I noticed something yesterday...most of the pull to eat at fast food places is gone. I remember how deep the pull was and now, if I feel anything at all, its a minor twinge...that is progress!! What I still have yet to conquer is the pantry and my late night eating. I know I need to give up my time relaxing at night after Daniel is in bed. If Ken stays up, I am ok but once he goes to bed...The desire kicks in and its hard to fight it. I have taken up knitting as an activity to help keep me occupied but the pull of late night eating is so much stronger right now!
Its funny how I can have the best, most controlled day of eating and I give it up so easily at night. I think what I need to do is to reset the armor in the evening...maybe alittle quiet time in the evening and I work to give up the alone time late night...I would like to get up earlier and have treadmill time every day...hmm, this all sounds like wisdom to me...changing old destructive behaviors
read Psalm 107...lots of crying out in distress and the Lord delivering the "Criers"...he satisfies the hungry soul and the hungry soul he fills with good things...I believe that!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
How time flies
How cliche is that title????
Its more like...I am going to take a break from this battle, I am growing weary of it and I know exactly how much time is flying by, I think about it everyday...every moment...with every morsel I put in my mouth but I need a break and I am just going to go into avoidance mode so I can just eat what I want...and we are going on vacation soon and that is always an excuse to overeat...it just wouldn't be vacation if I couldn't overindulge in boardwalk foods...and now I have committed to just being weak and sloppy and I know that 3, 4, 5 weeks have gone by...i'll just start again tomorrow.........................................
Its tomorrow!
Ok, so, now my true pattern is recorded for all to see. This is an incredibly ancient, classic Amy pattern of pushing and pushing and then avoiding and avoiding and then slipping and slipping.
I am going to do something different in reaction to it and not dwell on it, not make excuses and just get back to it.
Still the same weight, still lost 18 pounds on the first part of this journey, still exercising my body...still putting less food in my mouth...all positive things...I just lost sight of the true victory I was experiencing...I wasn't getting the weight loss I originally wanted and I could not get my eyes off that prize. But, what I was missing and de-emphasizing was the true heart change that was going on. It was real and through this little setback, so many of the things I learned were still being applied and had become part of me to the point of being able to recall as I needed to hear them.
Even writing this previous paragraph is completely energizing as I review the real growth I have had. Man! Satan really wants to downplay that...he wants me to lose my footing at every opportunity. I just forgot to be vigilant. I reread an entry where I read a passage in Daniel about him choosing to not partake in food from the kings table because he saw it as sinful indulgence. Imagine choosing not to indulge...to make the conscious choice to eat food that tastes ok but is less filling and less satisfying for the sake of eating with discipline...who does that? I must do that. I must make that choice...there are consequences to each side and I do not want to lose out on the real prize...rich and delectable foods are not the real prize...its a fleeting one that looks good and is familiar but always takes me to a dangerous end.
I do know one very important thing as I restart on this road...I must be in the word daily, no question, no excuses...I crack open the bible and just read a few verses and the strength just bubbles up from within...this is truly where I get all my strength, I am just a mess of avoidance and slippage without it. I thought about this the other day at the playground with Daniel. At Masons mill park, there is this dual sliding board with an identical right and left slide...they look completely identical but Daniel always chooses the right one and I have to coax him to go down the left. What does the right slide have that the left doesn't? The day I was there with him...there was a little girl standing at the bottom in front of the right slide. I gently suggested he go down the left. He looked at me, looked at the little girl and disregarded my second and third stronger pleas to go down the left...It truly was his choice as I couldn't reach him...he went down the right and had to stop himself at the bottom to avoid hitting the little girl. We want what we want, don't we? We want the familiar even though we see imminent danger to us and to others...it just doesn't seem to matter enough...we want the familiar so much we miss out on the free and open slide to the bottom by just trying something different as suggested by someone who has our best interest and the best interest of others at heart.
God, I know you forgive me...I have asked and you have granted it...I am just not going to sling this 6 week slip over my shoulder and carry it around with me. You tell me to cast my burdens on you and I am choosing to do so...here you go...just did! Now, back on the road to true freedom.
Its more like...I am going to take a break from this battle, I am growing weary of it and I know exactly how much time is flying by, I think about it everyday...every moment...with every morsel I put in my mouth but I need a break and I am just going to go into avoidance mode so I can just eat what I want...and we are going on vacation soon and that is always an excuse to overeat...it just wouldn't be vacation if I couldn't overindulge in boardwalk foods...and now I have committed to just being weak and sloppy and I know that 3, 4, 5 weeks have gone by...i'll just start again tomorrow.........................................
Its tomorrow!
Ok, so, now my true pattern is recorded for all to see. This is an incredibly ancient, classic Amy pattern of pushing and pushing and then avoiding and avoiding and then slipping and slipping.
I am going to do something different in reaction to it and not dwell on it, not make excuses and just get back to it.
Still the same weight, still lost 18 pounds on the first part of this journey, still exercising my body...still putting less food in my mouth...all positive things...I just lost sight of the true victory I was experiencing...I wasn't getting the weight loss I originally wanted and I could not get my eyes off that prize. But, what I was missing and de-emphasizing was the true heart change that was going on. It was real and through this little setback, so many of the things I learned were still being applied and had become part of me to the point of being able to recall as I needed to hear them.
Even writing this previous paragraph is completely energizing as I review the real growth I have had. Man! Satan really wants to downplay that...he wants me to lose my footing at every opportunity. I just forgot to be vigilant. I reread an entry where I read a passage in Daniel about him choosing to not partake in food from the kings table because he saw it as sinful indulgence. Imagine choosing not to indulge...to make the conscious choice to eat food that tastes ok but is less filling and less satisfying for the sake of eating with discipline...who does that? I must do that. I must make that choice...there are consequences to each side and I do not want to lose out on the real prize...rich and delectable foods are not the real prize...its a fleeting one that looks good and is familiar but always takes me to a dangerous end.
I do know one very important thing as I restart on this road...I must be in the word daily, no question, no excuses...I crack open the bible and just read a few verses and the strength just bubbles up from within...this is truly where I get all my strength, I am just a mess of avoidance and slippage without it. I thought about this the other day at the playground with Daniel. At Masons mill park, there is this dual sliding board with an identical right and left slide...they look completely identical but Daniel always chooses the right one and I have to coax him to go down the left. What does the right slide have that the left doesn't? The day I was there with him...there was a little girl standing at the bottom in front of the right slide. I gently suggested he go down the left. He looked at me, looked at the little girl and disregarded my second and third stronger pleas to go down the left...It truly was his choice as I couldn't reach him...he went down the right and had to stop himself at the bottom to avoid hitting the little girl. We want what we want, don't we? We want the familiar even though we see imminent danger to us and to others...it just doesn't seem to matter enough...we want the familiar so much we miss out on the free and open slide to the bottom by just trying something different as suggested by someone who has our best interest and the best interest of others at heart.
God, I know you forgive me...I have asked and you have granted it...I am just not going to sling this 6 week slip over my shoulder and carry it around with me. You tell me to cast my burdens on you and I am choosing to do so...here you go...just did! Now, back on the road to true freedom.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Day 4 & 5 - How do I transcend?
This morning, I read Romans Chapter 7 about sinful nature and doing what you do not want to do. I need to camp here for awhile. I always forget about this chapter but it is really the essence of who I am as an addict. Its really the essence of who we all are. My mind is still so set on my own personal gratification when it comes to food. This fast has showed me another angle of this struggle. When I feel "hunger" in between the shakes...its not the fresh fruit that I usually crave, its crackers or chips or something that satisfies my desire to eat, not my body's need for fuel.
How do I change this...how do I transcend my sinful nature to eat selfishly? How do I truly serve my new nature?
"When I want to do good, evil is right there with me, for in my innermost being, I delight in God's law, but, I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war etc.......what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this sin deep within me???
Answer - Jesus, if I let him!
How do I change this...how do I transcend my sinful nature to eat selfishly? How do I truly serve my new nature?
"When I want to do good, evil is right there with me, for in my innermost being, I delight in God's law, but, I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war etc.......what a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this sin deep within me???
Answer - Jesus, if I let him!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Day 3 - Learning more things
Read Romans 5:3 this morning about suffering produces perserverance, character then hope. I am walking around these past few days groaning inwardly and outwardly about the hunger...I am still dreading it, still cowering away..is it possible to change my view and look at it in a positive light despite the actually feeling I am experiencing. Even though this is hard I know that God is using it to help me grow and to build my strength and character.
This 10 day "sort of fast" will be good for me..I am going to try to look at the experience differently today.
This 10 day "sort of fast" will be good for me..I am going to try to look at the experience differently today.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Day 2 - Suffering Again
Phew! Made it through yesterday. It was clear to me again as I was going through the day, that I consistently mislabel emptiness as hunger. I ate a small amount of food up until dinner, enough to nourish myself but I remained "unfull" for the entire day..I really felt it. There were times throughout the day when the emptiness did change to hunger and that is when I ate...its so clear..its so simple...when I don't stuff myself full of food, I have so much clarity!!!
Lately, I have been hearing rumors that Directbuy is having some financial trouble. Its to the point that I really do not know what will happen from day to day. I was apprehensive when I went in to work yesterday and the thought of losing this job made me also think " this is the kind of stuff that makes me want to overeat"....Again the clarity!!!! I am clear enough to identify this trigger and hopefully equip myself before it even happens. There is nothing that extra food will do to change the situation. If I lose this job, I will be experiencing a new type of suffering while I am looking for something else...a new emptiness. I will have to embrace this too...not deaden the suffering with food...the lie that I have believed in the past was that this way of eating will somehow make the situation better, if I can just experience the pleasure of eating comfort foods to excess..Reality....it will make it so much worse.
I read Lam 1:12...a few verses about the suffering of Jerusalem after it has been destroyed. I thought that this Matthew Henry commentary below was interesting:
1:12-22 Jerusalem, sitting dejected on the ground, calls on those that passed by, to consider whether her example did not concern them. Her outward sufferings were great, but her inward sufferings were harder to bear, through the sense of guilt. Sorrow for sin must be great sorrow, and must affect the soul. Here we see the evil of sin, and may take warning to flee from the wrath to come. Whatever may be learned from the sufferings of Jerusalem, far more may be learned from the sufferings of Christ. Does he not from the cross speak to every one of us? Does he not say, Is it nothing to you, all ye that pass by? Let all our sorrows lead us to the cross of Christ, lead us to mark his example, and cheerfully to follow him.
The external suffering of carrying around this overweight body is something I desperately want to be rid of...but dealing with the internal suffering is what will bring me true freedom. Dealing with the inside is what is helping me prepare for future "wraths" The external change is coming..because dealing with the internal struggle is finally leading me to the cross.
Lately, I have been hearing rumors that Directbuy is having some financial trouble. Its to the point that I really do not know what will happen from day to day. I was apprehensive when I went in to work yesterday and the thought of losing this job made me also think " this is the kind of stuff that makes me want to overeat"....Again the clarity!!!! I am clear enough to identify this trigger and hopefully equip myself before it even happens. There is nothing that extra food will do to change the situation. If I lose this job, I will be experiencing a new type of suffering while I am looking for something else...a new emptiness. I will have to embrace this too...not deaden the suffering with food...the lie that I have believed in the past was that this way of eating will somehow make the situation better, if I can just experience the pleasure of eating comfort foods to excess..Reality....it will make it so much worse.
I read Lam 1:12...a few verses about the suffering of Jerusalem after it has been destroyed. I thought that this Matthew Henry commentary below was interesting:
1:12-22 Jerusalem, sitting dejected on the ground, calls on those that passed by, to consider whether her example did not concern them. Her outward sufferings were great, but her inward sufferings were harder to bear, through the sense of guilt. Sorrow for sin must be great sorrow, and must affect the soul. Here we see the evil of sin, and may take warning to flee from the wrath to come. Whatever may be learned from the sufferings of Jerusalem, far more may be learned from the sufferings of Christ. Does he not from the cross speak to every one of us? Does he not say, Is it nothing to you, all ye that pass by? Let all our sorrows lead us to the cross of Christ, lead us to mark his example, and cheerfully to follow him.
The external suffering of carrying around this overweight body is something I desperately want to be rid of...but dealing with the internal suffering is what will bring me true freedom. Dealing with the inside is what is helping me prepare for future "wraths" The external change is coming..because dealing with the internal struggle is finally leading me to the cross.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Day 1 - The suffering journey
Well, my friend had her surgery last Thursday. I haven't heard yet how it went or how she is recuperating. Hopefully will hear today. Still think I made the right decision but I have just been coasting along for the last 2 weeks. I have been thinking quite a bit about the concept of suffering. I really avoid it. This is a very big issue for me and I am stuck on the edge of this cliff looking down into the pit of suffering. I see the bottom but I am afraid to do what I need to do to get to the bottom. This is only food for God's sake...why is this so difficult...just stop, right?
I just can't seem to stop..I mean really stop. I have decreased the amount of food, for sure, but I have only scratched the surface. There is something really deep here I need to deal with. So far, this journey has produced this...an awareness of this big fear...did I expect this road to lead straight to weight loss...well, I had hoped...I believe it still will but there are huge road blocks in the way and this is one of them. If I do not deal with this now, I may struggle forever with this same 20 pounds or worse, I may go backward and forget the whole thing. Embracing the suffering that comes with this freedom I want so badly must happen so,...lets take a new mini journey focused on suffering. I am going to take 10 days and move head on into it. I am going to fast during breakfast, lunch and the "night eating period". Not fast totally from food but use slim-fast shakes and fresh fruit to replace the food I am eating. I have started letting the abuse of food creep back in and my addiction to taste and excess has reared its ugly head. I want to read about suffering and learn what it is that is keeping me in this state of submission and obsession to food. I need to control what goes into my body not the other way around. I need to be empty enough to let the voice of restraint and control speak to me...and to let the voice of God speak to me about what it is that is making me afraid of the suffering that is necessary to make it past this.
The thought of doing this is making my mouth dry. The thought of actually putting this in writing is scary because some of you are still reading and can help keep me accountable...Why 10 days? I don't know why actually...its the same as the 40 day thing...its just a number that moved me. Its a number that with my history has always been out of the question...impossible and God loves to overcome the impossible. Its enough time to be empty enough to let the stuff come up that I have been pushing down and covering up with food for so long....scary!
Job 36:15 But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction
I think I need to actually step into the suffering for God to speak to it instead of cowering and waiting for the blow...when will I learn it just doesn't work that way? God, I am counting on you for help as I know this is not something I can do in my own strength...I would barely make it one day!
I need prayer again!! This is going to be much harder than it sounds.
