Well, my friend had her surgery last Thursday. I haven't heard yet how it went or how she is recuperating. Hopefully will hear today. Still think I made the right decision but I have just been coasting along for the last 2 weeks. I have been thinking quite a bit about the concept of suffering. I really avoid it. This is a very big issue for me and I am stuck on the edge of this cliff looking down into the pit of suffering. I see the bottom but I am afraid to do what I need to do to get to the bottom. This is only food for God's sake...why is this so difficult...just stop, right?
I just can't seem to stop..I mean really stop. I have decreased the amount of food, for sure, but I have only scratched the surface. There is something really deep here I need to deal with. So far, this journey has produced this...an awareness of this big fear...did I expect this road to lead straight to weight loss...well, I had hoped...I believe it still will but there are huge road blocks in the way and this is one of them. If I do not deal with this now, I may struggle forever with this same 20 pounds or worse, I may go backward and forget the whole thing. Embracing the suffering that comes with this freedom I want so badly must happen so,...lets take a new mini journey focused on suffering. I am going to take 10 days and move head on into it. I am going to fast during breakfast, lunch and the "night eating period". Not fast totally from food but use slim-fast shakes and fresh fruit to replace the food I am eating. I have started letting the abuse of food creep back in and my addiction to taste and excess has reared its ugly head. I want to read about suffering and learn what it is that is keeping me in this state of submission and obsession to food. I need to control what goes into my body not the other way around. I need to be empty enough to let the voice of restraint and control speak to me...and to let the voice of God speak to me about what it is that is making me afraid of the suffering that is necessary to make it past this.
The thought of doing this is making my mouth dry. The thought of actually putting this in writing is scary because some of you are still reading and can help keep me accountable...Why 10 days? I don't know why actually...its the same as the 40 day thing...its just a number that moved me. Its a number that with my history has always been out of the question...impossible and God loves to overcome the impossible. Its enough time to be empty enough to let the stuff come up that I have been pushing down and covering up with food for so long....scary!
Job 36:15 But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction
I think I need to actually step into the suffering for God to speak to it instead of cowering and waiting for the blow...when will I learn it just doesn't work that way? God, I am counting on you for help as I know this is not something I can do in my own strength...I would barely make it one day!
I need prayer again!! This is going to be much harder than it sounds.
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