me wanting more. The food that I eat out of hunger..the food that is healthy and the right portion size to give me strength and fuel...this is what I need to be content with. The food that I eat for sheer pleasure or the excess I eat in order to feel a sense of fullness is a snare that will lead to ruin and destruction....I need to look at every morsel of food and make this determination. It does seem excessive but I truly believe that it is the path I need to take to get to freedom. Will I have to eat this way forever...cant think about that...I need to only focus on the food decision of the moment and take it one step at a time.
I thought to myself, no way am I going in there. How providential to be "forgotten" on this particular morning. So I went to my desk and actually forgot about the donuts until a few hours later when I walked into the kitchen and dun, dun, dunnnnn....there was the box of now leftover donuts sitting on the breakroom table. Their leftover status did nothing to deter the urge to move toward the box. Why is the pull so strong? This kind of food just calls out to me and commands my attention. I knew I needed a strategy to work against the beckoning. I quickly left the kitchen. I can not convey to anyone else, how deep this struggle goes and how hard it is to not partake of this forbidden fruit. Donuts, pastries, cookies...basically anything frosted are intense trigger foods for me. They are like a drug...I guess its the sugar and white flour...I believe that there is an addiction here. It is as if a drug addict walked in to their breakroom and saw a big pile of cocaine sitting on the table with no one around.
The thoughts come quick and strong. You can eat one Amy, its just one little donut...how about half, half wont matter (which always leads to the other half and then some)...eat it quickly, no one will see you....just take a peek in the box...just a look (Now this one kills me, just looking in the box causes a great stir and desire to eat what I see...I would have to be completely insane to open the box and look)...finally by the end of the day, the beckoning was wearing me down...I did open the box and look...I closed it quickly as if I had just seen something obscene and left the room.
Whew, I made it....just barely. Again, I am allowing the new nature of control and restraint to overpower the old, self-indulgent nature. Another victory...it was a hard fought battle, again. When will this get easier? I need to not concern myself with that...only the battle at hand.
This morning as I went to make Daniel's breakfast...the desire to grab something quick won out and I ate a piece of buttered toast and then a bowl of cereal that was probably at least a serving and 1/2. I stopped and am now regrouping and putting the armor on. This is a minute to minute battle, exhausting!
I amnot as energized this morning. I need some extra food for the soul. I read 1Timothy 6:3 - 10 about false teachers and true contentment. "If we have food and clothing, we should be content. Anyone who desires riches will fall into temptation...". Its like the donuts were riches. I desire it all, the whole experience of good tasting, rich foods and how they make me feel for the moment but always leave me wanting more. The food that I eat out of hunger..the food that is healthy and the right portion size to give me strength and fuel...this is what I need to be content with. The food that I eat for sheer pleasure or the excess I eat in order to feel a sense of fullness is a snare that will lead to ruin and destruction....I need to look at every morsel of food and make this determination. It does seem excessive but I truly believe that it is the path I need to take to get to freedom. Will I have to eat this way forever...cant think about that...I need to only focus on the food decision of the moment and take it one step at a time.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Morning - Day 10
Wow, I cant believe 10 days of this journey have passed already. What is interesting to me is that, by now, in any diet of the moment, I have either given up or the routine has become dismal and I about to crash at any moment. I am not feeling that way at all through this journey. Being in exploration mode is energizing. Feel a level of motivation to keep searching like I never have before. I can't wait to see where God takes this with me.
I was speaking with someone about willpower yesterday and they talked about willpower being a muscle. God unleashed his power in my life but I still need to use my willpower to harness his. My willpower muscle was so weak, I didn't stand a chance. Through this exploration, somehow, my willpower is getting stronger. Winning this battle is not only possible, its probable. I always looked at being free from this struggle as the brass ring just out of reach. Of course I could reach it but what were the chances that I would. Its a definite change in perspective and only after 10 days.
Read Matthew 25:31 - 46, the final Judgement. This is where God says, inherit the kingdom you who gave me food and drink and welcomed me and gave me clothes and depart from me you who did none of those things. It occured to me that when I am in the throws of my self-focused eating, I do not want to share. I almost get annoyed when I am eating something and someone askes if they can have a bite. Even if I am not asked, I wouldn't think of offering part of it. I need to continue to loosen my choke hold on food. I need to give it up freely for freedom to come to me. There are so many times when Ken and I eat a meal and afterwards I think. we could have shared 1 meal instead of each eating our own. Sometimes, when I dish out a meal for Ken and I, the larger portion will be the one I take if it is something that I know I will really enjoy. I need to practice control and restraint again...I need to take the lesser portion and be satisfied with it.
Oh, so much to learn and change. I am stopping here to go pack my lunch!
I was speaking with someone about willpower yesterday and they talked about willpower being a muscle. God unleashed his power in my life but I still need to use my willpower to harness his. My willpower muscle was so weak, I didn't stand a chance. Through this exploration, somehow, my willpower is getting stronger. Winning this battle is not only possible, its probable. I always looked at being free from this struggle as the brass ring just out of reach. Of course I could reach it but what were the chances that I would. Its a definite change in perspective and only after 10 days.
Read Matthew 25:31 - 46, the final Judgement. This is where God says, inherit the kingdom you who gave me food and drink and welcomed me and gave me clothes and depart from me you who did none of those things. It occured to me that when I am in the throws of my self-focused eating, I do not want to share. I almost get annoyed when I am eating something and someone askes if they can have a bite. Even if I am not asked, I wouldn't think of offering part of it. I need to continue to loosen my choke hold on food. I need to give it up freely for freedom to come to me. There are so many times when Ken and I eat a meal and afterwards I think. we could have shared 1 meal instead of each eating our own. Sometimes, when I dish out a meal for Ken and I, the larger portion will be the one I take if it is something that I know I will really enjoy. I need to practice control and restraint again...I need to take the lesser portion and be satisfied with it.
Oh, so much to learn and change. I am stopping here to go pack my lunch!
Sweet Victory - Day 9
Its 10pm and I am finally sitting down to write today and this is not descriptive of how the day went. It was an incredible day and I am so energized I may not even sleep tonight! This morning started out fine. I knew I had a busy day planned and I prepared for the day..meaning I got Daniel's school bag ready and his diaper bag for after school including a sippy cup with juice and some ice to keep it cool in the car. I packed snacks - 3 kinds and then packed all the stuff I needed to meet with my client and go to 2 doctors appts. Now, with all this planning...you would think is I could throw in a healthy snack or 2 for myself. This, focusing on myself and planning for my own lunches will take some work.
So, off to meet my day. I dropped Daniel off and went to Nova Care to have my physical assessment done as required by the bariatric doc. Turns out that they cant just take my word for it that I exercise at home. By their standards I am pretty healthy for my weight and age and have great potential for movement and exercise. Yay!