I just can't seem to stop..I mean really stop. I have decreased the amount of food, for sure, but I have only scratched the surface. There is something really deep here I need to deal with. So far, this journey has produced this...an awareness of this big fear...did I expect this road to lead straight to weight loss...well, I had hoped...I believe it still will but there are huge road blocks in the way and this is one of them. If I do not deal with this now, I may struggle forever with this same 20 pounds or worse, I may go backward and forget the whole thing. Embracing the suffering that comes with this freedom I want so badly must happen so,...lets take a new mini journey focused on suffering. I am going to take 10 days and move head on into it. I am going to fast during breakfast, lunch and the "night eating period". Not fast totally from food but use slim-fast shakes and fresh fruit to replace the food I am eating. I have started letting the abuse of food creep back in and my addiction to taste and excess has reared its ugly head. I want to read about suffering and learn what it is that is keeping me in this state of submission and obsession to food. I need to control what goes into my body not the other way around. I need to be empty enough to let the voice of restraint and control speak to me...and to let the voice of God speak to me about what it is that is making me afraid of the suffering that is necessary to make it past this.
The thought of doing this is making my mouth dry. The thought of actually putting this in writing is scary because some of you are still reading and can help keep me accountable...Why 10 days? I don't know why actually...its the same as the 40 day thing...its just a number that moved me. Its a number that with my history has always been out of the question...impossible and God loves to overcome the impossible. Its enough time to be empty enough to let the stuff come up that I have been pushing down and covering up with food for so long....scary!
Job 36:15 But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction
I think I need to actually step into the suffering for God to speak to it instead of cowering and waiting for the blow...when will I learn it just doesn't work that way? God, I am counting on you for help as I know this is not something I can do in my own strength...I would barely make it one day!
I need prayer again!! This is going to be much harder than it sounds.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Suffering
It occur ed to me this week, that I have been trying to avoid suffering again...At night, I snack alittle bit here, a little bit there...its not a full blown commitment to overeating just a subtle denial with easily justified little snacks that all add up to overeating. It just comes at you from every angle, doesn't it..just when you think you have been made aware of the problem and given a solution..the Evil one wiggles in through another crack in the foundation.
As I snack at night, what I am really doing is avoiding the suffering through the emptiness and the hunger. Its my version of crouching down with my hands over my head waiting for the blow of the hungry empty stomach to hit and trying to deflect the pain as much as possible. Its not an event at night where I am sitting down and eating a meal because I am hungry...I wander into the kitchen and open the pantry or the refrigerator and pick or I take a light snack into the living room to watch some tv...its just a small stream of anesthesia, just enough to keep the hunger at bay because I just do not want to deal with it.
I have to deal with it!!I have to meet the hunger head on and embrace it. I was doing that in the beginning, why do I slip back so easily.
We cant cower away from the suffering in life, hoping that there will be enough anesthesia available to keep the pain away. Well, we can do that if we choose but I do not want to live that way anymore. I want to deal with this, walk through it experiencing every bit of suffering God would have me deal with...and then eventually make it to the other side of this struggle. I can not wait to see what the other side looks like. Please God, help me meet this suffering...the hunger..head on!
Later on this morning....I get to Directbuy for our weekly Fri morning meeting and up at the reception counter is three boxes of Danishes. I immediately thought of eating some...haven't I been through this already..haven't I moved ahead far enough in this journey to laugh in the face of this trigger food? Apparently not!!! My choice is to suffer through the temptation and not indulge today. This is so not as easy as it sounds, as my co workers just came up to my desk with a plate full of coffee cake and chatted with me for a minute or two while they ate every delicious bite...REALLY GOD...REALLY???? I mean, do you have to bring it right to me...does the temptation have to be right in my face? Cant it stay nice and safe in its little box in a remote location and be eaten out of my sight line by others????
I have to laugh at this madness before me..its like you are asking me...Amy, who is your God today? Do you really choose me when the pressure is on, when the temptation is at its greatest? I know what you have for me is greater than the false satisfaction that these foods have to offer. The other night I asked Ken to bring home chocolate for me which he did. I ate the huge bar that he bought and I just wanted more...I know if I indulge today...I will just want more, it will never stop..my insatiability will continue if I keep filling myself with the things that really offer little or fleeting satisfaction...and the consequences are great!!
I am hungry and I am dealing with it again for the first time in weeks with the nourishment that God longs to provide us...
As I snack at night, what I am really doing is avoiding the suffering through the emptiness and the hunger. Its my version of crouching down with my hands over my head waiting for the blow of the hungry empty stomach to hit and trying to deflect the pain as much as possible. Its not an event at night where I am sitting down and eating a meal because I am hungry...I wander into the kitchen and open the pantry or the refrigerator and pick or I take a light snack into the living room to watch some tv...its just a small stream of anesthesia, just enough to keep the hunger at bay because I just do not want to deal with it.
I have to deal with it!!I have to meet the hunger head on and embrace it. I was doing that in the beginning, why do I slip back so easily.
We cant cower away from the suffering in life, hoping that there will be enough anesthesia available to keep the pain away. Well, we can do that if we choose but I do not want to live that way anymore. I want to deal with this, walk through it experiencing every bit of suffering God would have me deal with...and then eventually make it to the other side of this struggle. I can not wait to see what the other side looks like. Please God, help me meet this suffering...the hunger..head on!
Later on this morning....I get to Directbuy for our weekly Fri morning meeting and up at the reception counter is three boxes of Danishes. I immediately thought of eating some...haven't I been through this already..haven't I moved ahead far enough in this journey to laugh in the face of this trigger food? Apparently not!!! My choice is to suffer through the temptation and not indulge today. This is so not as easy as it sounds, as my co workers just came up to my desk with a plate full of coffee cake and chatted with me for a minute or two while they ate every delicious bite...REALLY GOD...REALLY???? I mean, do you have to bring it right to me...does the temptation have to be right in my face? Cant it stay nice and safe in its little box in a remote location and be eaten out of my sight line by others????
I have to laugh at this madness before me..its like you are asking me...Amy, who is your God today? Do you really choose me when the pressure is on, when the temptation is at its greatest? I know what you have for me is greater than the false satisfaction that these foods have to offer. The other night I asked Ken to bring home chocolate for me which he did. I ate the huge bar that he bought and I just wanted more...I know if I indulge today...I will just want more, it will never stop..my insatiability will continue if I keep filling myself with the things that really offer little or fleeting satisfaction...and the consequences are great!!
I am hungry and I am dealing with it again for the first time in weeks with the nourishment that God longs to provide us...
Monday, April 27, 2009
My particular Blessing
It is clear to me that I need to be in Gods word, its as simple as that! After all these years, I am finally listening to that fact. I have skimmed through my Christian life with a very shallow understanding of the power and the joy in the word. I love the Lord and believe that God has something important to teach us but I have always relied on the interpretation of the word from others and an occasional study as my bread. Never have I delved this deeply into the word itself and sought my own understanding...my own leading.
There has never been anything that has brought so much clarity and strength into my life. I find the clarity that I get from reading to be so empowering, yet, I do let it fall by the wayside. Reading God's word falls easily in importance to preparing for a client or making sure the house is in order or even watching a show that I Tivo'd the night before. Its insanity...Its like waking up in the morning knowing you have a marathon to run and choosing high heels for the day..they will not support you, they will make the journey much harder...its so not the right choice but you choose them time and time again.
I was reading Deuteronomy this morning Chapter 33 where God blessed the tribes. He gave different blessings to each person..one got the best land, one got strength and one safety etc..
Was I a bit jealous that my client was going to have surgery soon? Yes, but I have to remember the blessing that God has given me so far in this journey...the blessing of clarity and insight...the blessing of a quieter voice telling me to eat certain foods and to overeat...the blessing of strength to eat wisely and to allow my stomach to remain empty knowing I have eaten enough food and that God would fill the rest.
There has never been anything that has brought so much clarity and strength into my life. I find the clarity that I get from reading to be so empowering, yet, I do let it fall by the wayside. Reading God's word falls easily in importance to preparing for a client or making sure the house is in order or even watching a show that I Tivo'd the night before. Its insanity...Its like waking up in the morning knowing you have a marathon to run and choosing high heels for the day..they will not support you, they will make the journey much harder...its so not the right choice but you choose them time and time again.
I was reading Deuteronomy this morning Chapter 33 where God blessed the tribes. He gave different blessings to each person..one got the best land, one got strength and one safety etc..
Was I a bit jealous that my client was going to have surgery soon? Yes, but I have to remember the blessing that God has given me so far in this journey...the blessing of clarity and insight...the blessing of a quieter voice telling me to eat certain foods and to overeat...the blessing of strength to eat wisely and to allow my stomach to remain empty knowing I have eaten enough food and that God would fill the rest.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Did I make the right decision?
Earlier this week I spoke with my client who is preparing for bariatric surgery. She mentioned that she finally got a date, her surgery is scheduled for a date in May. I had a twinge of "Did I make the right decision" ....look, she is having the surgery and will soon be losing massive amounts of weight....then she said "I am getting a little scared" and I remembered the feeling of sitting in the doctors office talking to the surgeon and how I could not wait to get out of there and what I have learned about my self since then. I could feel her fear...
I do not know alot about this women but she does mention prayer casually to me at times..she says "pray for me, I am going to do this or that etc..as almost a joke but not quite" I do pray for her when she asks. I couldn't help but think..."what is she going to miss out on in this decision to move forward with the surgery..maybe nothing...maybe this is exactly what the Lord would have her do...that this is her road to freedom after careful prayerful consideration. Will she learn about suffering? Will she learn the depth of Gods love for her...will he give her jewels of wisdom through this and a direction that once taken will give her true freedom from the bondage that we have both been in?
I can not look back, only forward. Even though I have struggled and the weight loss has slowed a bit, I have to trust that I am still on the right path...I am eating sooooo much less than I did even 6 months ago...my body is smaller, I am enjoying looser fitting clothing and a spring in my step!!! The exercise is slowly becoming a part of my daily routing again. I am still on the path that my 40 day search gave me, although, I am still baffled with my love affair with food. I am so much more aware of the lie that I have been believing when it comes to the purpose of food but, I still desire to partake in the distorted way I used to consume it. I guess because it always did provide some type of satisfaction and did fill a need. I keep forgetting to leave an empty space for God to fill with his nourishment.
1Peter 1:14 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. Then he goes on to suggest that we try to mimic his own behavior...I think that God continues to ask me to suffer through hunger...to acknowledge the desire to overeat and to make bad food choices and to put those desires on the alter, unfulfilled..in other words, take them to him and let him take them away or fill them with the food that really satisfies a deep hunger.
Even this entry is a gift from God. I had nothing on my mind when I started writing, feeling tired today and crabby...God knew I needed a new little jewel of hope and gave it to me.
I will keep moving toward him and keep moving ahead in this journey...it clearly is the right decision for me.
I do not know alot about this women but she does mention prayer casually to me at times..she says "pray for me, I am going to do this or that etc..as almost a joke but not quite" I do pray for her when she asks. I couldn't help but think..."what is she going to miss out on in this decision to move forward with the surgery..maybe nothing...maybe this is exactly what the Lord would have her do...that this is her road to freedom after careful prayerful consideration. Will she learn about suffering? Will she learn the depth of Gods love for her...will he give her jewels of wisdom through this and a direction that once taken will give her true freedom from the bondage that we have both been in?
I can not look back, only forward. Even though I have struggled and the weight loss has slowed a bit, I have to trust that I am still on the right path...I am eating sooooo much less than I did even 6 months ago...my body is smaller, I am enjoying looser fitting clothing and a spring in my step!!! The exercise is slowly becoming a part of my daily routing again. I am still on the path that my 40 day search gave me, although, I am still baffled with my love affair with food. I am so much more aware of the lie that I have been believing when it comes to the purpose of food but, I still desire to partake in the distorted way I used to consume it. I guess because it always did provide some type of satisfaction and did fill a need. I keep forgetting to leave an empty space for God to fill with his nourishment.
1Peter 1:14 "As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. Then he goes on to suggest that we try to mimic his own behavior...I think that God continues to ask me to suffer through hunger...to acknowledge the desire to overeat and to make bad food choices and to put those desires on the alter, unfulfilled..in other words, take them to him and let him take them away or fill them with the food that really satisfies a deep hunger.
Even this entry is a gift from God. I had nothing on my mind when I started writing, feeling tired today and crabby...God knew I needed a new little jewel of hope and gave it to me.
I will keep moving toward him and keep moving ahead in this journey...it clearly is the right decision for me.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
No More Counting Days
I decided to stop labeling each entry with a day #. I think its contributing to my obsessiveness about the amount of weight I am losing. Does it really matter anymore? This journey will take as long as it takes.
So, I was talking to my counselor this week. He made a statement that was amusing but true. He said, "You are always so surprised to find out that you are deeply flawed" Its true...I guess I don't think about myself that way...I do not live in that reality all the time...I live with a sense of competency that sometimes keeps me from seeing my true self...I am a deeply flawed human being, just like the rest of the human race...I think that once I embrace this fact, I will be alot easier on "Me"..I will accept my flaws without sinking to the depths every time I make a mistake and shake them off easier.
I lost my balance for a few weeks. I lost what was giving me direction. My old nature was ready and waiting to take the lead and it did for a while. I have learned that your old nature never leaves you, it is truly a part of you and you have to actively keep it at bay with the tools that God gives you to do so. Every time my old nature creeps up into the limelight again, I need to hack away at it so it becomes smaller and smaller and more inconsequential. This is also a form of suffering, dealing with my old nature. The obsession is part of my old nature. When I heard "Stop counting calories...what God was really saying to me was stop the obsession. Counting calories is a tool...I am the one giving it power over me, I am the one giving the scale power and I am the one giving the unnecessary foods power as well.
This battle is so much more spiritual that I ever imagined. I keep vacillating back and forth between the spiritual struggle and the physical one. When I fight the spiritual battle with the tools like Gods word, prayer, a willingness to suffer through hunger and a choice to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full...its like the physical battle submits and falls into line.
I equipped myself with Psalm 40 this week. I kept reading it and re-reading it. Its a great "Crying out from a place of distress" passage. I believe I am out of the "Miry Bog" so to speak and I have clarity and strength again.
I have stabilized again at an 18 pound weight loss which I think is amazing after my fluctuating eating habits while in the "Miry Bog"..Thank you Jesus!
Lets see what happens from here in my renewed state of clarity, control and restraint.
So, I was talking to my counselor this week. He made a statement that was amusing but true. He said, "You are always so surprised to find out that you are deeply flawed" Its true...I guess I don't think about myself that way...I do not live in that reality all the time...I live with a sense of competency that sometimes keeps me from seeing my true self...I am a deeply flawed human being, just like the rest of the human race...I think that once I embrace this fact, I will be alot easier on "Me"..I will accept my flaws without sinking to the depths every time I make a mistake and shake them off easier.
