Day 63 - The roller coaster

Why does everything have to be such a roller coaster. I feel like the ink isn't even dry on the page so to speak before I am experiencing some other emotion, some different level of suffering etc..

Earlier this week (Wed) I was sitting in out bible study group and my mind was just not on the conversation. We are in the midst of a study on relationships and my biggest and most difficult relationship right now is with an activity and a thing, not a person. All of a sudden it dawned on me...I don't think I am suppose to be counting calories every day and anticipating the number on the scale every day. These are good tools to guide me in my journey but I got stuck this week. I so easily slip into dependence on the calorie counting and the scale sliding downward. I get so easily tricked into these 2 things being my barometer of success...I was very obsessed over the last week or so about exactly what I was eating and what that number was going to be when I stepped on the scale. When I counted my calories...I was very focused on the failure, not the success. When that number did not move...I immediately labeled my efforts since the last weigh in as failure...this failure mentality is part of what is holding me back. I want to focus on the success I am having...why is it much easier to hold on to the negative...the positive thoughts and feelings slip away so easily but the negative digs in and has to be chipped away at little by little.

The interesting thing I experienced this week when I stopped counting for a few days...I stepped on the scale and last another 1 1/2 pounds. Its hard not to want to count every calorie and make sure that I am not eating even 1 more calorie than necessary and try to guess in my mind how many pounds the scale is going to say at the end of the week. Its hard not to use the fat free and low calorie food as a trick to allow myself more food. I have incorporated some reduced sugar and low cal foods into my diet but I can see how it does feed my addictive nature...if I choose this milk...I can eat more cereal or if I use this butter, I can use twice as much etc..

I am so confused at times about what exactly I should be focused on...it seems to change from week to week. The vacillation between the strict calorie counting formula and the fluidity of eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full is wearing on me.

I just need a direction...please pray that for me those of you who may still be reading this...I am hearing so many different messages and I am having no clarity as to which ones are the ones I am supposed to be listening to...its exhausting and distracting.

What I do know is that the word of God, in addition to your very encouraging comments, has been a source of peace, strength, clarity and direction so I am back..seeking and studying. I know that God has lots more to show me about this struggle and in his mercy, is giving me some weight loss along the way to keep me encouraged. There is still so much left to learn. I ready Psalm 25 again today...I love this Psalm..teach me!!! Make me know your ways...lead me in your truth..be gracious to me for I am afflicted, the troubles of my heart are enlarged..bring me out of my distress...deliver me!!!