Then I went back to get Daniel and on the way, stopped to get lunch at Burger King. Nuggets for him...chicken sandwich for me. Now, a Burger King original chicken sandwich is one of my favorite things to eat when I feel compelled to eat fast food. So, we are in the car, driving to my client's home and I open my sandwich. Usually, when I eat fast food in the car, it becomes pretty mindless and I eat all I get and then strongly crave more. Well, the most remarkable thing happened....I stopped eating the sandwich before I finished it. I realized I was full and I took the last quarter of the sandwich back in the bag along with the remaining fries.
This is huge! It may seem like a ridiculous little thing and not a major victory but to me...it is everything. I have not done this, stop eating without finishing something that I enjoy eating. I have to say, I was moved to tears. I knew I was full and I had a choice. I easily could have just finished the sandwich, it was only a few bites. I felt no desire to finish it. There was no need. I wasn't hungry.
I feel like my old nature is in battle with my new nature. This battle has been begging to be fought over the years but I did not engage. I always gave in and admitted defeat before even getting in the first punch". I am all of a sudden unwilling to "give in" to the temptation so easily. Where does this new power come from. Is it from you God? It's not really about leaving 2 bites on my plate, is it? I think it is really about change and harnessing power that has been at my fingertips all along. The compulsion to finish a sandwich or a candy bar or whatever I chose to eat was so strong. Its not so strong anymore...there is a glimpse of healing here...a slight break in these chains that have bound me.
Do I dare rejoice in this small victory. Do I think that this is the end and I will never overeat again? No, I need to stay vigilant...something is really happening here and I want more.
Here I sit at 11pm, alone in my Livingroom with a pantry full of food and no one to observe...I couldn't want to eat less right now...Look what God can do!
So, off to meet my day. I dropped Daniel off and went to Nova Care to have my physical assessment done as required by the bariatric doc. Turns out that they cant just take my word for it that I exercise at home. By their standards I am pretty healthy for my weight and age and have great potential for movement and exercise. Yay!
Then I went back to get Daniel and on the way, stopped to get lunch at Burger King. Nuggets for him...chicken sandwich for me. Now, a Burger King original chicken sandwich is one of my favorite things to eat when I feel compelled to eat fast food. So, we are in the car, driving to my client's home and I open my sandwich. Usually, when I eat fast food in the car, it becomes pretty mindless and I eat all I get and then strongly crave more. Well, the most remarkable thing happened....I stopped eating the sandwich before I finished it. I realized I was full and I took the last quarter of the sandwich back in the bag along with the remaining fries.
This is huge! It may seem like a ridiculous little thing and not a major victory but to me...it is everything. I have not done this, stop eating without finishing something that I enjoy eating. I have to say, I was moved to tears. I knew I was full and I had a choice. I easily could have just finished the sandwich, it was only a few bites. I felt no desire to finish it. There was no need. I wasn't hungry.
I feel like my old nature is in battle with my new nature. This battle has been begging to be fought over the years but I did not engage. I always gave in and admitted defeat before even getting in the first punch". I am all of a sudden unwilling to "give in" to the temptation so easily. Where does this new power come from. Is it from you God? It's not really about leaving 2 bites on my plate, is it? I think it is really about change and harnessing power that has been at my fingertips all along. The compulsion to finish a sandwich or a candy bar or whatever I chose to eat was so strong. Its not so strong anymore...there is a glimpse of healing here...a slight break in these chains that have bound me.
Do I dare rejoice in this small victory. Do I think that this is the end and I will never overeat again? No, I need to stay vigilant...something is really happening here and I want more.
Here I sit at 11pm, alone in my Livingroom with a pantry full of food and no one to observe...I couldn't want to eat less right now...Look what God can do!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wrestling on the mat
I took a lunch today!!! Its late but I took it! I sat down and had hummus and pita with a granola bar and an iced green tea. read over some of my previous posts and it occurred to me that I am westling...I actually chose to go onto the matt with food and I am in the midst of the wrestle. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be pinned at any second and other times I feel like I am about to get the shoulders of this struggle down on the mat.
I have spent years not wanting to even approach the mat. I was afraid I would lose and by giving into that fear, lost anyway. What is it that is bringing me onto the mat and face my fears at this point in life. Is it my ever declining health or the fear of surgery? Or, is it just time,God? I hope its just time. I have been a christian for years but within the last few, have really decided to trust God with my whole life...through singlehood,through remarrying, through the adoption process, through a major job and income shift...he has met me everytime in a deeper way than I could have even asked for. I believe that you are who you say you ae and you are meeting me here. It's not just me on the mat. My opponent pales in comparison to what I have in you. I can eat a meal and leave food on my plate...I can walk away from the pantry. I can pass right by the donuts at work on Saturday morning. I can drive by every fast food trigger I pass on my way home at 4pm....I can be empty...and even hungry and still choose you.
I have spent years not wanting to even approach the mat. I was afraid I would lose and by giving into that fear, lost anyway. What is it that is bringing me onto the mat and face my fears at this point in life. Is it my ever declining health or the fear of surgery? Or, is it just time,God? I hope its just time. I have been a christian for years but within the last few, have really decided to trust God with my whole life...through singlehood,through remarrying, through the adoption process, through a major job and income shift...he has met me everytime in a deeper way than I could have even asked for. I believe that you are who you say you ae and you are meeting me here. It's not just me on the mat. My opponent pales in comparison to what I have in you. I can eat a meal and leave food on my plate...I can walk away from the pantry. I can pass right by the donuts at work on Saturday morning. I can drive by every fast food trigger I pass on my way home at 4pm....I can be empty...and even hungry and still choose you.
Still Chewing on Day 8
Last night I realized I had to do a floorplan for a client at around 7pm. Usually this would strike fear in my heart because I wasn't prepared for the client but I just went about my business if the night. I washed dishes, finalized some other work, played with Daniel, gave him a bath, put him to bed and then went downstairs at 9pm to start the floorplan. I was tempted to get something to eat but realized where the temptation was coming from. I wasn't hungry...just not full. I have to change the way I think about the "not full" feeling. I have been afraid of it. I have let it control me and let it be the excuse to over-indulge and satisfy my desire for the taste and experience of food and the feeling of fullness. I could here the voices starting..just one little piece of chocolate..it won't hurt...it won't matter...I was tempted. I stood in front of the pantry door and opened it...mmm, looked over it all...then closed it and walked away. Whew! Why did I even look? Why did I, yet again, dip my toes into the pool of temptation...but I walked. I went to bed "not full".
As I was in church yesterday, singing...I realized that the extra food I put in my body kept me from filling up with other things. Its not so much the actual food that is the whole issue...its more the downward spiral that the decision to overeat causes me. The guilt, the disappointment in myself, the self-loathing, the despair...all these things speak so loudly, I can't hear God speaking to me. I can't hear the great stuff he has ready to fill me with, to satisfy my hunger with. To calm to raging beast within. I have missed out on so many blessings because of my choices.
All the stuff I have been writing for the first 7 days is swimming around in my head. I think I will read back and just review. There is so much good stuff here. Tools and armor. Please, prayer circle, please pray that I would use the insight that I am getting. Please pray that the acceptance of what I have done to myself stays real and that the distraction of my life does not cause me to put this struggle on the back burner again. Please pray that I would keep laying it all out on the table so it is released from the pit... so that I can forgive myself.