I lost my balance for a few weeks. I lost what was giving me direction. My old nature was ready and waiting to take the lead and it did for a while. I have learned that your old nature never leaves you, it is truly a part of you and you have to actively keep it at bay with the tools that God gives you to do so. Every time my old nature creeps up into the limelight again, I need to hack away at it so it becomes smaller and smaller and more inconsequential. This is also a form of suffering, dealing with my old nature. The obsession is part of my old nature. When I heard "Stop counting calories...what God was really saying to me was stop the obsession. Counting calories is a tool...I am the one giving it power over me, I am the one giving the scale power and I am the one giving the unnecessary foods power as well.
This battle is so much more spiritual that I ever imagined. I keep vacillating back and forth between the spiritual struggle and the physical one. When I fight the spiritual battle with the tools like Gods word, prayer, a willingness to suffer through hunger and a choice to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full...its like the physical battle submits and falls into line.
I equipped myself with Psalm 40 this week. I kept reading it and re-reading it. Its a great "Crying out from a place of distress" passage. I believe I am out of the "Miry Bog" so to speak and I have clarity and strength again.
I have stabilized again at an 18 pound weight loss which I think is amazing after my fluctuating eating habits while in the "Miry Bog"..Thank you Jesus!
Lets see what happens from here in my renewed state of clarity, control and restraint.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Day 72 - Eat when you are hungry - stop when you are full
This is my mantra today...what makes it so difficult is the head hunger, the desire to overeat, the compulsion to eat....
I started this entry above over a week ago...I have forgotten to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. This is what slips me back into compulsion mode when I count calories...when I am concerned about the exact amount of calories to eat...I forget what God is teaching me about food.
I feel like I have so much more to learn about this struggle and I keep wanting to switch over into " formula mode"
God, this is hard. I was calorie counting and lost about 16 pounds. The last week or 2 of calorie counting, I did not lose anything. I stopped counting and lost another 2 pounds....Over the week before Easter and this week...I gained a pound back (There is no way to go through a holiday and not overeat...).......
Sighhhhhh!
I can not stop focusing on the weight loss.
Ok...what I do know is that if I look at the big picture...I am definately making better decisions. I have identified so many triggers and the voices of compulsion to overeat have been quieted even if they have not dissapeared. I have started getting more exercise and I am so pleased that I did not gain more over the Easter Holiday...cant this be enough to keep me going in this direction?
God, I have lost that excited, child-like exitement and momentum...please give that back to me.
I just read Psalm 40..My Help and My Deliverer!
I feel like I am in the "Miry Bog". The pit of destruction is very near and I am dipping my toes in again (Why do I make myself believe so easily that the pit of destruction has anything to offer me...no piece of chocolate is worth the gift of freedom from this torment).
Do I believe that he hears my cry and that he will lift me out and set my feet upon the rock? I have not sought God's word for strength for over a week...even now as I open the bible and start seeking again, I feel the attraction of overeating fade away again. I feel the rock under my feet. Calorie counting or no calorie counting...this is a crucial part of me staying on track.
God, please speaking to me
I started this entry above over a week ago...I have forgotten to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. This is what slips me back into compulsion mode when I count calories...when I am concerned about the exact amount of calories to eat...I forget what God is teaching me about food.
I feel like I have so much more to learn about this struggle and I keep wanting to switch over into " formula mode"
God, this is hard. I was calorie counting and lost about 16 pounds. The last week or 2 of calorie counting, I did not lose anything. I stopped counting and lost another 2 pounds....Over the week before Easter and this week...I gained a pound back (There is no way to go through a holiday and not overeat...).......
Sighhhhhh!
I can not stop focusing on the weight loss.
Ok...what I do know is that if I look at the big picture...I am definately making better decisions. I have identified so many triggers and the voices of compulsion to overeat have been quieted even if they have not dissapeared. I have started getting more exercise and I am so pleased that I did not gain more over the Easter Holiday...cant this be enough to keep me going in this direction?
God, I have lost that excited, child-like exitement and momentum...please give that back to me.
I just read Psalm 40..My Help and My Deliverer!
I feel like I am in the "Miry Bog". The pit of destruction is very near and I am dipping my toes in again (Why do I make myself believe so easily that the pit of destruction has anything to offer me...no piece of chocolate is worth the gift of freedom from this torment).
Do I believe that he hears my cry and that he will lift me out and set my feet upon the rock? I have not sought God's word for strength for over a week...even now as I open the bible and start seeking again, I feel the attraction of overeating fade away again. I feel the rock under my feet. Calorie counting or no calorie counting...this is a crucial part of me staying on track.
God, please speaking to me
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Day 63 - The roller coaster
Why does everything have to be such a roller coaster. I feel like the ink isn't even dry on the page so to speak before I am experiencing some other emotion, some different level of suffering etc..
Earlier this week (Wed) I was sitting in out bible study group and my mind was just not on the conversation. We are in the midst of a study on relationships and my biggest and most difficult relationship right now is with an activity and a thing, not a person. All of a sudden it dawned on me...I don't think I am suppose to be counting calories every day and anticipating the number on the scale every day. These are good tools to guide me in my journey but I got stuck this week. I so easily slip into dependence on the calorie counting and the scale sliding downward. I get so easily tricked into these 2 things being my barometer of success...I was very obsessed over the last week or so about exactly what I was eating and what that number was going to be when I stepped on the scale. When I counted my calories...I was very focused on the failure, not the success. When that number did not move...I immediately labeled my efforts since the last weigh in as failure...this failure mentality is part of what is holding me back. I want to focus on the success I am having...why is it much easier to hold on to the negative...the positive thoughts and feelings slip away so easily but the negative digs in and has to be chipped away at little by little.
The interesting thing I experienced this week when I stopped counting for a few days...I stepped on the scale and last another 1 1/2 pounds. Its hard not to want to count every calorie and make sure that I am not eating even 1 more calorie than necessary and try to guess in my mind how many pounds the scale is going to say at the end of the week. Its hard not to use the fat free and low calorie food as a trick to allow myself more food. I have incorporated some reduced sugar and low cal foods into my diet but I can see how it does feed my addictive nature...if I choose this milk...I can eat more cereal or if I use this butter, I can use twice as much etc..
I am so confused at times about what exactly I should be focused on...it seems to change from week to week. The vacillation between the strict calorie counting formula and the fluidity of eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full is wearing on me.
I just need a direction...please pray that for me those of you who may still be reading this...I am hearing so many different messages and I am having no clarity as to which ones are the ones I am supposed to be listening to...its exhausting and distracting.
What I do know is that the word of God, in addition to your very encouraging comments, has been a source of peace, strength, clarity and direction so I am back..seeking and studying. I know that God has lots more to show me about this struggle and in his mercy, is giving me some weight loss along the way to keep me encouraged. There is still so much left to learn. I ready Psalm 25 again today...I love this Psalm..teach me!!! Make me know your ways...lead me in your truth..be gracious to me for I am afflicted, the troubles of my heart are enlarged..bring me out of my distress...deliver me!!!
Earlier this week (Wed) I was sitting in out bible study group and my mind was just not on the conversation. We are in the midst of a study on relationships and my biggest and most difficult relationship right now is with an activity and a thing, not a person. All of a sudden it dawned on me...I don't think I am suppose to be counting calories every day and anticipating the number on the scale every day. These are good tools to guide me in my journey but I got stuck this week. I so easily slip into dependence on the calorie counting and the scale sliding downward. I get so easily tricked into these 2 things being my barometer of success...I was very obsessed over the last week or so about exactly what I was eating and what that number was going to be when I stepped on the scale. When I counted my calories...I was very focused on the failure, not the success. When that number did not move...I immediately labeled my efforts since the last weigh in as failure...this failure mentality is part of what is holding me back. I want to focus on the success I am having...why is it much easier to hold on to the negative...the positive thoughts and feelings slip away so easily but the negative digs in and has to be chipped away at little by little.
The interesting thing I experienced this week when I stopped counting for a few days...I stepped on the scale and last another 1 1/2 pounds. Its hard not to want to count every calorie and make sure that I am not eating even 1 more calorie than necessary and try to guess in my mind how many pounds the scale is going to say at the end of the week. Its hard not to use the fat free and low calorie food as a trick to allow myself more food. I have incorporated some reduced sugar and low cal foods into my diet but I can see how it does feed my addictive nature...if I choose this milk...I can eat more cereal or if I use this butter, I can use twice as much etc..
I am so confused at times about what exactly I should be focused on...it seems to change from week to week. The vacillation between the strict calorie counting formula and the fluidity of eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full is wearing on me.
I just need a direction...please pray that for me those of you who may still be reading this...I am hearing so many different messages and I am having no clarity as to which ones are the ones I am supposed to be listening to...its exhausting and distracting.
What I do know is that the word of God, in addition to your very encouraging comments, has been a source of peace, strength, clarity and direction so I am back..seeking and studying. I know that God has lots more to show me about this struggle and in his mercy, is giving me some weight loss along the way to keep me encouraged. There is still so much left to learn. I ready Psalm 25 again today...I love this Psalm..teach me!!! Make me know your ways...lead me in your truth..be gracious to me for I am afflicted, the troubles of my heart are enlarged..bring me out of my distress...deliver me!!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Day 58 - Losing Momentum
I feel like its been so long since my last post. Since then, the scale has not moved. I ate well last week with a few days over my 2000 calorie limit but i didn't think much of it until I stepped on the scale and saw no progress. My reaction to this?? At first I shrugged it off, thinking I am doing great and I am not a slave to the scale..who is my God here...and it turns out that the scale is still controlling me fairly deeply. I am still looking to weight loss as my barometer. I sunk a little bit emotionally within 24 hours of stepping on it. I got a bit discouraged..then I overate for 2 days. I could say why do I do this but I know why. I have identified the patterns and at least some of the reasons I react this way..can I do much to stop the downward spiral...I am still struggling with this...I want to change my body so desperately..God, do you know this..do you know that I really want to be free of carrying around this weight..of looking in the mirror and hating what I see..of running after Daniel and hurting...of taking so many medications and feeling so uncomfortable when summer rolls around...I am so sick of this aspect of the struggle..the condition of my body...not seeing even 1 pound gone after a week of suffering through hunger makes me very sad.
Remind me again why I am doing this..why I am taking it slow and going from the inside out...why weight loss should not be my primary goal? Why is it that one plateau week or 2 overshadows all the great work and progress I have experienced so far. Its maddening that I do this to myself.
What I am recognizing is that ever since the 40 days were up..I stopped reading, searching, praying, seeking every day...I am loosing momentum and I am noticing that I am all of a sudden lacking strength to resist temptation..I am experiencing more resentment about having to remain hungry. I am nibbling here and there more..the old patterns are ready and waiting in the wings to sneak back onto the stage and make their presence known.
I have to fight through this...I have tasted freedom from this..why is that taste not enough to keep me moving toward it...why are my old pattern still so comforting?
Remind me again why I am doing this..why I am taking it slow and going from the inside out...why weight loss should not be my primary goal? Why is it that one plateau week or 2 overshadows all the great work and progress I have experienced so far. Its maddening that I do this to myself.
What I am recognizing is that ever since the 40 days were up..I stopped reading, searching, praying, seeking every day...I am loosing momentum and I am noticing that I am all of a sudden lacking strength to resist temptation..I am experiencing more resentment about having to remain hungry. I am nibbling here and there more..the old patterns are ready and waiting in the wings to sneak back onto the stage and make their presence known.
I have to fight through this...I have tasted freedom from this..why is that taste not enough to keep me moving toward it...why are my old pattern still so comforting?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Day 49 - Pinching myself
Well...stepped on the scale yesterday...I have lost 16 pounds!!!!!! I have this real weird relationship with the scale. I really want to know what it has to say but I do what I can to avoid stepping on it....it has some wicked power over me just like food...The number I see could make or break me for days or even weeks afterwards. I am pretty sure I need it to help measure...kind of like how my glucometer measures where I am with my blood sugar. It does help me step out of destructive behaviors..as I see the weight go up..its a meter of sorts to tell me how to adjust my eating....I have to deny the urges to step on it everyday...I can go into a dependence on it in a split second...as long as it remains a tool and not my God...it will stay a part of this process.
So, now for the most remarkable progress...I was at Directbuy yesterday..you know..a Saturday...with the donut box there like a paid employee..doing its job to temp and destroy!! I was ok all morning..passing by repeatedly and trying to muster up a "laughing" attitude. Then lunch approached and I realized that I did not bring anything. It was too busy to run out, maybe I will order a sandwich...oops, I gave Ken all my money last night. There I was without the tools to eat well...all I had for fuel was a vending machine in the warehouse full of snacks and...yes, the box of donuts!!!
I was going to try to make it til 4pm when I could get something on the way home but this is a problem because A. I will be over hungry and my blood sugar will be low...I will overeat! B. It messes up my schedule for the rest of the day..eat on the way home..not hungry for dinner..then ravenous around 8pm...I will overeat!!! So what is my best option...my thoughts went back to the donuts...ok, exactly how bad is a donut. I know its full of sugar but let me just see what the nutritional value is...so I went online and discovered that 1 boston creme donut is about 240 calories. I looked at my calorie count for the day...I actually can eat this donut as my lunch and it will fit in with my calorie content for the day. Are donuts actually the enemy or is it really the desire to indulge..the love of the act of losing control and stuffing my face full of donuts?
OK, I am going to do this...I went and got a napkin and opened the box...there they were in all their glory. Should I be doing this, I thought am I throwing all of my progress out the window...something was nudging me forward and it didn't seem like greed or gluttony...I chose a plump and delicious looking boston creme and went and sat down. I did nothing else while I enjoyed the donut piece by piece...savoring every bite. I was a bit unsure if this would send me off the deep end into a binge but I went ahead anyway, trusting that this was ok and finished it up. Knowing that this was my chosen lunch. I got up and went about my day.
Guess what...I did want another one but the craving was small and weak...almost a whisper...easy to deny....I think at that very moment, I conquered the box of donuts...after years of worshiping it and eating from it as if it was going to satisfy my desires..then weeks of wrestling with the denial of it as if it was the enemy and making the choice to suffer without it...I established this new relationship with it. It no longer has the power over me it once had. With my changed heart and my new found love of control and restraint...I can enjoy a donut here and there. It actual did fuel me enough to get home and eat a dinner with control and restraint..no binges and the temptation was barely even a blip on my radar...unbelievable...how amazing are you Lord...No food is unclean you say? I believe you...I believe that you give back to me threefold in unexpected ways that will completely blow my mind, all I have to do is trust you.
I was floating the rest of the day...it was a real victory...an unexpected one because I thought the evidence of the battle already won was the ability to walk by it daily and not move toward it and scarf 3 or 4 of them down in secret.
I am on an amazing path toward freedom. I sat in church today with emotion welling up in me as they read verses during worship that were just taylor made for me...I am feeling propelled forward just like I did through the process of adopting Daniel...through uncharted waters with a sense of confidence that the ground would just be there as I take each step...
What is God going to show me next... I am giddy with excitement and so so thankful.
So, now for the most remarkable progress...I was at Directbuy yesterday..you know..a Saturday...with the donut box there like a paid employee..doing its job to temp and destroy!! I was ok all morning..passing by repeatedly and trying to muster up a "laughing" attitude. Then lunch approached and I realized that I did not bring anything. It was too busy to run out, maybe I will order a sandwich...oops, I gave Ken all my money last night. There I was without the tools to eat well...all I had for fuel was a vending machine in the warehouse full of snacks and...yes, the box of donuts!!!
I was going to try to make it til 4pm when I could get something on the way home but this is a problem because A. I will be over hungry and my blood sugar will be low...I will overeat! B. It messes up my schedule for the rest of the day..eat on the way home..not hungry for dinner..then ravenous around 8pm...I will overeat!!! So what is my best option...my thoughts went back to the donuts...ok, exactly how bad is a donut. I know its full of sugar but let me just see what the nutritional value is...so I went online and discovered that 1 boston creme donut is about 240 calories. I looked at my calorie count for the day...I actually can eat this donut as my lunch and it will fit in with my calorie content for the day. Are donuts actually the enemy or is it really the desire to indulge..the love of the act of losing control and stuffing my face full of donuts?
OK, I am going to do this...I went and got a napkin and opened the box...there they were in all their glory. Should I be doing this, I thought am I throwing all of my progress out the window...something was nudging me forward and it didn't seem like greed or gluttony...I chose a plump and delicious looking boston creme and went and sat down. I did nothing else while I enjoyed the donut piece by piece...savoring every bite. I was a bit unsure if this would send me off the deep end into a binge but I went ahead anyway, trusting that this was ok and finished it up. Knowing that this was my chosen lunch. I got up and went about my day.
Guess what...I did want another one but the craving was small and weak...almost a whisper...easy to deny....I think at that very moment, I conquered the box of donuts...after years of worshiping it and eating from it as if it was going to satisfy my desires..then weeks of wrestling with the denial of it as if it was the enemy and making the choice to suffer without it...I established this new relationship with it. It no longer has the power over me it once had. With my changed heart and my new found love of control and restraint...I can enjoy a donut here and there. It actual did fuel me enough to get home and eat a dinner with control and restraint..no binges and the temptation was barely even a blip on my radar...unbelievable...how amazing are you Lord...No food is unclean you say? I believe you...I believe that you give back to me threefold in unexpected ways that will completely blow my mind, all I have to do is trust you.
I was floating the rest of the day...it was a real victory...an unexpected one because I thought the evidence of the battle already won was the ability to walk by it daily and not move toward it and scarf 3 or 4 of them down in secret.
I am on an amazing path toward freedom. I sat in church today with emotion welling up in me as they read verses during worship that were just taylor made for me...I am feeling propelled forward just like I did through the process of adopting Daniel...through uncharted waters with a sense of confidence that the ground would just be there as I take each step...
What is God going to show me next... I am giddy with excitement and so so thankful.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Day 46 - Still working at this
Been thinking about this concept of craving the act of indulging more than the actual food. Now that I am aware of this, I really see how much I have been a pleasure seeker...not that I didn't see this or know this about myself...I just see it a little more clearly...how self-indulgent I have always been...I say this like I am now, done, with being self-indulgent...I am laughing here!
I can see the episodes where I would really binge..letting go of all restraint..planning it..looking forward to it...Sometimes it would sneak up on me disguised as hunger. Other times it would be a planned event. The binge would start with a calming effect...as I would just eat without caring how much I was eating...the pleasure it would bring me..the act of totally giving in..totally enjoying the taste and texture of the food...letting go of all restraint and control..knowing that I could eat until I was stuffed..as much as I wanted..binges almost always would involve another activity like TV watching or driving etc..something to totally distract my thinking...I didn't really want to focus on the eating...I just wanted to experience it.
Then, at some point throughout the binge...or after the binge..I mean at some point you just stop...I do not remember what would make me stop...I guess I would wake up from my gluttonous stupor and the fear would set in..what have I done...not again...then the downward spiral of bad feelings, the self-loathing etc..The God I had chosen during those binges was not a faithful god...it was a deceiving one...one that promised sweet release...the freedom of the moment with Hell to pay afterward...why was I held down for so long...I was kept in that prison for most of my childhood and adulthood.
You know what the prison is now that I toy with? Why am I not losing weight faster. I want the scale to be my guide as to how I am doing...I want to be on it every day...maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring it into my home. I believe that it is a good tool but an easy one to distort.
The suffering through hunger on a daily basis is still so hard...sometimes I win that battle, sometimes i lose it. The end of the day seems to be the hardest time.James 5:7 & 8 remind me to be patient in the midst of suffering because the Lord is drawing near. He uses the farmer reference..waiting for the land to yield its crop...I am waiting for this body to get smaller...its so hard to be patient through this process. I want to see the big outward changes. I want everyone to see the evidence of my battle. Why are the internal changes not enough for me...they are huge.
I know that there is more work that needs to be done on me on the inside...I am sooooo impatient. What I do know is that..if I do not let God continue refining me the way he wants to...any weight I do lose has absolutely no chance of staying off...Keep refining me Lord.
I can see the episodes where I would really binge..letting go of all restraint..planning it..looking forward to it...Sometimes it would sneak up on me disguised as hunger. Other times it would be a planned event. The binge would start with a calming effect...as I would just eat without caring how much I was eating...the pleasure it would bring me..the act of totally giving in..totally enjoying the taste and texture of the food...letting go of all restraint and control..knowing that I could eat until I was stuffed..as much as I wanted..binges almost always would involve another activity like TV watching or driving etc..something to totally distract my thinking...I didn't really want to focus on the eating...I just wanted to experience it.
Then, at some point throughout the binge...or after the binge..I mean at some point you just stop...I do not remember what would make me stop...I guess I would wake up from my gluttonous stupor and the fear would set in..what have I done...not again...then the downward spiral of bad feelings, the self-loathing etc..The God I had chosen during those binges was not a faithful god...it was a deceiving one...one that promised sweet release...the freedom of the moment with Hell to pay afterward...why was I held down for so long...I was kept in that prison for most of my childhood and adulthood.
You know what the prison is now that I toy with? Why am I not losing weight faster. I want the scale to be my guide as to how I am doing...I want to be on it every day...maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring it into my home. I believe that it is a good tool but an easy one to distort.
The suffering through hunger on a daily basis is still so hard...sometimes I win that battle, sometimes i lose it. The end of the day seems to be the hardest time.James 5:7 & 8 remind me to be patient in the midst of suffering because the Lord is drawing near. He uses the farmer reference..waiting for the land to yield its crop...I am waiting for this body to get smaller...its so hard to be patient through this process. I want to see the big outward changes. I want everyone to see the evidence of my battle. Why are the internal changes not enough for me...they are huge.
I know that there is more work that needs to be done on me on the inside...I am sooooo impatient. What I do know is that..if I do not let God continue refining me the way he wants to...any weight I do lose has absolutely no chance of staying off...Keep refining me Lord.
Monday, March 16, 2009
What the @^%*)$
I have another urinary tract infection. The title expresses my level of frustration!!!!! I immediately wanted to anesthetize myself with something sweet...why do I do this? I have not indulged....
Help me!!!
Help me!!!
Day 43 - Some More Insight
I realized something new yesterday. As I was headed towards the grocery store, I got a craving for a cadbury egg. I love them..the milk chocolate outside with that creamy egg inside. But, my craving was not just to taste one, my craving was to eat many..like I knew I would not be satisfied with just one. If I was going to eat them..it would definitely be like 3 or 4.
I realized that what I was really craving was the experience of overeating. The experience of totally giving in to what my flesh wanted.It went way beyond taste. It was the sinful act of gluttony I was after.
I didn't eat any eggs but it was very cool to see more of the beast I was fighting against. I did slightly overeat yesterday...it is much harder when I am at home on the weekends to stay vigilant.
I realized that what I was really craving was the experience of overeating. The experience of totally giving in to what my flesh wanted.It went way beyond taste. It was the sinful act of gluttony I was after.
I didn't eat any eggs but it was very cool to see more of the beast I was fighting against. I did slightly overeat yesterday...it is much harder when I am at home on the weekends to stay vigilant.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Day 42 - After the Dinner Event
I went to get the dessert yesterday and I almost got 2 of them...I was deliberating "if I get cake maybe someone doesn't like cake so I will get a cake and a pie etc...I just got a cake...a small one. I have to stop over-buying. The cake ended up being eaten by all with some left over. I froze when our hostess asked me to take the rest home. Luckily another guest offered to take the rest..whew, dodged that bullet!
Dinner went well...I ate very good portions and did not indulge in the appetizers put out before dinner. There was great conversation...The food was wonderful but it was not the focus of my evening. Still learning and still growing in my strength to resist..this was a little victory.
Dinner went well...I ate very good portions and did not indulge in the appetizers put out before dinner. There was great conversation...The food was wonderful but it was not the focus of my evening. Still learning and still growing in my strength to resist..this was a little victory.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Day 41 Day to Day Suffering
I believe that God is asking me to embrace the suffering that comes along with being hungry. It is real suffering for me. It is hard work to stay vigilant. Got invited to dinner tonight and then asked to bring dessert...funny! I am doing something different this morning...I am planning my food day to work in a potential dessert...that means no mistakes today...can I do it?
This will be hard but I do have the power to chose who I will follow today. I think I will call for prayer...I need to be prayed up today.
This will be hard but I do have the power to chose who I will follow today. I think I will call for prayer...I need to be prayed up today.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Day 40 - What is there left to say?
Its day 40 and I really wanted to mark this day with a day of perfect eating...which means some suffering. So far, so good...but I am HUUUNNNGGGRRRRYYYY! I still do not like this feeling. It makes me nervous and irritable...it is truly a battle...I think there is alot more to say and explore...I am going to keep this journal going..not every day but a commitment to at least a few entries a week...thank you prayer circle..for your support and faithfulness and for holding me up in prayer...it has been a very important part propelling me forward...please feel free to continue to check in with me on my journey...I appreciate any prayer you send my way...
More to come!
More to come!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Day 39 - A study of Addiction
Its the morning before the 40th day...whats left, I ask myself...I made the decision that I set out to make...why keep doing this? Because the quest has just begun...I still need to learn to eat even less food. I still need to learn to make the right choice every time and not be led by my emotions or the circumstances of the day. There are so many little jewels of insight yet to come and I am hungry for it...oops gotta go..more later!
Here it is the end of the day....Had a good day today.... ate about 2200 calories..seems to be where I am hovering. I am going to go to bed empty and hungry. The hunger is hard...I just feel compelled to fill it...I hate the convincing arguments I hear in my head..why it would be ok to eat...it is such a lie...one that I often come close to believing.
I was recently in a discussion about addiction with my counselor that I have been seeing for years. I started seeing him back when I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship in 1990. I accepted Jesus right there together with him in his office in Quakertown and my life has never been the same since. He has been the vessel that God has used for so much healing in my life...He as become a life coach and a spiritual father to me over the years...he broke it down for me...
3 parts to an addiction struggle:
Body (or physical), Soul (emotional) and spiritual (part that is in constant contact with God)
The physical part of it is my appetite, the habits that I have formed over the years and my genetic predisposition to struggle with obesity. I have spent years setting the neuropathways to overeat...I have let my appetite get out of control and now it is larger than life...way beyond what I need to live. The problem with surgery, for me, is that it would restrict the amount of food I could take in at one time but would do little to change my appetite..the habit to overeat would make it an excruciating experience. I think to really change your appetite or your habitual behaviors, you need to address the second part of the struggle...the psyche...which is my thought life and attitude toward food...I need to disconnect my warped emotional connection to food. Once I realized that I need to tap into the emotional struggle before the physical would really change...I realized something else..that there was so much to unwrap...I wasn't sure who I had let be in control of my emotions and who or what was influencing them. I needed to correct the spiritual leading of my heart or nothing would ever be accomplished. I was open to anyone or anything that was willing or attractive and wanted to lead me...I had to make a choice of who to serve in my heart...I had to really believe that the Lord's leading has so much power in it..power for good and freedom. Do I hear God's voice regulating my intake of food at every meal..not yet but I am moving in that direction...this journey has increased my sensitivity to the voice and the power
This must be what it feels like to be sober from alcohol or clean from a drug habit...an awakening from a scary lifestyle but knowing that you are one wrong step away from destruction...I know that I am one bite away from disobedience and the consequences of it...I will get stronger and I won't feel this close to the edge someday...can't wait for that day!
Here it is the end of the day....Had a good day today.... ate about 2200 calories..seems to be where I am hovering. I am going to go to bed empty and hungry. The hunger is hard...I just feel compelled to fill it...I hate the convincing arguments I hear in my head..why it would be ok to eat...it is such a lie...one that I often come close to believing.
I was recently in a discussion about addiction with my counselor that I have been seeing for years. I started seeing him back when I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship in 1990. I accepted Jesus right there together with him in his office in Quakertown and my life has never been the same since. He has been the vessel that God has used for so much healing in my life...He as become a life coach and a spiritual father to me over the years...he broke it down for me...
3 parts to an addiction struggle:
Body (or physical), Soul (emotional) and spiritual (part that is in constant contact with God)
The physical part of it is my appetite, the habits that I have formed over the years and my genetic predisposition to struggle with obesity. I have spent years setting the neuropathways to overeat...I have let my appetite get out of control and now it is larger than life...way beyond what I need to live. The problem with surgery, for me, is that it would restrict the amount of food I could take in at one time but would do little to change my appetite..the habit to overeat would make it an excruciating experience. I think to really change your appetite or your habitual behaviors, you need to address the second part of the struggle...the psyche...which is my thought life and attitude toward food...I need to disconnect my warped emotional connection to food. Once I realized that I need to tap into the emotional struggle before the physical would really change...I realized something else..that there was so much to unwrap...I wasn't sure who I had let be in control of my emotions and who or what was influencing them. I needed to correct the spiritual leading of my heart or nothing would ever be accomplished. I was open to anyone or anything that was willing or attractive and wanted to lead me...I had to make a choice of who to serve in my heart...I had to really believe that the Lord's leading has so much power in it..power for good and freedom. Do I hear God's voice regulating my intake of food at every meal..not yet but I am moving in that direction...this journey has increased my sensitivity to the voice and the power
This must be what it feels like to be sober from alcohol or clean from a drug habit...an awakening from a scary lifestyle but knowing that you are one wrong step away from destruction...I know that I am one bite away from disobedience and the consequences of it...I will get stronger and I won't feel this close to the edge someday...can't wait for that day!
Day 38 The Awakening
As I approach the end of what I committed to...this 40 day journey, I realize that I many miles to go before I am truly free of this struggle...this addiction...will I ever truly be free? This started out as a quest to find the answer to a life changing question..surgery or no surgery? I asked for clarity, knowledge and strength...I got all that I asked for and then some...isn't that just like God.