A week has past and this is usually the time that my intensity falters and the excuses start. The deprivation becomes too hard to overcome. Wait a minute. I am not really feeling much deprivation...this is new! The idol is weakening...I can see little crumbles here and there, little cracks in the foundation...can't wait to see what is going in its place!
Still chewing on all that I have read so far. Please suggest any readings if you have any that apply. I am hungry to learn more..there is so much strength in it.
As I was in church yesterday, singing...I realized that the extra food I put in my body kept me from filling up with other things. Its not so much the actual food that is the whole issue...its more the downward spiral that the decision to overeat causes me. The guilt, the disappointment in myself, the self-loathing, the despair...all these things speak so loudly, I can't hear God speaking to me. I can't hear the great stuff he has ready to fill me with, to satisfy my hunger with. To calm to raging beast within. I have missed out on so many blessings because of my choices.
All the stuff I have been writing for the first 7 days is swimming around in my head. I think I will read back and just review. There is so much good stuff here. Tools and armor. Please, prayer circle, please pray that I would use the insight that I am getting. Please pray that the acceptance of what I have done to myself stays real and that the distraction of my life does not cause me to put this struggle on the back burner again. Please pray that I would keep laying it all out on the table so it is released from the pit... so that I can forgive myself.
A week has past and this is usually the time that my intensity falters and the excuses start. The deprivation becomes too hard to overcome. Wait a minute. I am not really feeling much deprivation...this is new! The idol is weakening...I can see little crumbles here and there, little cracks in the foundation...can't wait to see what is going in its place!
Still chewing on all that I have read so far. Please suggest any readings if you have any that apply. I am hungry to learn more..there is so much strength in it.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Morning - Day 7
I have to come up with more interesting names for these entries! It is so gorgeous today. I am hoping we can all go for a walk together, outside! I have not really addressed movement and exercise yet..I think I will keep the focus on food for now.
Read Matthew 6:25...this is the "DO not worry" passage. The bible says "Isn't life more
important than food?...is it? I mean, is it to me? Obviously, food has been the most important thing to me because I have sacrifice aesthetics, societal opinion and most importantly, health for the taste and feeling of fullness and the brief satisfaction/pleasure this gives me. Thats why I have always taken more and more. Maybe this blog is taking me through the grieving process. I am losing my old self and finally going to embrace the new. I feel like I am finally moving on to acceptance...I am just dipping my toe into acceptance at this point but, I do see that, for the first time maybe in my entire life as a food addict, I am ready to accept who I am, what I do, how I sacrifice for food. The big sign of this? Letting people see the real me..by letting others that I trust read in black and white about my sinful nature.
God, this passage in Matthew shows how you provide for our needs, that we do not need to worry about them...again, this theme! God, please help me with this need to change. To not take control and restraint off the table as soon as the first distraction hits. Help me make this a priority as I outlined in other posts. Help me with the need to not give in to the sinful hunger pangs and eat to fuel my body. Help me break the choke hold that the desire for taste and the desire to stuff myself full of food has over me. Help me to remember to switch to the bread of life for fullness.
Ate a good portion controlled breakfast. Not as hungry today...hmmm! Going to church for some praise and testimony.
Read Matthew 6:25...this is the "DO not worry" passage. The bible says "Isn't life more
important than food?...is it? I mean, is it to me? Obviously, food has been the most important thing to me because I have sacrifice aesthetics, societal opinion and most importantly, health for the taste and feeling of fullness and the brief satisfaction/pleasure this gives me. Thats why I have always taken more and more. Maybe this blog is taking me through the grieving process. I am losing my old self and finally going to embrace the new. I feel like I am finally moving on to acceptance...I am just dipping my toe into acceptance at this point but, I do see that, for the first time maybe in my entire life as a food addict, I am ready to accept who I am, what I do, how I sacrifice for food. The big sign of this? Letting people see the real me..by letting others that I trust read in black and white about my sinful nature.
God, this passage in Matthew shows how you provide for our needs, that we do not need to worry about them...again, this theme! God, please help me with this need to change. To not take control and restraint off the table as soon as the first distraction hits. Help me make this a priority as I outlined in other posts. Help me with the need to not give in to the sinful hunger pangs and eat to fuel my body. Help me break the choke hold that the desire for taste and the desire to stuff myself full of food has over me. Help me to remember to switch to the bread of life for fullness.
Ate a good portion controlled breakfast. Not as hungry today...hmmm! Going to church for some praise and testimony.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Lunch with the family
Sometimes I struggle to actually write the truth in this journal. I often want to disguise or sugar coat it knowing others are reading, wondering what they are thinking of me, a sinner, a pleasure seeker, someone with no power to accomplish these tasks on her own.
But then I write the truth and leave it out there for my prayer circle to read..and I hope pray me through it.
We were out shopping today together and stopped at Friendly's to have lunch. I overate...big shocker there! I was irritated and distracted because of our plans later and how to work out babysitting. I chose to take control and restraint off the table...sigh
But then I write the truth and leave it out there for my prayer circle to read..and I hope pray me through it.
We were out shopping today together and stopped at Friendly's to have lunch. I overate...big shocker there! I was irritated and distracted because of our plans later and how to work out babysitting. I chose to take control and restraint off the table...sigh
The Manna Principle - Morning Day 6
Whew, yesterday was busy. Its days like yesterday that make it easy to discard the plan...to abandon this work God and I are going together to change these behaviors. I had back to back clients starting early in the morning til 5pm. I allowed myself no time for a decent breakfast and time to focus in the morning..no time to take a break mid day for a decent lunch and some more focus time. By the time I was done at 5pm, I was over hungry and light-headed as I headed off to a family birthday Dinner of Pizza and salad. this didn't stop me from stopping to get something on the way because I felt like I was going to pass out...then eat Pizza and Salad...and a piece of birthday cake with a little bit of ice-cream. I was able to fight the urge to eat that second piece of Pizza and keep the piece if cake a decent size without seconds but the desire was strong to eat more. I kept thinking about having to stop off and "fill-up" on the way...would I have passed out? Why did I not plan better? Why do I not even make planning my food a priority. All I ate throughout the day was a granola bar and a slim-fast shake. I grabbed these this morning as I was running out the door.
I think God is telling me that I just need to make time for lunch. I believe that I should schedule a break mid day even if that means seeing one less client during the day. I need to go into the kitchen and get away from my desk. I need to sit down and eat, just do nothing but eat. I realize now that I most often eat as a second activity. The meal is in addition to whatever activity I am doing at the time, watching TV, working on the computer etc.. for me to really savor the food and eat slowly and control my potion size, I actually need to focus on the food that I am eating. I shake my head in disbelief as I am writing these words. This is dieting 101 stuff but I am finally hearing and embracing these basic concepts. Why? What took so long? Why is this all so hard for me. I feel like this is all embarrassingly stupid at times and that I am making too big a deal of this process. ..putting me first, the feelings of embarrassment, the running, the lack of planning...all reasons to stop, right? Maybe before but I am going to take a step of faith and keep going, pushing past all these feelings and obstacles. I am going to work to slow down, to not care about the embarrassment, to make time for meals as I described above and to maybe plan a little bit more each day..please pray for all of these things...they are all familiar but new territory... for me. I have no past successes here to fall back on. I feel completely unable to do these things...God please hear me. I know when you hear you will act, lovingly on my behalf..you only require trust.