The answer to my question? Clearly, God has something exciting to show me about food and weight loss. He has equipped me with the strength and power to eat less and the clarity to see what I have done wrong all these years...the clarity to see the struggle on so many different levels..am I smaller...yes, my body is actually smaller than when I started...a few pounds lost...the real weight that has been lifted off me is the despair and the years of failure...the overstuffed body and heart..the mind full of fear over this and the strong voice of food has been overshadowed by the stronger voice of control and restraint...sounds like I have arrived, doesn't it? Hardly...the joy and freedom that I have now is just a small glimpse of what is to come. As I keep growing and learning and seeking, I truly believe that the weight will come off...I have never truly believed this in any diet I have ever tried. As the weight came off in each diet I tried...I would throw it in the sack I still had over my shoulder...ready to put it back on at any moment....This time, I have dropped the sack...I am just not willing to carry it all around with me any more.
Oh yea, the answer is...no surgery...not now. It would just be another prison for me...another way to take this journey into my own hands...The surgery would certainly take off the weight but would I be putting it in the sack on my back? Surgery is a good tool to regain health...I believe that God has a better tool for me. Did you ever need to nail something into a wall and you just couldn't find a hammer so you use the back of a flashlight or something else heavy that you know will do the trick but isn't the real tool to get the job done? In your impatience to get the job done you decide not to go look for the hammer, the flashlight should do the trick. The nail goes in but it's crooked and breaks the wall around it and you have trouble actually getting it in to the wall..if you had the real secret, the hammer..the nail would drive in perfectly..silly analogy but this picture just came to me...I am in the search for the hammer, knowing and believing that it will do the job right...
Busy day today but I ate well.....getting prayed up as we speak and setting my focus for tomorrow.
Read Matthew 6 earlier today , the tail end..Treasures in Heaven and Do Not Worry passages...lots of good stuff. I am storing up way less earthly treasures...leaving room in my body and heart for the real treasure. I have served the master of food for so long. Matthew 6 24 says that no one can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other or he will be devoted to one and despise the other...I never saw this more clearly than I do now...I see who I was serving every time I opened that box of donuts...every time I believed that message that I heard in my head to go indulge..oh, the clarity...thanks to the God I choose now.
The answer to my question? Clearly, God has something exciting to show me about food and weight loss. He has equipped me with the strength and power to eat less and the clarity to see what I have done wrong all these years...the clarity to see the struggle on so many different levels..am I smaller...yes, my body is actually smaller than when I started...a few pounds lost...the real weight that has been lifted off me is the despair and the years of failure...the overstuffed body and heart..the mind full of fear over this and the strong voice of food has been overshadowed by the stronger voice of control and restraint...sounds like I have arrived, doesn't it? Hardly...the joy and freedom that I have now is just a small glimpse of what is to come. As I keep growing and learning and seeking, I truly believe that the weight will come off...I have never truly believed this in any diet I have ever tried. As the weight came off in each diet I tried...I would throw it in the sack I still had over my shoulder...ready to put it back on at any moment....This time, I have dropped the sack...I am just not willing to carry it all around with me any more.
Oh yea, the answer is...no surgery...not now. It would just be another prison for me...another way to take this journey into my own hands...The surgery would certainly take off the weight but would I be putting it in the sack on my back? Surgery is a good tool to regain health...I believe that God has a better tool for me. Did you ever need to nail something into a wall and you just couldn't find a hammer so you use the back of a flashlight or something else heavy that you know will do the trick but isn't the real tool to get the job done? In your impatience to get the job done you decide not to go look for the hammer, the flashlight should do the trick. The nail goes in but it's crooked and breaks the wall around it and you have trouble actually getting it in to the wall..if you had the real secret, the hammer..the nail would drive in perfectly..silly analogy but this picture just came to me...I am in the search for the hammer, knowing and believing that it will do the job right...
Busy day today but I ate well.....getting prayed up as we speak and setting my focus for tomorrow.
Read Matthew 6 earlier today , the tail end..Treasures in Heaven and Do Not Worry passages...lots of good stuff. I am storing up way less earthly treasures...leaving room in my body and heart for the real treasure. I have served the master of food for so long. Matthew 6 24 says that no one can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other or he will be devoted to one and despise the other...I never saw this more clearly than I do now...I see who I was serving every time I opened that box of donuts...every time I believed that message that I heard in my head to go indulge..oh, the clarity...thanks to the God I choose now.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Day 37 - A recap of yesteday and today
Was I ever wrong!!! Yesterday ended up being a day full of control and restraint..hallelujah! Again, I am seeing a quick bounce back...evidence that I am truly changing...I am choosing a different God to worship and he is a God of mercy...one who knows my every need.
Ate about 2200 calories yesterday...easily...allowed myself to feel hunger at different points throughout the day without immediately trying to get rid of the feeling by eating frantically. I really think that the powers that used to control this area of my life are trying desperately to get me to sink back into old familiar behaviors...even a few months ago...I would have slipped easily back into stuffing myself and eating out of control. I would have said..oh, what's the difference or this will never change o just eat to quiet the temptation really believing that I could not overcome.
40 days to a new perspective...who would have thought. I am sort of keeping a list of foods I eat from day to day and its not a burden..it is a tool...I am choosing to suffer without indulging...this has brought me such clarity and insight...I am identifying aspects of this struggle more clearly than ever before...this is a huge blessing...I am choosing to eat less food and taking control instead of being controlled...this new strength is an amazing gift.
Breakfast is always hard...I really have to suffer through the strong desire to eat in the morning more than most other times....I feel like I could eat 3 times as much as I ate this morning and as I sit here and write...the temptation is very strong.
Read Psalm 121 today...My Help Comes From The Lord...it says "he will not let your foot be moved"..he will "keep my life...my going out and my coming in" I really feel this...especially when I have veered off the path through this 40 day journey...I feel like he is setting me straight again, quickly...he is not missing a beat with me...always being watchful so I do not take a wrong step...I have never felt this incredible support...its always been there for me...I never made the choice to use it...now that I have tasted this morsel of freedom...I can not imagine going back to trying to move mountains in my own strength and wisdom...my "going out" episodes consisted of floundering around...putting my hope in the diet of the moment sucking up mounds of time and money..ending in devastation and despair...now they consist of a small misstep...then large loving hands scooping my up and setting me on the right path again...thank you, Jesus!
Ate about 2200 calories yesterday...easily...allowed myself to feel hunger at different points throughout the day without immediately trying to get rid of the feeling by eating frantically. I really think that the powers that used to control this area of my life are trying desperately to get me to sink back into old familiar behaviors...even a few months ago...I would have slipped easily back into stuffing myself and eating out of control. I would have said..oh, what's the difference or this will never change o just eat to quiet the temptation really believing that I could not overcome.
40 days to a new perspective...who would have thought. I am sort of keeping a list of foods I eat from day to day and its not a burden..it is a tool...I am choosing to suffer without indulging...this has brought me such clarity and insight...I am identifying aspects of this struggle more clearly than ever before...this is a huge blessing...I am choosing to eat less food and taking control instead of being controlled...this new strength is an amazing gift.
Breakfast is always hard...I really have to suffer through the strong desire to eat in the morning more than most other times....I feel like I could eat 3 times as much as I ate this morning and as I sit here and write...the temptation is very strong.
Read Psalm 121 today...My Help Comes From The Lord...it says "he will not let your foot be moved"..he will "keep my life...my going out and my coming in" I really feel this...especially when I have veered off the path through this 40 day journey...I feel like he is setting me straight again, quickly...he is not missing a beat with me...always being watchful so I do not take a wrong step...I have never felt this incredible support...its always been there for me...I never made the choice to use it...now that I have tasted this morsel of freedom...I can not imagine going back to trying to move mountains in my own strength and wisdom...my "going out" episodes consisted of floundering around...putting my hope in the diet of the moment sucking up mounds of time and money..ending in devastation and despair...now they consist of a small misstep...then large loving hands scooping my up and setting me on the right path again...thank you, Jesus!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Day 36 - The morning after
Well, The evidence of the food fest this past weekend didn't really show up until the day after. We got back on Saturday night and then went to bed fairly early because I was so exhausted. Sunday, woke up and just grazed the entire day...it was as if I had not learned a thing in 35 days...I tried applying the things I have learned but it was weak attempts...I just wanted to fill up with food yesterday.
It was interesting to see myself give into temptation the day after I was in the presence of such strong triggers. I should have expected it...it blindsided me. I felt like I was satisfying all the desires I had felt to eat the 2 days before...a delayed reaction...another evil and crafty sideswipe from this addiction. I felt something I hadn't felt in awhile...I was stuffed at several points throughout Sunday...I hated the feeling.
I guess God is revealing, again, another aspect of this struggle for me. I was not terribly concerned while I was at the retreat but I should have been. I should have been prepared for fall-out but instead, I was pretending that the food was not THAT important. I should have been prayed up more and shared how I was feeling on Sunday, early in the day...I get so sick of sharing this struggle as if people are saying.."OH, enough with the food...just get over it already"
Last night, I was going to go up to bed with Ken but stayed down to finish a tv program I had recorded. after about 20 minutes, he came to the top of the stairs and called to me. I shut off the tv and went up...it was like his voice snapped me out of a trance. I remembered who I really wanted to follow and took myself out of the temptation of the dark living room late at night with a kitchen next door and a tv to allow mindless eating...a huge trigger spot.
I am going to have to keep choosing my environments wisely...I might have to come late and leave early or not put my self in them at all.
Please pray as it is now Monday, I ate cereal (equivalent of 2 servings) and a small roll with butter..this was all out of craving not hunger...its going to be a difficult day.
It was interesting to see myself give into temptation the day after I was in the presence of such strong triggers. I should have expected it...it blindsided me. I felt like I was satisfying all the desires I had felt to eat the 2 days before...a delayed reaction...another evil and crafty sideswipe from this addiction. I felt something I hadn't felt in awhile...I was stuffed at several points throughout Sunday...I hated the feeling.
I guess God is revealing, again, another aspect of this struggle for me. I was not terribly concerned while I was at the retreat but I should have been. I should have been prepared for fall-out but instead, I was pretending that the food was not THAT important. I should have been prayed up more and shared how I was feeling on Sunday, early in the day...I get so sick of sharing this struggle as if people are saying.."OH, enough with the food...just get over it already"
Last night, I was going to go up to bed with Ken but stayed down to finish a tv program I had recorded. after about 20 minutes, he came to the top of the stairs and called to me. I shut off the tv and went up...it was like his voice snapped me out of a trance. I remembered who I really wanted to follow and took myself out of the temptation of the dark living room late at night with a kitchen next door and a tv to allow mindless eating...a huge trigger spot.
I am going to have to keep choosing my environments wisely...I might have to come late and leave early or not put my self in them at all.
Please pray as it is now Monday, I ate cereal (equivalent of 2 servings) and a small roll with butter..this was all out of craving not hunger...its going to be a difficult day.
Day 34 & 35 - The Retreat
Got to the retreat Fri night and yes, was greeted instantly with temptation. They were giving out little bags of candy with our retreat materials...I had to laugh, It was like handing out a small bag of cigarettes or a couple cans of beer sweetly wrapped with a ribbon...here, just in case you are not tempted enough with the mounds of food that will be served this weekend, here is a little tempting snack you can indulge in while in the secret of your own room!!!
Do I sound bitter? I am not, really...I know that this is my personal struggle and most of the world would find this little bag of candy a nice little gesture, as it was meant. I put it in the drawer in my room...ate most of it throughout the weekend. At one point, though, I started eating the lollipop and remembered it tasting so much better than it did at that moment...I ended up throwing it away...not so lucky with the chocolate and the taffy that was in the bag...
Anyway, it was a nice weekend, full of fellowship with my sweet Bridge sisters, great music, excellent teaching...and very good food. I was impressed by the offerings. I made fairly good choices...the desserts were difficult to pass up so I didnt...left a few bites on my plate when I could. The meals didnt end up being a problem...it was the constant table of food in the back of the room. I saw it when I came in..I saw it when I left...I thought about it all day long in each session...I was looking forward and behind at the same time. A couple times I would turn around and catch glimpses of the food...and then, finally indulged a bit when it wore me down.
I was able to stay pretty vigilant and I feel pretty good about my level of control...I was able to keep myself empty enough so that I could hear the words that were being spoken. I was able to keep the "go indulge..it will taste really good" voices at a lower octave than the teaching voices...it did leave me a bit exhausted and spent...
What did I learn? I learned that..I have come far enough to choose to resist the voices of temptation most of the time..but I have also learned that it is really important not to be in environments where the triggers linger...I cant laugh in the face of temptation yet. I have a ways to go yet but I do think that the retreat experience was, for the most part, positive
Do I sound bitter? I am not, really...I know that this is my personal struggle and most of the world would find this little bag of candy a nice little gesture, as it was meant. I put it in the drawer in my room...ate most of it throughout the weekend. At one point, though, I started eating the lollipop and remembered it tasting so much better than it did at that moment...I ended up throwing it away...not so lucky with the chocolate and the taffy that was in the bag...
Anyway, it was a nice weekend, full of fellowship with my sweet Bridge sisters, great music, excellent teaching...and very good food. I was impressed by the offerings. I made fairly good choices...the desserts were difficult to pass up so I didnt...left a few bites on my plate when I could. The meals didnt end up being a problem...it was the constant table of food in the back of the room. I saw it when I came in..I saw it when I left...I thought about it all day long in each session...I was looking forward and behind at the same time. A couple times I would turn around and catch glimpses of the food...and then, finally indulged a bit when it wore me down.
I was able to stay pretty vigilant and I feel pretty good about my level of control...I was able to keep myself empty enough so that I could hear the words that were being spoken. I was able to keep the "go indulge..it will taste really good" voices at a lower octave than the teaching voices...it did leave me a bit exhausted and spent...
What did I learn? I learned that..I have come far enough to choose to resist the voices of temptation most of the time..but I have also learned that it is really important not to be in environments where the triggers linger...I cant laugh in the face of temptation yet. I have a ways to go yet but I do think that the retreat experience was, for the most part, positive
Friday, March 6, 2009
A tough Morning
Why am I so ravenous...Started to overeat this morning and stopped myself...its that "not lying to myself" thing...it kicked in, thank God. Anyway..packing up to leave not knowing what to expect...a bit nervous.
No computer access where we are going so, please pray and I will check in Sunday Morning.
No computer access where we are going so, please pray and I will check in Sunday Morning.
Day 33 - Leaving for the Wms Retreat
Stepped on the scale this morning and recorded my weight. This will be the jumping off point. I am going to weight myself every week or so. I thought about picking a day to weigh every week but I think I will just leave it open and see when I am led to "weigh in".
Wanted alot of food this morning...not sure why. Daniel was a little difficult this morning but nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe I am nervous about going to the women's retreat this weekend. I will be locked in to other peoples food choices...well, I don't really know what the foods will be like...this uncertainty is always terrifying...what if there are donuts!!! Well at least I have many of my pray circle with me. Carrying the burden of the constant food struggle are so distracting and annoying. I have never been able to go on one of these things and just let Jesus speak into my heart...there has always been a thick layer of food deadening the insight..I really need prayer to allow the emptiness to be filled by him, not the food this weekend. I think I have come along far enough in this journey to know that this is really possible...
In the past, I would often use a night away in a different environment to put the struggle aside..."just eat what you want this weekend or night or week and you will start fresh when you return...this is no longer acceptable...what a crock! The things I have told myself to allow the overeating to be permissible....and I believed myself easily...no challenging of thought or action...I do that now...I challenge myself...I have to stay vigilant and there is never a good reason to overeat for me...just like there is never a good reason for a smoker to say....just a quick puff. This doesn't mean that I can't have a dessert or snack...it just means that I have to make the right choices, consistently. We addicts are crafty...we need to be protected from ourselves...please pay that God would protect me from myself this weekend in a tempting environment to say "lets just pick this up when I get back"
I read Psalm 139 this morning..verse 2 "You know when I sit down and when I rise up You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with ALL MY WAYS! I can't fool you God, like I used to think I could...and thanks to your insight..I can not fool myself as easily either. Don't let me fall prey to my old self this weekend...my old nature still fights for a position in my heart.
Wanted alot of food this morning...not sure why. Daniel was a little difficult this morning but nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe I am nervous about going to the women's retreat this weekend. I will be locked in to other peoples food choices...well, I don't really know what the foods will be like...this uncertainty is always terrifying...what if there are donuts!!! Well at least I have many of my pray circle with me. Carrying the burden of the constant food struggle are so distracting and annoying. I have never been able to go on one of these things and just let Jesus speak into my heart...there has always been a thick layer of food deadening the insight..I really need prayer to allow the emptiness to be filled by him, not the food this weekend. I think I have come along far enough in this journey to know that this is really possible...
In the past, I would often use a night away in a different environment to put the struggle aside..."just eat what you want this weekend or night or week and you will start fresh when you return...this is no longer acceptable...what a crock! The things I have told myself to allow the overeating to be permissible....and I believed myself easily...no challenging of thought or action...I do that now...I challenge myself...I have to stay vigilant and there is never a good reason to overeat for me...just like there is never a good reason for a smoker to say....just a quick puff. This doesn't mean that I can't have a dessert or snack...it just means that I have to make the right choices, consistently. We addicts are crafty...we need to be protected from ourselves...please pay that God would protect me from myself this weekend in a tempting environment to say "lets just pick this up when I get back"
I read Psalm 139 this morning..verse 2 "You know when I sit down and when I rise up You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with ALL MY WAYS! I can't fool you God, like I used to think I could...and thanks to your insight..I can not fool myself as easily either. Don't let me fall prey to my old self this weekend...my old nature still fights for a position in my heart.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Day 32 - An Assessment
This morning I made myself 2 eggs on toast for breakfast. As I was eating it, I thought...I probably could have just made one egg and been satisfied. I did not feel anything telling me to stop as I ate both eggs but that thought did occur to me. Then I went online and did some research...let me see how many calories I should be taking in tio maintain my body weight and then to lose weight. It seems that most websites say I can not take in more than 2600 calories a day if I want to lose weight...probably more like 2200...thats the range depending on each websites idea of moderate activity...Whew, that sounds like alot of food! I then did a list of what I ate yesterday which was a good nomal day of eating (was able to resist the donuts that some "kind" soul brought to bible study last night...why, why must donuts follow me wherever I go...they haunt me and taunt me...cant laugh in the face of the box of donuts yet...Grrrr!)
Anyway, the solid list of "food I ate yesteday" showed a bottom line of 2678 calories...not bad! I was a bit tortured by temptation but not really hunger. In looking at this list of food, I can definately see where I can cut additional things out...a few pats of butter..cut down even more on portion size..make snacks even smaller etc..
Its good to be educated. This helps me...I have come so far but I still need to grow more..I still need more awareness and heart change...I dont want to get caught up in this calorie counting but I do need to use it as a tool...along with the scale...
Its cool to see how God is moving me gently into the next step of this control and restraint thing...slowly, as not to send me on a deprivation tail spin into old behaviors...I have no real deadline...the 40 day commitment I originally made to obtain clarity has given me that...and so much more.
Anyway, the solid list of "food I ate yesteday" showed a bottom line of 2678 calories...not bad! I was a bit tortured by temptation but not really hunger. In looking at this list of food, I can definately see where I can cut additional things out...a few pats of butter..cut down even more on portion size..make snacks even smaller etc..
Its good to be educated. This helps me...I have come so far but I still need to grow more..I still need more awareness and heart change...I dont want to get caught up in this calorie counting but I do need to use it as a tool...along with the scale...
Its cool to see how God is moving me gently into the next step of this control and restraint thing...slowly, as not to send me on a deprivation tail spin into old behaviors...I have no real deadline...the 40 day commitment I originally made to obtain clarity has given me that...and so much more.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Day 31 - Another Bounce Back
I sent an email to my client stating that there would be an additional discount last night. I had to get this off of my shoulders. It just wasn't worth the struggle anymore. I wasted another evening of unconscious eating over this...this is no longer worth it to me...even at a price as high as this one was. Cant save it...must choose integrity...must not make money my God and must believe that God has something better planned for me...moving on!
John 14 this morning...I am the way, the truth and the life...let not your hearts be troubled...I am preparing a place for you in my father's house...
I have a clear picture now of how a troubled heart leads to destruction and what that looks like for me...how the triggers wear me down. I wore that struggle way to long yesterday...I allowed it to wear me down...and finally indulged as if it was the satisfaction I was waiting for all day...it wasn't...it provided no satisfaction whatsoever...not even the taste was that good....when will I learn...well, I guess I continue to learn...please pray
John 14 this morning...I am the way, the truth and the life...let not your hearts be troubled...I am preparing a place for you in my father's house...
I have a clear picture now of how a troubled heart leads to destruction and what that looks like for me...how the triggers wear me down. I wore that struggle way to long yesterday...I allowed it to wear me down...and finally indulged as if it was the satisfaction I was waiting for all day...it wasn't...it provided no satisfaction whatsoever...not even the taste was that good....when will I learn...well, I guess I continue to learn...please pray
End of day decompression
Well, I made it through the day until evening when I just lost it and ate after Ken went to bed...I should have just gone up but I decided to stay and get some work done...or did I stay up to eat...Damn it...disappointed in myself.
Cant get passed the lost commission...I had a sense of entitlement to this money...I had it already owned...apparently it was never mine. ..need to let go.
We will see how I feel in the morning.
Cant get passed the lost commission...I had a sense of entitlement to this money...I had it already owned...apparently it was never mine. ..need to let go.
We will see how I feel in the morning.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Afternoon - You have got to be kidding me?
I had to go finalize an order today while Daniel was in preschool. I get to the store where I was going to place the order and saw she was having a sale that was lower than any sale she had ever had before. She was offering the product to the end user for the same as the wholesale price. I was devistated. I had spent months preparing this order based on the old prices so I could make a fare profit. Now, this store owner had zapped any chance of me making a profit on this sale at all. As we were writing up the order, I stopped listening to what she was saying and was trying to process this new fact. I decided to wait to place the order to see if there was anyway to gain some of the profit back before placing it. As I left, I heard the voices..."go eat, you should stop at Burger King and get something, it will make you feel better...the triggers started popping off one after another. It is unreal to me that this is still the message...satisfy your anger, pain, frustration with food...as if there is even an ounce of satisfaction in that past the taste...I see it so clearly now and I brace myself against it. I pick Daniel up, take him home and make lunch for us both. I am so angry at that store owner but what did she do wrong...she is just trying to make a living...so am I...my living was in her hands...or was it. I cant just charge the same price to my client and ignore this new sale..it would be wrong, even if she did not find out, I know and I do not want to chase a paycheck instead of honesty and righteousness...that would make money my God...this is painful...I was counting on that income, damn it! I want to soothe this angry beast with food so badly...I can see myself indulging and how good it would taste and feel but I need to resist...please pray that I would make the right choices here...I am angry and weak and frustrated...and hungry for what I thought I was going to get out of this deal.
Day 30 - The next step
Wow, I woke up this morning and just felt brighter...maybe its the reflection of all the white snow...can't wait for spring. I read Matthew 10: 26-27 "The Cost of Discipleship" this morning..If anyone does not hate his own life, he can not be my disciple..whoever doesn't carry his cross and follow me can not be my disciple..then he talks about building a tower and "Don't you first sit down and estimate the cost etc..
I am ready to really portion control my meals and make an actual attempt to lose this weight. I feel like I have the tools...the ability and reason to not eat to excess...can I do it? I feel like I spent time figuring the cost so to speak and I have never done that before. I decided to hate my past life and pick up my cross and follow Jesus. He led me in an interesting direction...I ate 2 pieces of toast this morning 4 oz of orange juice and a small bowl of cut up fruit. It was hard, I wanted more...alot more but it was enough to start my day...will this desire for more food ever end? I feel like my expressions yesterday were misleading and that wasn't a clear picture of where I am at...I am still struggling through this...meal by meal...I do, however, feel like instead of just eating what I want, when I want...I am ready to put the new tools and changed heart into real practice and try to change this body...is this wrong...is this desire to step into this kind of discipline a lack of trust...plenty of people diet...I just do not want to do anything that will stop me in my tracks...I want to keep moving ahead.
I am ready to really portion control my meals and make an actual attempt to lose this weight. I feel like I have the tools...the ability and reason to not eat to excess...can I do it? I feel like I spent time figuring the cost so to speak and I have never done that before. I decided to hate my past life and pick up my cross and follow Jesus. He led me in an interesting direction...I ate 2 pieces of toast this morning 4 oz of orange juice and a small bowl of cut up fruit. It was hard, I wanted more...alot more but it was enough to start my day...will this desire for more food ever end? I feel like my expressions yesterday were misleading and that wasn't a clear picture of where I am at...I am still struggling through this...meal by meal...I do, however, feel like instead of just eating what I want, when I want...I am ready to put the new tools and changed heart into real practice and try to change this body...is this wrong...is this desire to step into this kind of discipline a lack of trust...plenty of people diet...I just do not want to do anything that will stop me in my tracks...I want to keep moving ahead.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Day 28 & 29...Moving on
How nice of God to extend my birthday with an unexpected snow day! After a few changes in antibiotics and some much needed rest...I feel like I can move on now...my head and chest are much clearer and so is my Urinary tract (Sorry for the graphic picture, those that are reading!) but its a happy day!
Made some french toast this morning...it was so good...actually put butter in the pan and sprinkled a little powdered sugar after the syrup on top. I reminded me of Loeschels in HAtboro. A great breakfast place. I think one of the keys to eating in moderation will be to continue to eat really good food. I could have eaten alot more this morning and I would have in the past. I might have eaten a piece as I was cooking it...or hoped that Daniel didn't finish his...My focus was on sitting down and savoring each bite...I stopped before I was stuffed...just pleasantly full.
It occured to me while I was cooking that the fear I felt as I thought or ate food is not driving this process anymore. I am actually getting excited about the opportunity to eat well at a meal. There is very little dread or sadness or, again, fear of overeating at any given meal...its still there, lurking under the surface...I have to be aware that it could blindside me at any moment and it will take sneaky and destructive routes to do it. Now there is excitement and anticipation of doing well with the occassional fall. I can really feel those days coming on...I can identify them and take an active stance against them. I feel like I am developing the ability to chose and stand behind my choices. The desire for taste and the experience of food is no longer the sole motivating factor to eating food. The strong voice of food is getting weaker. The control I have over food is getting stronger. I have to keep God in this...my tendency is to experience some success and subconsciously say "OK, God, I got it from here..I know what I am suppose to do now...just let me do it" Meanwhile, I have so much more to learn...stay in a humble place, Amy...so much more good can happen there. I want more of this...I want to conquer it all...this taste of freedom is having the same effect that the empty box of donuts used to have...I desperately want to see whats inside...I am picturing good things yet to taste and experience.
I was reading revelations 21 this morning..The New Jerusalem verse 3 says.."Now the dwelling of God is with men and he will live with them..." I really feel that God is showing me a glimpse of a new Jerusalem to me...the Jerusalem he has been wanting to show me for so long and I kept turning away. I feel like he is finally dwelling with me in this although he has been dwelling with me all this time...I just couldn't feel it because I was always choosing the benefits of another God while I was expecting the real one to swoop in and rescue me but not deny me the other...confusing? You bet..but I get it now. I have allowed myself to empty out from the overload of self-satisfaction long enough to experience the new satisfaction of restraint and control...verse 4 "He will wipe every tear..no more death, mourning or crying of pain for the old order has passed away." I expect that there will continue to be struggle. I have to continue to choose this new path which will, at times, still be excruciating..but I do feel like the old order is passing away and, for the first time, I am really letting it go without fear of having it as a crutch to fall back on...I have something so much better...a real changed heart, not one just going through the motions in hopes that I can fool God into saving me from myself...
I love in verse 5 when he says "Write this down...I am the Alpha and the Omega, The beginning and the End. I will give drink to the thirsty without cost from the spring of life....he who overcomes will inherit all this...he then says exactly who will not be dwelling with him in heaven...I have been given such clarity from this experience of moving toward the struggle knowing that God is who he says he is and would meet me in it. I did not know the joy that would come from such growth and before the 40 day deadline. I pray that the clarity continues and I hope you will pray the same for me. The answers are coming clear....I can not wait to see what God does next.
Made some french toast this morning...it was so good...actually put butter in the pan and sprinkled a little powdered sugar after the syrup on top. I reminded me of Loeschels in HAtboro. A great breakfast place. I think one of the keys to eating in moderation will be to continue to eat really good food. I could have eaten alot more this morning and I would have in the past. I might have eaten a piece as I was cooking it...or hoped that Daniel didn't finish his...My focus was on sitting down and savoring each bite...I stopped before I was stuffed...just pleasantly full.
It occured to me while I was cooking that the fear I felt as I thought or ate food is not driving this process anymore. I am actually getting excited about the opportunity to eat well at a meal. There is very little dread or sadness or, again, fear of overeating at any given meal...its still there, lurking under the surface...I have to be aware that it could blindside me at any moment and it will take sneaky and destructive routes to do it. Now there is excitement and anticipation of doing well with the occassional fall. I can really feel those days coming on...I can identify them and take an active stance against them. I feel like I am developing the ability to chose and stand behind my choices. The desire for taste and the experience of food is no longer the sole motivating factor to eating food. The strong voice of food is getting weaker. The control I have over food is getting stronger. I have to keep God in this...my tendency is to experience some success and subconsciously say "OK, God, I got it from here..I know what I am suppose to do now...just let me do it" Meanwhile, I have so much more to learn...stay in a humble place, Amy...so much more good can happen there. I want more of this...I want to conquer it all...this taste of freedom is having the same effect that the empty box of donuts used to have...I desperately want to see whats inside...I am picturing good things yet to taste and experience.