So, the Manna Principle from "Running Scared" by Ed Welch...do I sound scared? Its a teaching on God's faithfulness. How he hears our groaning and rescues us. I love what he wrote about "when God hears he acts". These people really felt like they were starving and as their food supplies dwindled, they did not know where there next meal was coming from. God heard and he acted by providing meat at night and then bead in the morning. Just enough, exactly when they needed it. I provided for myself when I stopped yesterday to feed myself even knowing that in 30 minutes I would be able to eat my fill of Pizza, salad, cake and ice cream with family. No, I chose to stop off and feed all by myself, in secret except for the guy at the take out window.
As I read further, I read about the concept "only enough for today". These people were instructed to only take what they needed for this meal and no more. Well, of course some of them tried to hoard and what they hoarded was rotten in the morning. This is a clear picture of the uselessness of the extra food that I put in my body. All I really need is my portion..the rest is rotten and a detriment to my body.
God is stripping me of these old habits, behaviors and thoughts and the process is hard and painful. What is on the other side of this stripping process is Manna from Heaven...I want that!
This morning I consciously ate my portion and did not eat more.
I think God is telling me that I just need to make time for lunch. I believe that I should schedule a break mid day even if that means seeing one less client during the day. I need to go into the kitchen and get away from my desk. I need to sit down and eat, just do nothing but eat. I realize now that I most often eat as a second activity. The meal is in addition to whatever activity I am doing at the time, watching TV, working on the computer etc.. for me to really savor the food and eat slowly and control my potion size, I actually need to focus on the food that I am eating. I shake my head in disbelief as I am writing these words. This is dieting 101 stuff but I am finally hearing and embracing these basic concepts. Why? What took so long? Why is this all so hard for me. I feel like this is all embarrassingly stupid at times and that I am making too big a deal of this process. ..putting me first, the feelings of embarrassment, the running, the lack of planning...all reasons to stop, right? Maybe before but I am going to take a step of faith and keep going, pushing past all these feelings and obstacles. I am going to work to slow down, to not care about the embarrassment, to make time for meals as I described above and to maybe plan a little bit more each day..please pray for all of these things...they are all familiar but new territory... for me. I have no past successes here to fall back on. I feel completely unable to do these things...God please hear me. I know when you hear you will act, lovingly on my behalf..you only require trust.
So, the Manna Principle from "Running Scared" by Ed Welch...do I sound scared? Its a teaching on God's faithfulness. How he hears our groaning and rescues us. I love what he wrote about "when God hears he acts". These people really felt like they were starving and as their food supplies dwindled, they did not know where there next meal was coming from. God heard and he acted by providing meat at night and then bead in the morning. Just enough, exactly when they needed it. I provided for myself when I stopped yesterday to feed myself even knowing that in 30 minutes I would be able to eat my fill of Pizza, salad, cake and ice cream with family. No, I chose to stop off and feed all by myself, in secret except for the guy at the take out window.
As I read further, I read about the concept "only enough for today". These people were instructed to only take what they needed for this meal and no more. Well, of course some of them tried to hoard and what they hoarded was rotten in the morning. This is a clear picture of the uselessness of the extra food that I put in my body. All I really need is my portion..the rest is rotten and a detriment to my body.
God is stripping me of these old habits, behaviors and thoughts and the process is hard and painful. What is on the other side of this stripping process is Manna from Heaven...I want that!
This morning I consciously ate my portion and did not eat more.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Day 5, a Busy morning
I learned my lesson yesterday. I felt lost and out of control with my eating all day. I am running late today and actually, by sitting down this morning, may be late for wok today but In the spirit of change...I need to start putting this first. I need this study and reflection. This is revealing itself to be a great tool to keep me focused...go figure! Why is it so hard for me to accept concepts like this and adopt them into my daily schedule...kind of like dieting. Is it because I know myself and I probably will not keep up with it so I just give it up do I do not need to deal with the disappointment of not being disciplined enough? A self fulfilling prophecy!
So, food is my idol...this is clear. Is this a new concept to me? Not really, I have heard it before and have been telling myself this for years but, now...I am ready to hear it...I think I am ready to own it and realize the consequences of this...of seeing the consequences of a life-long love of food that far surpasses the love of anything else, including Jesus.
I have been trying to do a study of what the bible says about food. I started in the concordance and am going through daily (hopefully). I happened to pick up Ed Welch's book, running scared. Ken has various books laying around the house like this...he is an avid reader and juggles lots of books at once. I have had the "purpose driven life" sitting on my nightstand, unopened, for months. So anyway, I picked this up and opened it to the chapter on the Manna Principle. As I read, I was amazed with the realization that God is with me and leading me to jewels of wisdom in this fight I am in...there is little I have to do but be willing..more later on this study...
Please pay for a continued sense of awareness of my idolatry and help to fight against it.
Tip: I absolutely have to pack something quick for lunch. If I don't, I do not stand a chance against the dish of free pastries that have passed their expiration date that sits in the kitchen at work. Nothing says "eat me" like processed sugar and white flour sitting in a dish, just waiting for me to come by!
So, food is my idol...this is clear. Is this a new concept to me? Not really, I have heard it before and have been telling myself this for years but, now...I am ready to hear it...I think I am ready to own it and realize the consequences of this...of seeing the consequences of a life-long love of food that far surpasses the love of anything else, including Jesus.
I have been trying to do a study of what the bible says about food. I started in the concordance and am going through daily (hopefully). I happened to pick up Ed Welch's book, running scared. Ken has various books laying around the house like this...he is an avid reader and juggles lots of books at once. I have had the "purpose driven life" sitting on my nightstand, unopened, for months. So anyway, I picked this up and opened it to the chapter on the Manna Principle. As I read, I was amazed with the realization that God is with me and leading me to jewels of wisdom in this fight I am in...there is little I have to do but be willing..more later on this study...
Please pay for a continued sense of awareness of my idolatry and help to fight against it.
Tip: I absolutely have to pack something quick for lunch. If I don't, I do not stand a chance against the dish of free pastries that have passed their expiration date that sits in the kitchen at work. Nothing says "eat me" like processed sugar and white flour sitting in a dish, just waiting for me to come by!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Mid Day Snack - Day Three & Morning Day 4
I actually started writing this post yesterday, mid-day but got busy at work and then came home to a sick child. It kills me when Daniel has a fever and it all shaky and lethargic...poor guy. At least he slept well and today seems to be feeling better. Daniel is always asking for snacks. He will snack all day, continuously if I let him. I cringe when he asks for a second, third and fourth snack..I guess because I have to make the decision whether or not he should eat more...something I cant do well in myself. When I let him have a second, third or fourth snack, I feel out of control and unprepared. I don't really know how much he should be eating. He is not overweight and is very active. He does have a belly but is it a belly because of overeating or just a baby belly!! Oh, so much obsession to work through..God, please do not let me cause eating disorders in my child...is this inevitable?