I was reading revelations 21 this morning..The New Jerusalem verse 3 says.."Now the dwelling of God is with men and he will live with them..." I really feel that God is showing me a glimpse of a new Jerusalem to me...the Jerusalem he has been wanting to show me for so long and I kept turning away. I feel like he is finally dwelling with me in this although he has been dwelling with me all this time...I just couldn't feel it because I was always choosing the benefits of another God while I was expecting the real one to swoop in and rescue me but not deny me the other...confusing? You bet..but I get it now. I have allowed myself to empty out from the overload of self-satisfaction long enough to experience the new satisfaction of restraint and control...verse 4 "He will wipe every tear..no more death, mourning or crying of pain for the old order has passed away." I expect that there will continue to be struggle. I have to continue to choose this new path which will, at times, still be excruciating..but I do feel like the old order is passing away and, for the first time, I am really letting it go without fear of having it as a crutch to fall back on...I have something so much better...a real changed heart, not one just going through the motions in hopes that I can fool God into saving me from myself...
I love in verse 5 when he says "Write this down...I am the Alpha and the Omega, The beginning and the End. I will give drink to the thirsty without cost from the spring of life....he who overcomes will inherit all this...he then says exactly who will not be dwelling with him in heaven...I have been given such clarity from this experience of moving toward the struggle knowing that God is who he says he is and would meet me in it. I did not know the joy that would come from such growth and before the 40 day deadline. I pray that the clarity continues and I hope you will pray the same for me. The answers are coming clear....I can not wait to see what God does next.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
What a difference a day/year/month makes - Day 27
Well, today is a new day..sensing a theme here? Yesterday got better as the day went on.. Meds kicked in around mid day and I was actually able to get back to a somewhat normal existence. Being sick for this long is really making me appreciate the health that I do have. God gave me a gift of a strong body. Throughout the years of carrying around an overweight body (since a young girl) he has allowed me to stay active and flexible and without to many serious ailments. Again, I cringe when I think of how I have unconsciously and without much regard abused my body..but here I sit, able to bounce back and enjoy relatively good health again, whew!...thank you Jesus!
Last year on this day, Ken asked me if I had any special requests as he went out to run some errands. I remember having a craving for fudge and he went to Abington Pharmacy to get some vanilla fudge for me. Well, this is a new year. Asking for fudge is not even on my radar. Who knew that I would have this type of transformation in the course of a year after years and years of this struggle....God is good and he answers on his time schedule.
Last night we had a few family members over for cake and ice cream. I actually made the cake the day before, frosted it and ate a small piece while I enjoyed the fellowship of our guests. I didn't crave more...I was quite satisfied with the average piece I took...I am really learning to live in a land of food...and even create, bake and serve food without binging...The set backs I have are minimal and I am able to bounce back easily where earlier in my life...this 2 month sick period would have given me easy license to indulge in sinful eating patterns...
I love where I am going. I read LUke 6:21..Blessed are those who are hungry now, they will be satisfied...I now love to be nourished by things other than food...I am very full today!
Last year on this day, Ken asked me if I had any special requests as he went out to run some errands. I remember having a craving for fudge and he went to Abington Pharmacy to get some vanilla fudge for me. Well, this is a new year. Asking for fudge is not even on my radar. Who knew that I would have this type of transformation in the course of a year after years and years of this struggle....God is good and he answers on his time schedule.
Last night we had a few family members over for cake and ice cream. I actually made the cake the day before, frosted it and ate a small piece while I enjoyed the fellowship of our guests. I didn't crave more...I was quite satisfied with the average piece I took...I am really learning to live in a land of food...and even create, bake and serve food without binging...The set backs I have are minimal and I am able to bounce back easily where earlier in my life...this 2 month sick period would have given me easy license to indulge in sinful eating patterns...
I love where I am going. I read LUke 6:21..Blessed are those who are hungry now, they will be satisfied...I now love to be nourished by things other than food...I am very full today!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Day 25 & 26 - Blahhhh!
I feel like I am under attack from all sides. Finally getting better from the cough with the steroids but now, since yesterday, have a serious urinary tract infection that is keeping me in pain and nauseous and weak....and yet another antibiotic I can not catch a break here. I am so weary of this..don't even have the desire to post anything yesterday or today...maybe later
Ate horribly yesterday and can't really even eat breakfast today. When will this end? I am so sick of feeling sick...I am having such a hard time concentrating on anything..work, Daniel, etc...
God, I need a break...please...I really want to feel better tomorrow and keep our plans we made for my birthday
Please pray!
Ate horribly yesterday and can't really even eat breakfast today. When will this end? I am so sick of feeling sick...I am having such a hard time concentrating on anything..work, Daniel, etc...
God, I need a break...please...I really want to feel better tomorrow and keep our plans we made for my birthday
Please pray!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Day 24 - Tool building
This is another race to the finish kind of morning. Lots of deadlines on my plate...pressure and stress..still coughing, not sleeping...please pray that I can rise above all of this. I ate a bowl of oatmeal this morning...down to one serving's worth and I feel satisfied. I am still amazed at this...considering I would eat almost 2 servings and other stuff in the morning and still be ravenous some days. I believe that God is continuing to build the tools I need to eat like a thin, healthy individual. I have been struggling with the idea of getting a scale in my home. I have had them in the past but they have always dictated my feelings for the day. Can I have power over the scale too? Maybe, it will have to be a good and accurate one..maybe I should only weigh myself at the doctors each month...having a scale might just force the focus back on food...i don't know the answer to this yet.
So yesterday, I sat down with a breakfast of 3 squares of cornbread and a small bowl of strawberries. I thought to myself..this is probably too much but I took it anyway. I ate most of the strawberries and 4 of the cornbread halves and distinctly heard a voice telling me to stop eating...wrap them up and put in the fridge for later. I wanted to eat the rest...to taste the rest I should say, it was good but I obeyed.
I did alot of driving around yesterday. I stopped at Burger king to get lunch. I was going to get my usual but instead I chose a whopper junior meal and was satisfied with a smaller sandwich. Same with dinner...I really believe that God is really helping me to reinforce behavioral changes. It is getting easier to think about control and restraint as I choose each meal. The finny part of all of this is..even though the restraint and control are coming easier...I still get the trigger messages in my head. I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I hear in my head..."you should stop at Weinrichs bakery for some donuts"...on the way to work I hear "you should stop at McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin"...and stop at Starbucks for a Hazelnut latte"...I used to obey alot of these commands in my head...they used to be much stronger...My choice to choose God instead of food is filling me to the point where these suggestions are just a nuisance...I cant wait until they become a laughable reminder of who is in charge...I am not there yet because there is a little part of me that considers each suggestion for a moment or two. I have to actively work against them....More later
So yesterday, I sat down with a breakfast of 3 squares of cornbread and a small bowl of strawberries. I thought to myself..this is probably too much but I took it anyway. I ate most of the strawberries and 4 of the cornbread halves and distinctly heard a voice telling me to stop eating...wrap them up and put in the fridge for later. I wanted to eat the rest...to taste the rest I should say, it was good but I obeyed.
I did alot of driving around yesterday. I stopped at Burger king to get lunch. I was going to get my usual but instead I chose a whopper junior meal and was satisfied with a smaller sandwich. Same with dinner...I really believe that God is really helping me to reinforce behavioral changes. It is getting easier to think about control and restraint as I choose each meal. The finny part of all of this is..even though the restraint and control are coming easier...I still get the trigger messages in my head. I am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and I hear in my head..."you should stop at Weinrichs bakery for some donuts"...on the way to work I hear "you should stop at McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin"...and stop at Starbucks for a Hazelnut latte"...I used to obey alot of these commands in my head...they used to be much stronger...My choice to choose God instead of food is filling me to the point where these suggestions are just a nuisance...I cant wait until they become a laughable reminder of who is in charge...I am not there yet because there is a little part of me that considers each suggestion for a moment or two. I have to actively work against them....More later
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Day 22 -Day 23 continuing on in the Journey
(Day 23 - Yesterday was a blur. I didn't get much sleep because of this lingering cough..Daniel didn't sleep well because of his cold...it was a bad morning but I took him to babysitting anyway, he seemed to be ok and I had an appt that I desperately wanted to cancel but didn't. No quiet time, no focusing but no real overeating either. I think I got a beak yesterday in order to concentrate on other things. Tuns out my appt canceled after all and I had to leave work to pick up Daniel early...he was pretty sick. After doctors appts for both of us..we are, hopefully on the mend. I actually am coughing less after 2 days on steroids than I have in 2 months...wow! I did have the urge to overeat last night but went to bed instead...whew, dodged that bullet.
Day 24 - Anyway, today is, again, a new day. Read Psalm 107...Let the redeemed of the Lord Say so! There are many great verses in here..when you cry out to the Lord in your distress, he will lead you by a straight way till you reach a city to dwell in. I feel like I was a wanderer when it came to my eating struggles...trying on and off, every diet that pledged to free me from this prison...and when it didn't deliver..I would go back to wandering in either denial or deep despair. I feel like the cry expressed in this journal is what had to happen before God led me to a straight path that leads to a place I can dwell forever. A place at peace with food...a place where my head is not turned at the sight of a slightly open box of donuts.
Another verse I like is 9...He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with good things.. Did I even really think that it was my soul that needed fixing? I was stuffing my body so full of food, I couldn't hear the cries of my heart and soul for help. As I prepared my breakfast this morning, I thought to myself..am I taking too much? I made it anyway and sat down to eat. I ate 2/3rds of it and honestly heard a voice saying "stop now and put the rest back in the fridge for later. I really wanted to ignore it and eat the rest. I almost did ignore it but I kept hearing it. I got up, went in the kitchen and wrapped it up. Once it was out of my sight, it was easier to let it go. This, again, is huge...kind of like the chicken sandwich from burger king earlier in this blog. Can I really learn to eat just enough...only what I need? Can I really learn to listen to these inner voices consistently and not be called even louder by the unfinished food I put back in the fridge. At other times in my life...I would obsess about what I put back in the fridge until I broke down and ate it just to free myself from the obsession...I was not equipped to use any other tools to combat this obsession...I am building this new skill set as we speak.
There is much in this Psalm that really feeds me. Much more I would like to write out...maybe later...
Day 24 - Anyway, today is, again, a new day. Read Psalm 107...Let the redeemed of the Lord Say so! There are many great verses in here..when you cry out to the Lord in your distress, he will lead you by a straight way till you reach a city to dwell in. I feel like I was a wanderer when it came to my eating struggles...trying on and off, every diet that pledged to free me from this prison...and when it didn't deliver..I would go back to wandering in either denial or deep despair. I feel like the cry expressed in this journal is what had to happen before God led me to a straight path that leads to a place I can dwell forever. A place at peace with food...a place where my head is not turned at the sight of a slightly open box of donuts.
Another verse I like is 9...He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with good things.. Did I even really think that it was my soul that needed fixing? I was stuffing my body so full of food, I couldn't hear the cries of my heart and soul for help. As I prepared my breakfast this morning, I thought to myself..am I taking too much? I made it anyway and sat down to eat. I ate 2/3rds of it and honestly heard a voice saying "stop now and put the rest back in the fridge for later. I really wanted to ignore it and eat the rest. I almost did ignore it but I kept hearing it. I got up, went in the kitchen and wrapped it up. Once it was out of my sight, it was easier to let it go. This, again, is huge...kind of like the chicken sandwich from burger king earlier in this blog. Can I really learn to eat just enough...only what I need? Can I really learn to listen to these inner voices consistently and not be called even louder by the unfinished food I put back in the fridge. At other times in my life...I would obsess about what I put back in the fridge until I broke down and ate it just to free myself from the obsession...I was not equipped to use any other tools to combat this obsession...I am building this new skill set as we speak.
There is much in this Psalm that really feeds me. Much more I would like to write out...maybe later...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Day 21 - Obedience verses Indulgence
I woke up this morning and realized that I am over the hump of this 40 day journal..at least the length I have given it, who knows how long this will really take but, what an accomplishment...its not really mine alone...between Gods leading, my willingness and the prayers of those that have graciously committed to walk along with me...great changes are coming about in a lifelong struggle...I have been down-graded from solitary confinement with no freedom to minimum security, where I get lots of time out of my cell. One day I will eat as a totally free woman..free from the chains that bound me all this time.
I read Deuteronomy Chapter 28 today where it outlines the blessings for obedience and the curses for disobedience. Now, I have never been much of an Old Testament girl...too many lineage passages and explaining the law. Its so clear that this is true, right? I have hated restrictions for most of my life. In my youth, my father would call me his Bohemian...going whichever way the wind turned without structure or cause. This attitude, although fun and free-spirited, did not serve me well then and it has not served me well to this day. How amazing that God would bring me here on the 21st day, knowing that it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so they say. I think I am finally ready to embrace the "law" so to speak...I think I have a new respect for the guidelines God has layed out for our lives..for control and restraint...and dare I say it, Obedience!! Obedience is a polarizing word...I am not afraid of it...I am going so far as to embrace it in a way I never have. I believe that the blessings will abound like never before as I move toward it. Better blessings than I could have ever arranged for myself as a "bohemian".
The verse I love above all others is verse 8 where he says that he will bless me in the land he has given me. I have always pleaded with the Lord to take this all away. I have often wanted to be someone else and coveted their struggles as if they were easier than my own. I have often wanted to just flee from this struggle and at some points (not recently) even die to relieve the pain and compulsion. I feel so differently now. I feel like God is going to equip me to live in a land of food. The land that I am in right now which is better than plucking me out. If he did pluck me out of this land, think about the good I would be missing. I would look in longing for some of the things I loved about it. I would feel restricted and build it up to be this fabulous place that I could not gain entry to..,distort it and maybe feel a whole new sadness and compulsion...I may end up worshipping it. He also says in chapter 28 that we who believe are the head, not the tail. I have had such a "tail" mentality for so long...dragging along, picking up the crumbs of a healthy life. As the head, nothing should be off limits...but a good "head" of anything knows the importance of restraint, control...maturity being delayed gratification.
Wow, I just had a vision of this weight loss surgery as just another prison. Will it take me out of the land of food instead of equipping me to live there. Will it make me more of a slave to food than to be free from it. Will it make me a slave to supplements and potential hazards from changing God's design. Maybe it isn't unbiblical to have this surgery but, its just cross-addicting or "out of the frying pan into another" type experience. Hmmmm..is this the clarity I was looking for?
We will see as I continue. I am not ready to make my decision yet!
I read Deuteronomy Chapter 28 today where it outlines the blessings for obedience and the curses for disobedience. Now, I have never been much of an Old Testament girl...too many lineage passages and explaining the law. Its so clear that this is true, right? I have hated restrictions for most of my life. In my youth, my father would call me his Bohemian...going whichever way the wind turned without structure or cause. This attitude, although fun and free-spirited, did not serve me well then and it has not served me well to this day. How amazing that God would bring me here on the 21st day, knowing that it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so they say. I think I am finally ready to embrace the "law" so to speak...I think I have a new respect for the guidelines God has layed out for our lives..for control and restraint...and dare I say it, Obedience!! Obedience is a polarizing word...I am not afraid of it...I am going so far as to embrace it in a way I never have. I believe that the blessings will abound like never before as I move toward it. Better blessings than I could have ever arranged for myself as a "bohemian".
The verse I love above all others is verse 8 where he says that he will bless me in the land he has given me. I have always pleaded with the Lord to take this all away. I have often wanted to be someone else and coveted their struggles as if they were easier than my own. I have often wanted to just flee from this struggle and at some points (not recently) even die to relieve the pain and compulsion. I feel so differently now. I feel like God is going to equip me to live in a land of food. The land that I am in right now which is better than plucking me out. If he did pluck me out of this land, think about the good I would be missing. I would look in longing for some of the things I loved about it. I would feel restricted and build it up to be this fabulous place that I could not gain entry to..,distort it and maybe feel a whole new sadness and compulsion...I may end up worshipping it. He also says in chapter 28 that we who believe are the head, not the tail. I have had such a "tail" mentality for so long...dragging along, picking up the crumbs of a healthy life. As the head, nothing should be off limits...but a good "head" of anything knows the importance of restraint, control...maturity being delayed gratification.
Wow, I just had a vision of this weight loss surgery as just another prison. Will it take me out of the land of food instead of equipping me to live there. Will it make me more of a slave to food than to be free from it. Will it make me a slave to supplements and potential hazards from changing God's design. Maybe it isn't unbiblical to have this surgery but, its just cross-addicting or "out of the frying pan into another" type experience. Hmmmm..is this the clarity I was looking for?
We will see as I continue. I am not ready to make my decision yet!
Day 20 - Today was, in fact, a new day
Daniel has not been particularly cooperative through this journey. He has been continually sick and the mornings have been difficult and distracting. Needless to say...it has been especially hard to fit in quiet time in the morning. Got prayed up though, this morning with Ken and Daniel. We prayed against the Saturday box of donuts and prayed that I would chose my God wisely. Then, I went to work equipped with prayer, a healthy lunch and a renewed mind.
The donuts were not my God of choice today. Luckily, it was so busy today that I barely had time to think about the temptation, Every time I would pass the box, it would make me chuckle as it was half open and I could not see what was actually inside..."just an empty box" was my mantra!
Late in the day, one of my favorite members came in. This is someone that I have become friends with...someone who struggles with weight and is actually scheduled to have the gastric bypass within the next few months. We have been bouncing ideas off of each other about the surgeries and she has been a great encouragement. This is a high-powered executive with Merck, and an intelligent and God-fearing woman; although I do not know the extent of her beliefs. After she arrived, I walked back to the kitchen and saw her coming toward me eating a chocolate frosted, cream-filled donut. She saw me and quickly made a comment about not having eaten....
Immediately, I was struck with the thought "this is a picture of the wrong choice...a picture of lack of preparedness...she let the food have power over her...she could have stopped and gotten a sandwich or something healthier or brought something from home, etc..
I do not want to be this person anymore. Finally, God has shown me the road to freedom..choosing him in the midst of temptation and he is showing me how...this is a tool I never had before. Later on, I sat down to dinner and eat freely knowing at some point, I was going to feel the sensation of fullness. As I was down to about 1/4 of my meal left, I heard the subtle voice...you no longer need to eat..what you have eaten is enough to satisfy you and fuel your body...I wasn't ready to stop eating...to stop tasting the delicious food. I actually ate a few more bites and then struggled to take it into the kitchen and put it away...but I chose to believe it was going to be better to obey than to indulge...and it was!
The donuts were not my God of choice today. Luckily, it was so busy today that I barely had time to think about the temptation, Every time I would pass the box, it would make me chuckle as it was half open and I could not see what was actually inside..."just an empty box" was my mantra!
Late in the day, one of my favorite members came in. This is someone that I have become friends with...someone who struggles with weight and is actually scheduled to have the gastric bypass within the next few months. We have been bouncing ideas off of each other about the surgeries and she has been a great encouragement. This is a high-powered executive with Merck, and an intelligent and God-fearing woman; although I do not know the extent of her beliefs. After she arrived, I walked back to the kitchen and saw her coming toward me eating a chocolate frosted, cream-filled donut. She saw me and quickly made a comment about not having eaten....
Immediately, I was struck with the thought "this is a picture of the wrong choice...a picture of lack of preparedness...she let the food have power over her...she could have stopped and gotten a sandwich or something healthier or brought something from home, etc..
I do not want to be this person anymore. Finally, God has shown me the road to freedom..choosing him in the midst of temptation and he is showing me how...this is a tool I never had before. Later on, I sat down to dinner and eat freely knowing at some point, I was going to feel the sensation of fullness. As I was down to about 1/4 of my meal left, I heard the subtle voice...you no longer need to eat..what you have eaten is enough to satisfy you and fuel your body...I wasn't ready to stop eating...to stop tasting the delicious food. I actually ate a few more bites and then struggled to take it into the kitchen and put it away...but I chose to believe it was going to be better to obey than to indulge...and it was!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Day 19 - Equipped for battle
Went to work today without spending time in prayer. Did not pursue the armor of God...Daniel was completely frustrating and annoying me...did not prepare lunch....raced out the door. Did pretty well at breakfast, though, in my own strength apparently.
I headed into work and right into a long 2-hour meeting. AS I am sitting there zoning in and out of focus on the meeting. Lisa (the owner) brought out dark chocolate covered fortune cookies to make a point in the meeting, Fortune cookies?...at 9am in the morning...absolutely...I ate it quickly and desperately wanted another one...I could barely pay attention...I was empty and I wanted to fill up with food.
Well, then, it was as if Satan himself walked into the room and set down 2 boxes on the table right in front of me. Inside were the most beautiful fruit danishes...large, vanilla iced..dripping with fruit-flavored filling...I was paralyzed. I couldn't get up and run.. I caved and ate 1 and picked at another during the rest of the meeting. I caved because...well, lots of reasons...all of them self-absorbed and pleasure seeking.
It is clearer to me than ever before how important it is to be equipped for the day. The equipping that the Lord has to offer far exceeds any resolve I can muster up for myself...and you never know when your exact strongest temptation (Frosted breads with fruit filling) is going to be dangled in front of you by the enemy.
I am not going to dwell on this day. I am just going to learn and move on...tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to chose the path where beautiful pastries dancing in front of me are not my God.
I headed into work and right into a long 2-hour meeting. AS I am sitting there zoning in and out of focus on the meeting. Lisa (the owner) brought out dark chocolate covered fortune cookies to make a point in the meeting, Fortune cookies?...at 9am in the morning...absolutely...I ate it quickly and desperately wanted another one...I could barely pay attention...I was empty and I wanted to fill up with food.
Well, then, it was as if Satan himself walked into the room and set down 2 boxes on the table right in front of me. Inside were the most beautiful fruit danishes...large, vanilla iced..dripping with fruit-flavored filling...I was paralyzed. I couldn't get up and run.. I caved and ate 1 and picked at another during the rest of the meeting. I caved because...well, lots of reasons...all of them self-absorbed and pleasure seeking.
It is clearer to me than ever before how important it is to be equipped for the day. The equipping that the Lord has to offer far exceeds any resolve I can muster up for myself...and you never know when your exact strongest temptation (Frosted breads with fruit filling) is going to be dangled in front of you by the enemy.
I am not going to dwell on this day. I am just going to learn and move on...tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to chose the path where beautiful pastries dancing in front of me are not my God.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Day 18 - The morning after
Woke up this morning feeling much less angst and weepyness...feeling a bit confused by what I experienced the last 2 days but knowing that I just have to move ahead. I am trying not to let the fears I am having sway me in either direction...I had a meeting set up with someone this morning to talk and pray about clarity and direction. I find it amazing that we were going to have this discussion 2 weeks ago but our schedules didn't mesh until this day..I think that our discussion was much different today than it would have been at the beginning of this journey.
I overate this morning..consciously making the choice to overeat in the midst of feeling confused and weary and unsettled...did I really think that this was all going to go away after 1 cathartic experience...no, it is still a journey, I still have to choose Jesus, not my food of choice as salve for my wounded heart.
As we sat and talked about the happenings since this journey began,,,The person I was talking to suggested that I had gone through a true heart repentance...not that I had..that I am going through it. I had not thought of my experience in these terms but it did occur to me that any repentance I have ever felt for this struggle in the past has really been a surface scratching and false repentance in order to hopefully inspire God to help me lose weight..not a true opening of my heart and a release and ownership over all the bad choices I have made when it comes to this life long struggle. A true forgiveness to anyone and anything that has made it difficult along the way...a true eye opening to what the real struggle is here....I think this might have been the beginning of that....as heart wrenching as it was to go through that emotion...I want more. I want it all out in the open, I want to deal with it all...I want it gone from the depths of my inner self.
I have thought, arrogantly, over the years that my struggle is unique and maybe worse than what others go through...I have had plenty of self-focused pity parties...I have done plenty of blaming society and the placement of food in my path for my bad food choices. I have been so angry at God for not freeing me from this long ago. I have missed out on blessing others and I am sure plenty of opportunities where God might have wanted to use me in the lives of others because I was completely focused on my struggle and obsessing about my food life.
Does any of this make my decision to have surgery any easier? Maybe...what I do know is that, for now, the struggle is more about my heart than it is about the plan to lose weight. Its not even about getting rid of the Diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure right now...I need to continue to move forward and hunger and thirst for what God wants to teach me about true heart change, about true sacrifice, about what it means to turn to him in the midst of temptation..about having an outwardly focused heart and life.
What I haven't recorded yet is that I have dropped 8 pounds since starting this journal. The most exciting part about that is that I lost this weight without the latest, greatest diet, without choosing what works for others, without restrictive eating or dare I say it..keeping a "list of foods I ate today". None of these tools are bad, they just were not on this particular part of the journey...In addition to the 8 physical pounds..I feel like I have released 3 times that in emotional baggage...we will see what happens with the rest.
Re: The surgery
The clarity that I have Right now is to put the process on hold for maybe 30 days. To not move ahead as if I am definitely having the surgery..which means more invasive visits with a cardiologist, a pulminologist (sp?), a sleep study and an endoscopy. I don't want to postpone it to the point where the work I have done so far is null and void and I would have to do that all over again...I just want to stop the focus on that temporarily and work on my heart and thought life for a while.
I see the clarity...sweet clarity...on the horizon.
By the way,someone left a comment on yesterdays post..."AA" who are you and thank you for your timely feedback on the surgery.
I overate this morning..consciously making the choice to overeat in the midst of feeling confused and weary and unsettled...did I really think that this was all going to go away after 1 cathartic experience...no, it is still a journey, I still have to choose Jesus, not my food of choice as salve for my wounded heart.
As we sat and talked about the happenings since this journey began,,,The person I was talking to suggested that I had gone through a true heart repentance...not that I had..that I am going through it. I had not thought of my experience in these terms but it did occur to me that any repentance I have ever felt for this struggle in the past has really been a surface scratching and false repentance in order to hopefully inspire God to help me lose weight..not a true opening of my heart and a release and ownership over all the bad choices I have made when it comes to this life long struggle. A true forgiveness to anyone and anything that has made it difficult along the way...a true eye opening to what the real struggle is here....I think this might have been the beginning of that....as heart wrenching as it was to go through that emotion...I want more. I want it all out in the open, I want to deal with it all...I want it gone from the depths of my inner self.
I have thought, arrogantly, over the years that my struggle is unique and maybe worse than what others go through...I have had plenty of self-focused pity parties...I have done plenty of blaming society and the placement of food in my path for my bad food choices. I have been so angry at God for not freeing me from this long ago. I have missed out on blessing others and I am sure plenty of opportunities where God might have wanted to use me in the lives of others because I was completely focused on my struggle and obsessing about my food life.
Does any of this make my decision to have surgery any easier? Maybe...what I do know is that, for now, the struggle is more about my heart than it is about the plan to lose weight. Its not even about getting rid of the Diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure right now...I need to continue to move forward and hunger and thirst for what God wants to teach me about true heart change, about true sacrifice, about what it means to turn to him in the midst of temptation..about having an outwardly focused heart and life.
What I haven't recorded yet is that I have dropped 8 pounds since starting this journal. The most exciting part about that is that I lost this weight without the latest, greatest diet, without choosing what works for others, without restrictive eating or dare I say it..keeping a "list of foods I ate today". None of these tools are bad, they just were not on this particular part of the journey...In addition to the 8 physical pounds..I feel like I have released 3 times that in emotional baggage...we will see what happens with the rest.
Re: The surgery
The clarity that I have Right now is to put the process on hold for maybe 30 days. To not move ahead as if I am definitely having the surgery..which means more invasive visits with a cardiologist, a pulminologist (sp?), a sleep study and an endoscopy. I don't want to postpone it to the point where the work I have done so far is null and void and I would have to do that all over again...I just want to stop the focus on that temporarily and work on my heart and thought life for a while.
I see the clarity...sweet clarity...on the horizon.
By the way,someone left a comment on yesterdays post..."AA" who are you and thank you for your timely feedback on the surgery.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sad and Heavy Laden
Well, I got through 2 appts so far and by the grace of God, I did not burst out in tears as I was suggesting the blue sofa...not the red one!! It is really not as silly as it sounds..I am a highly trained individual and these are expensive decisions and it usually entails more than just telling people what color sofa to pick (Just incase you were laughing at the ridiculousness of it all).
Even though I am putting on a professional front on the outside...I am on my knees in my heart asking Gods forgiveness for treating my body the way I have...I am devistated at the realization, finally, of how serious a place I am in...at the condition of my body and my inability to fix it...finally, I am powerless...I have pretended to be powerless over the years...even scolded him for not working on this struggle with me...as if he wasnt.
All this time, I have been waiting on God to help me when, all along he has been waiting for me...HE has been waiting for ME..to take responsibility for where I am and be truly broken.
Oh, here comes my next appt...sigh...I couldnt feel like I have less to give.
Even though I am putting on a professional front on the outside...I am on my knees in my heart asking Gods forgiveness for treating my body the way I have...I am devistated at the realization, finally, of how serious a place I am in...at the condition of my body and my inability to fix it...finally, I am powerless...I have pretended to be powerless over the years...even scolded him for not working on this struggle with me...as if he wasnt.
All this time, I have been waiting on God to help me when, all along he has been waiting for me...HE has been waiting for ME..to take responsibility for where I am and be truly broken.
Oh, here comes my next appt...sigh...I couldnt feel like I have less to give.
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