I didn't have my quiet time to read a verse or 2, pray and blog this morning. I did feel less control than yesterday. I am establishing some new patterns here, some new habits. I am starting the journey to switch over to food for the mind, heart and soul and less food for the body. Its not going to happen in 4 days. I just need to take it day by day...I need help with that! I am a "projector" by nature and wonder how long I will be able to keep this up? What will happen in 40 days? And then the what ifs??? I seem to walk around on the edge of the negative wading pool and I often dip my toe in to test the water. The problem is that a few feet in, the water grows cold, the bottom drops out and you are sucked under. I just have to stop testing the water...when will I learn this There is no benefit to wading into that pool even a little bit?
I grazed a bit this morning ...mindless eating as I was focusing on Daniel...this is often a problem for me. Its 11:46am and I am just getting my spiritual food for the day...my armor...its like running out the door on a winter's day like today without your coat. You are going to get cold really fast, nothing to keep you warm and thriving.
Here is what I read yesterday - Mid day, I am still chewing on it today...
The thought occurred to me that, as I have time during the day, I can actually open the bible and read...no one will stop me. I easily fall into the mindset of morning or evening quiet time with bible in hand only...(Sporadic as it is)..and then see what the day brings, often falling prey to whatever demon wants to toy with me that day. The thought rarely occurs to me to bring it along and pull it out and re-apply the armor so to speak. I am usually all about tools, so today I went online and read through the first part of Daniel where he and some other young promising men were chosen to be taught about the babylonian language and lifestyle and then trained to be new leaders. Daniel was presented with the opportunity to eat from the kings table, meats and fine wine etc... I noticed that the passage said that they were given a portion. They were allotted an appropriate amount of food from this lavish table. They were not allowed to eat whatever they wanted and whatever portion sizes they wanted. Portion size was important even in this case..hmmm
So then, Daniel refused the lavish diet because he saw it as sinful indulgence and asked for vegetables and water for 10 days. After the 10 day period, they were just as healthy as those that indulged in the kings food. They were quick to learn, sharp in there thinking and they excelled. They avoided the excess and were better for it. I am not going to be eating a diet of vegetables and water...it's just not going to happen but it is clear here that avoiding excess was important to helping them reach their potential. Temperance is what I need to learn...avoiding excess would be very good for me. Its hard to let go of the excess when I have clung to it for so long...it has been my security blanket, my friend, it has brought me pleasure and kept me company. I have lifted excess and oput it on a pedestal..giving it power in my life...almost human status...all to my detriment. I know I am going to have to let go...have I started to let go? I don't know yet. I am going to have to mourn excess food...I know this but am I ready to do it...God, please help me do it and suffer though it and be free from the desire to eat to excess at every opportunity.
It's lunch time now...to my prayer circle...please pray for a root change here!
I didn't have my quiet time to read a verse or 2, pray and blog this morning. I did feel less control than yesterday. I am establishing some new patterns here, some new habits. I am starting the journey to switch over to food for the mind, heart and soul and less food for the body. Its not going to happen in 4 days. I just need to take it day by day...I need help with that! I am a "projector" by nature and wonder how long I will be able to keep this up? What will happen in 40 days? And then the what ifs??? I seem to walk around on the edge of the negative wading pool and I often dip my toe in to test the water. The problem is that a few feet in, the water grows cold, the bottom drops out and you are sucked under. I just have to stop testing the water...when will I learn this There is no benefit to wading into that pool even a little bit?
I grazed a bit this morning ...mindless eating as I was focusing on Daniel...this is often a problem for me. Its 11:46am and I am just getting my spiritual food for the day...my armor...its like running out the door on a winter's day like today without your coat. You are going to get cold really fast, nothing to keep you warm and thriving.
Here is what I read yesterday - Mid day, I am still chewing on it today...
The thought occurred to me that, as I have time during the day, I can actually open the bible and read...no one will stop me. I easily fall into the mindset of morning or evening quiet time with bible in hand only...(Sporadic as it is)..and then see what the day brings, often falling prey to whatever demon wants to toy with me that day. The thought rarely occurs to me to bring it along and pull it out and re-apply the armor so to speak. I am usually all about tools, so today I went online and read through the first part of Daniel where he and some other young promising men were chosen to be taught about the babylonian language and lifestyle and then trained to be new leaders. Daniel was presented with the opportunity to eat from the kings table, meats and fine wine etc... I noticed that the passage said that they were given a portion. They were allotted an appropriate amount of food from this lavish table. They were not allowed to eat whatever they wanted and whatever portion sizes they wanted. Portion size was important even in this case..hmmm
So then, Daniel refused the lavish diet because he saw it as sinful indulgence and asked for vegetables and water for 10 days. After the 10 day period, they were just as healthy as those that indulged in the kings food. They were quick to learn, sharp in there thinking and they excelled. They avoided the excess and were better for it. I am not going to be eating a diet of vegetables and water...it's just not going to happen but it is clear here that avoiding excess was important to helping them reach their potential. Temperance is what I need to learn...avoiding excess would be very good for me. Its hard to let go of the excess when I have clung to it for so long...it has been my security blanket, my friend, it has brought me pleasure and kept me company. I have lifted excess and oput it on a pedestal..giving it power in my life...almost human status...all to my detriment. I know I am going to have to let go...have I started to let go? I don't know yet. I am going to have to mourn excess food...I know this but am I ready to do it...God, please help me do it and suffer though it and be free from the desire to eat to excess at every opportunity.
It's lunch time now...to my prayer circle...please pray for a root change here!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Day three - morning inspiration
I quickly read through the latest post on "Dan and Nancy's Journey" this morning and read about the "seed planting" that he did 6 years ago with a family who came to one of his Mission talks. They just recently called because they had signed up for his newsletter and had been inspired to come to see if Harvest was a good fit and see how they could be used on the mission field.
I started thinking about the seed planting that has probably been happening over the years and I didnt know it. I have been so irritated that God has not said, "ok, lets deal with this thing...let me free you from this horrible struggle...you have been in prison long enough etc.." My yearnings and prayers to be free from this struggle over the years have bordered on whiney requests to full blown hysterical demands...very little trust and perserverance and growth as I have vascillated between making feeble attempts to love myself just as I am and take the focus off food to jumping on the latest diet bandwagon only to be devistated when it doesn't stick.
I have learned things over the years (Seeds)...I have a very good understanding of what a healthy diet looks like and painfully aware when I eat poorly or eat way beyond what is "healthy.
Maybe now is the time for the seeds in the gound to finally be watered and grow. I picture a beanstalk with all the different tricks and concepts I have learned in place of the leaves...all the wisdom coming out of the stalk like branches, attached to me(the beanstalk) forever, as long as the stalk is watered, it will remain vibrant and healthy.
Oh, God, please don't take 6 more years...I am begging you!! Oh, wait, I am whining and pleading again...old habits die hard. Ok, I am in it for the long haul...and (I am trembling while writing)...as long as it takes!!
I ate a bowl of cereal for beakfast and wanted more. I chose to eat one piece of raison toast with butter. I couldn't taste it...why, why, why?
I started thinking about the seed planting that has probably been happening over the years and I didnt know it. I have been so irritated that God has not said, "ok, lets deal with this thing...let me free you from this horrible struggle...you have been in prison long enough etc.." My yearnings and prayers to be free from this struggle over the years have bordered on whiney requests to full blown hysterical demands...very little trust and perserverance and growth as I have vascillated between making feeble attempts to love myself just as I am and take the focus off food to jumping on the latest diet bandwagon only to be devistated when it doesn't stick.
I have learned things over the years (Seeds)...I have a very good understanding of what a healthy diet looks like and painfully aware when I eat poorly or eat way beyond what is "healthy.
Maybe now is the time for the seeds in the gound to finally be watered and grow. I picture a beanstalk with all the different tricks and concepts I have learned in place of the leaves...all the wisdom coming out of the stalk like branches, attached to me(the beanstalk) forever, as long as the stalk is watered, it will remain vibrant and healthy.
Oh, God, please don't take 6 more years...I am begging you!! Oh, wait, I am whining and pleading again...old habits die hard. Ok, I am in it for the long haul...and (I am trembling while writing)...as long as it takes!!
I ate a bowl of cereal for beakfast and wanted more. I chose to eat one piece of raison toast with butter. I couldn't taste it...why, why, why?
Day Two
I have had a cold since before Christmas. The cold subsided for awhile and left an annoying cough for a week or two, the cold came back for a few days and has been switching off between my sinuses and my chest...viral bronchitis my doctor calls it and it can not be treated with antibiotics..just an albuteral inhaler which seems to do nothing for me. My sinuses have been blocked up on and off for a week or 2 now. Its starting to subside but the reason I am recording this is because I have not been able to taste food well for the duration of my blocked sinus condition. Would you believe that the first few days, when I couldn't taste food at all, I was still compelled to overeat. I had all the cravings and intense desire for things I couldn't even taste. It went way past hunger and on to filling the void. It was remarkable to me as I absolutely got a clear picture of the addictive forces at work, that I was completely out of touch with bodily hunger and why we need food in the first place. I would put food in my mouth and feel the texture of it which did produce some satisfaction but there was no taste to savor. Wow, how powerless am I??? Even during the times when I am not getting the experience out of the food, I am still compelled to eat it and eat it in an unbalanced way. I could have chosen liver and onions for breakfast instead of a cheese omelet and not noticed the difference but I still ate what I was used to craving, carbs...is this insanity or what?
I have to say though..as the days go on with blocked sinuses, I am getting used to it and I am able to curb the cravings somewhat. I go to eat a meal or a snack and I remember that I can't taste so I end up taking less. Its an interesting way to diet!!
I do find myself, when my sinuses open up thinking, "Yea, now my taste is back" and I look forward to things I can it. How do I stop this obsession with food? In the words of every 12-step program..I acknowledge that I am powerless over this struggle. It has to be you, Lord who helps me change the thought process and the behavior.
At dinner this evening, I made some black bean tacos with feta cheese and a Cole slaw tossed in lime juice..its one of our favorites and very healthy. I ate one and gave the other to Ken. I was able to curb the ravenous beast because of the NO-taste thing. Later that evening, as we were watching TV...I was really wanting to snack. I had a small snack but wanted more. I turned to Ken and told him how I was feeling. I talked about things I wanted at that moment but as if verbalizing it was enough, I didn't take anything. The usual routine is that Ken goes off to bed earlier than me and I stay up and watch a little more TV...and eat. I went to bed with Ken and told him why I was going up with him. This confession was totally out of character for me and so is this confession, in this blog. If I verbalize these struggle more, will it lessen the intensity of this beast...Am I seeing signs of this.
The closet eating has been a problem since childhood. I used to come home from school and take food up to my room to eat where no one could see me...this nighttime eating is the same...why do I wait until I am alone to binge like this...its got to stop.
I have to say though..as the days go on with blocked sinuses, I am getting used to it and I am able to curb the cravings somewhat. I go to eat a meal or a snack and I remember that I can't taste so I end up taking less. Its an interesting way to diet!!
I do find myself, when my sinuses open up thinking, "Yea, now my taste is back" and I look forward to things I can it. How do I stop this obsession with food? In the words of every 12-step program..I acknowledge that I am powerless over this struggle. It has to be you, Lord who helps me change the thought process and the behavior.
At dinner this evening, I made some black bean tacos with feta cheese and a Cole slaw tossed in lime juice..its one of our favorites and very healthy. I ate one and gave the other to Ken. I was able to curb the ravenous beast because of the NO-taste thing. Later that evening, as we were watching TV...I was really wanting to snack. I had a small snack but wanted more. I turned to Ken and told him how I was feeling. I talked about things I wanted at that moment but as if verbalizing it was enough, I didn't take anything. The usual routine is that Ken goes off to bed earlier than me and I stay up and watch a little more TV...and eat. I went to bed with Ken and told him why I was going up with him. This confession was totally out of character for me and so is this confession, in this blog. If I verbalize these struggle more, will it lessen the intensity of this beast...Am I seeing signs of this.
The closet eating has been a problem since childhood. I used to come home from school and take food up to my room to eat where no one could see me...this nighttime eating is the same...why do I wait until I am alone to binge like this...its got to stop.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Free Time
I had some free time between dropping off Daniel at School and leaving for my client appt at 1pm in Norristown. I came home and I was hungry, it was 11:15 o so. I chose to eat a package of peanut butter crackers and 3 little pieces of chocolate (Those little mini hershey bars). I sat down to check email and it was gone before I knew it. Still feeling compelled to eat, I had a choice at hand...OF COURSE I WANTED MORE CHOCOLATE!!! I chose an apple cut up with some fat free caramel dip. It was good. I am leaving for my client appt and I still feel compelled to eat. I carry this desire with me everywhere I go...It just sucks!
The journey to my clients home is full of visual triggers. Luckily I have not allowed myself enough time to stop...more about this later. Also need to talk about lunch...a difficult meal to pin down for me.
The journey to my clients home is full of visual triggers. Luckily I have not allowed myself enough time to stop...more about this later. Also need to talk about lunch...a difficult meal to pin down for me.
Morning again!!
Here I sit, after eating my oatmeal, wanting more food. I know these feelings and cravings were not going to go away in one day, this is a battle for my mind and body. I need to win this...so I put on the armor again. Ken and I just prayed together over the phone. We have prayed together here and there throughout the years sporatically. We have never made the commitment to do it daily...we just did. This is part of the armor, part of the support I need to produce real heart change.
Measuring my food has never been a strength, I find it really annoying. Is it because I do not want to be limited with the quantity of food I eat? Am I afraid of the hunger I know I will still feel after eating this limited portion? I ate a serving and 1/2 of oatmeal this morning with way to much butter, raisins and some lite maple syrup. It was good, it tasted satisfying...I want more!
Hmmmm, I do not think I am going to address this "yearning for more" just yet. I want to explore some more of the reasons behind it...but I am aware of it...painfully aware!
Here is what I read today: Genesis 3 The Fall...have you ead this lately. God said they could eat from any tree in the garden but 1, to not even touch it! Did God not want them to touch it because he knew even if they were near it, they would be tempted? Well, along comes the serpent and tempts Eve. Eve sees that the fruit looks delicious. She believes the serpent and temporarily forgets the warning from God.
How many times in my life have I said to myself.."Its ok, just this one time". I turn off the warning signals and everything reasonable that I know about food and how it will effect my body and my emotions to eat the "forbidden fruit", then afterwards, all I feel is shame, anger at myself, dissappointment, despair etc..
If I indulge in that second helping of food,will it satisfy me? I will definitely feel physically more full, maybe even stuffed but It will do nothing to fill the real void...the void, what is that?
Another good morning. I still want more food but I chose to not partake of that "Forbidden fruit"..lets see what God does with that step of faith today.
Measuring my food has never been a strength, I find it really annoying. Is it because I do not want to be limited with the quantity of food I eat? Am I afraid of the hunger I know I will still feel after eating this limited portion? I ate a serving and 1/2 of oatmeal this morning with way to much butter, raisins and some lite maple syrup. It was good, it tasted satisfying...I want more!
Hmmmm, I do not think I am going to address this "yearning for more" just yet. I want to explore some more of the reasons behind it...but I am aware of it...painfully aware!
Here is what I read today: Genesis 3 The Fall...have you ead this lately. God said they could eat from any tree in the garden but 1, to not even touch it! Did God not want them to touch it because he knew even if they were near it, they would be tempted? Well, along comes the serpent and tempts Eve. Eve sees that the fruit looks delicious. She believes the serpent and temporarily forgets the warning from God.
How many times in my life have I said to myself.."Its ok, just this one time". I turn off the warning signals and everything reasonable that I know about food and how it will effect my body and my emotions to eat the "forbidden fruit", then afterwards, all I feel is shame, anger at myself, dissappointment, despair etc..
If I indulge in that second helping of food,will it satisfy me? I will definitely feel physically more full, maybe even stuffed but It will do nothing to fill the real void...the void, what is that?
Another good morning. I still want more food but I chose to not partake of that "Forbidden fruit"..lets see what God does with that step of faith today.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Day One
Today was a good day. A good start...its a familiar journey but a new momentum has hit me. As good as today was, I find myself fighting off the voice in my head..its just going to end in despair and failure...why bother. I deal with this voice throughout the day most days unless I have just completely given in to the voice, then it subsides.
Today was good because I equipped myself with the armor of God this morning and failure eluded me until dinner time. We will get to that later. The most remarkable thing about today was the feeling I had around 12:15pm. I was busy working at my desk and started feeling light headed and trembly. It took me a minute to realize what it was...low blood sugar! I haven't felt that in weeks, maybe months. You only get to that point when your body is asking for more fuel and you have gone beyond the point when you should eat. I actually ate an appropriate amount of food this morning for breakfast. It was a fairly good choice and it kept me properly full until lunchtime. I rarely allow myself to experience real hunger. I must allow this more often and rejoice in the feeling. I have lots to explore about hunger and why I am so afraid to be hungry or empty of food for any length of time.
So this is the plan. I am going to take 40 days and blog my journey, thought, feelings, fears...I am hoping to discover the way I am suppose to be eating and make it my new normal. I will be on my knees asking God to free me from this bondage food has over me and to free my body of the extra weight, emotional and physical. At the end of the 40 days...I will be making a decision as to whether bariatric surgery will be part of my journey. I am scared of surgery but I am much more frightened at the prospect of growing old and continuing to carry this baggage with me. At some point, I am going to invite a few people along with me to read my words and come along side me in friendship and support...prayer is always welcome and so is feedback. I do not expect this to be a daily read blog. I am mostly doing this for personal growth but I believe that encouragement from others is a crucial piece of the puzzle so make your thoughts known!!
Tip for the day - I am finding that if I put all the food away after I prepare the meal and before I sit down to eat it,I am less tempted. I do not need to walk past food and have it tell me I'm hungry...the voices in my head have that covered!
Today was good because I equipped myself with the armor of God this morning and failure eluded me until dinner time. We will get to that later. The most remarkable thing about today was the feeling I had around 12:15pm. I was busy working at my desk and started feeling light headed and trembly. It took me a minute to realize what it was...low blood sugar! I haven't felt that in weeks, maybe months. You only get to that point when your body is asking for more fuel and you have gone beyond the point when you should eat. I actually ate an appropriate amount of food this morning for breakfast. It was a fairly good choice and it kept me properly full until lunchtime. I rarely allow myself to experience real hunger. I must allow this more often and rejoice in the feeling. I have lots to explore about hunger and why I am so afraid to be hungry or empty of food for any length of time.
So this is the plan. I am going to take 40 days and blog my journey, thought, feelings, fears...I am hoping to discover the way I am suppose to be eating and make it my new normal. I will be on my knees asking God to free me from this bondage food has over me and to free my body of the extra weight, emotional and physical. At the end of the 40 days...I will be making a decision as to whether bariatric surgery will be part of my journey. I am scared of surgery but I am much more frightened at the prospect of growing old and continuing to carry this baggage with me. At some point, I am going to invite a few people along with me to read my words and come along side me in friendship and support...prayer is always welcome and so is feedback. I do not expect this to be a daily read blog. I am mostly doing this for personal growth but I believe that encouragement from others is a crucial piece of the puzzle so make your thoughts known!!
Tip for the day - I am finding that if I put all the food away after I prepare the meal and before I sit down to eat it,I am less tempted. I do not need to walk past food and have it tell me I'm hungry...the voices in my head have that covered!
My morning hunger
Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. Mathew 4:4
"God's word generates life, creates faith, produces change, frightens the devil, causes miracles, heals hurts, builds character, transforms circumstances, imparts joy, overcomes adversity, defeats temptation, infuses hope, releases power, cleanses our minds, brings things into being and guarantees our future forever...you should consider it as essential to your life as food" - Rick Warren
How interesting as I start this journey, I read this in our sermon outline yesterday. This journey is going to be about learning...discovering the difference between spiritual hunger and physical hunger...a distinction that gets lost each time I overeat..each time I chose to satisfy my lust for the taste and texture of food and the feeling of having a full belly over fueling my body and practicing discipline and restraint. Its going to build my character, hopefully heal the hurts, defeat temptation and produce change.
One thing I have learned about myself...I am a pleasure seeker. I love the "experience". Don't tell me I can't do or have anything...it makes me want to do or have it more. I have been able to work through the dangers of this kind of attitude in other areas of my life...I have practiced discipline and restraint in getting myself out of debt and keeping us out of debt. I have spent the time and effort making this part of my lifestyle. It was so hard at first...lots of restraint, lots of giving up the things I wanted for the delayed gratification of a savings and the peace of mind in not carrying any debt. Its hard to live within your means in this society, especially being an Interior Designer and the expectations that go with that...big designer home, big designer wardrobe, big designer car, big designer image...I have none of these things yet God has allowed me to find a niche for myself in this field and I am surviving just fine...what does all this have to do with food I ask myself? Its about discipline and restraint, as I have gained maturity in life, I have learned how important these two things are to leading a good life...a steady, strong, focused life that is moving in the right direction. A life that allows me to be used to my potential instead of a life totally self-focused, chaotic and weak, a life of just getting by...a life focused on things that are fleeting and built on sand.
I feel like my food addiction and the circumstances that I live with because I choose to overeat have held me in a prison of fear, shame, anxiety, distraction, sadness, depression, compulsion. I am not free, I am in bondage and I am not enjoying alot of the blessings God has for me because I am surviving most of the time on the "bread" of my own choosing,not on the bread of life. I want to really experience the bread of life the way God intends...and see how much less of my own "bread" I need to feel full.
I came down stairs this morning and had a bowl of cereal. I finished it and instantly wanted another one. Instead of reactively going into the kitchen and pouring myself another bowl...I read this verse above and the commentary by Rick Warren...then I wrote this post...
I am not eating another bowl, I am not even craving one...I am full and satisfied with what I have eaten...(tears) thank you Jesus for this amazing beginning....hmmmm, very interesting!
"God's word generates life, creates faith, produces change, frightens the devil, causes miracles, heals hurts, builds character, transforms circumstances, imparts joy, overcomes adversity, defeats temptation, infuses hope, releases power, cleanses our minds, brings things into being and guarantees our future forever...you should consider it as essential to your life as food" - Rick Warren
How interesting as I start this journey, I read this in our sermon outline yesterday. This journey is going to be about learning...discovering the difference between spiritual hunger and physical hunger...a distinction that gets lost each time I overeat..each time I chose to satisfy my lust for the taste and texture of food and the feeling of having a full belly over fueling my body and practicing discipline and restraint. Its going to build my character, hopefully heal the hurts, defeat temptation and produce change.
One thing I have learned about myself...I am a pleasure seeker. I love the "experience". Don't tell me I can't do or have anything...it makes me want to do or have it more. I have been able to work through the dangers of this kind of attitude in other areas of my life...I have practiced discipline and restraint in getting myself out of debt and keeping us out of debt. I have spent the time and effort making this part of my lifestyle. It was so hard at first...lots of restraint, lots of giving up the things I wanted for the delayed gratification of a savings and the peace of mind in not carrying any debt. Its hard to live within your means in this society, especially being an Interior Designer and the expectations that go with that...big designer home, big designer wardrobe, big designer car, big designer image...I have none of these things yet God has allowed me to find a niche for myself in this field and I am surviving just fine...what does all this have to do with food I ask myself? Its about discipline and restraint, as I have gained maturity in life, I have learned how important these two things are to leading a good life...a steady, strong, focused life that is moving in the right direction. A life that allows me to be used to my potential instead of a life totally self-focused, chaotic and weak, a life of just getting by...a life focused on things that are fleeting and built on sand.
I feel like my food addiction and the circumstances that I live with because I choose to overeat have held me in a prison of fear, shame, anxiety, distraction, sadness, depression, compulsion. I am not free, I am in bondage and I am not enjoying alot of the blessings God has for me because I am surviving most of the time on the "bread" of my own choosing,not on the bread of life. I want to really experience the bread of life the way God intends...and see how much less of my own "bread" I need to feel full.
I came down stairs this morning and had a bowl of cereal. I finished it and instantly wanted another one. Instead of reactively going into the kitchen and pouring myself another bowl...I read this verse above and the commentary by Rick Warren...then I wrote this post...
I am not eating another bowl, I am not even craving one...I am full and satisfied with what I have eaten...(tears) thank you Jesus for this amazing beginning....hmmmm, very interesting!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Title
I have often thought and even said out loud "If only I did not have to eat". then I could go about dealing with the important issues of life.
I wouldn't be consumed at every moment with food, the thought of food, what I am going to eat at any given meal, what I am going to eat for a snack, what should I eat, what I am about to eat, what I just ate, I can't believe I ate that, I can believe I ate that much, if only they know what I eat when no one is looking, is anyone looking?, No one is looking I can eat more and get away with it, why can't I stop eating, why can't I just eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full, Why do I make bad food choices, Why can't I stop THINKING. WORRYING, OBSESSING ABOUT and CRAVING and EATING....FFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!
I have thought about blogging my food struggles off and on for awhile but I wasn't ready to use the blog as a tool and it never stuck. One of the ticks to gaining control of one's eating is to keep a food log, something I have never been able to do. I have never been able to journal (only when we adopted our son). I have always wanted to but discipline has never been a strength. Why did it work when we adopted Daniel? I think it was because I wanted to document the entire journey...there is always so much emotion in everything I do (believe me, its exhausting at times...but beautiful in others) There is always so much missing in "A list of foods I ate today"...or is there? That is kind of the inspiration for this blog. I am not going to be listing all the foods I eat in every entry. What I am going to do is use this blog to document the journey including the occasional food list in hopes that it will help me process in a deeper way than I ever have. I have a pretty important decision to make and I am looking for wisdom. I can not go on living this way...my Diabetes is getting harder to control, I'm tired, my joints creak and hurt when I run or walk up stairs...My body is getting much harder to carry around. I want to be here for my husband and son and whoever else joins our family in the future.
More later
I wouldn't be consumed at every moment with food, the thought of food, what I am going to eat at any given meal, what I am going to eat for a snack, what should I eat, what I am about to eat, what I just ate, I can't believe I ate that, I can believe I ate that much, if only they know what I eat when no one is looking, is anyone looking?, No one is looking I can eat more and get away with it, why can't I stop eating, why can't I just eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full, Why do I make bad food choices, Why can't I stop THINKING. WORRYING, OBSESSING ABOUT and CRAVING and EATING....FFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!
I have thought about blogging my food struggles off and on for awhile but I wasn't ready to use the blog as a tool and it never stuck. One of the ticks to gaining control of one's eating is to keep a food log, something I have never been able to do. I have never been able to journal (only when we adopted our son). I have always wanted to but discipline has never been a strength. Why did it work when we adopted Daniel? I think it was because I wanted to document the entire journey...there is always so much emotion in everything I do (believe me, its exhausting at times...but beautiful in others) There is always so much missing in "A list of foods I ate today"...or is there? That is kind of the inspiration for this blog. I am not going to be listing all the foods I eat in every entry. What I am going to do is use this blog to document the journey including the occasional food list in hopes that it will help me process in a deeper way than I ever have. I have a pretty important decision to make and I am looking for wisdom. I can not go on living this way...my Diabetes is getting harder to control, I'm tired, my joints creak and hurt when I run or walk up stairs...My body is getting much harder to carry around. I want to be here for my husband and son and whoever else joins our family in the future.
More later
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