Day 39 - A study of Addiction

Its the morning before the 40th day...whats left, I ask myself...I made the decision that I set out to make...why keep doing this? Because the quest has just begun...I still need to learn to eat even less food. I still need to learn to make the right choice every time and not be led by my emotions or the circumstances of the day. There are so many little jewels of insight yet to come and I am hungry for it...oops gotta go..more later!

Here it is the end of the day....Had a good day today.... ate about 2200 calories..seems to be where I am hovering. I am going to go to bed empty and hungry. The hunger is hard...I just feel compelled to fill it...I hate the convincing arguments I hear in my head..why it would be ok to eat...it is such a lie...one that I often come close to believing.

I was recently in a discussion about addiction with my counselor that I have been seeing for years. I started seeing him back when I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship in 1990. I accepted Jesus right there together with him in his office in Quakertown and my life has never been the same since. He has been the vessel that God has used for so much healing in my life...He as become a life coach and a spiritual father to me over the years...he broke it down for me...

3 parts to an addiction struggle:

Body (or physical), Soul (emotional) and spiritual (part that is in constant contact with God)
The physical part of it is my appetite, the habits that I have formed over the years and my genetic predisposition to struggle with obesity. I have spent years setting the neuropathways to overeat...I have let my appetite get out of control and now it is larger than life...way beyond what I need to live. The problem with surgery, for me, is that it would restrict the amount of food I could take in at one time but would do little to change my appetite..the habit to overeat would make it an excruciating experience. I think to really change your appetite or your habitual behaviors, you need to address the second part of the struggle...the psyche...which is my thought life and attitude toward food...I need to disconnect my warped emotional connection to food. Once I realized that I need to tap into the emotional struggle before the physical would really change...I realized something else..that there was so much to unwrap...I wasn't sure who I had let be in control of my emotions and who or what was influencing them. I needed to correct the spiritual leading of my heart or nothing would ever be accomplished. I was open to anyone or anything that was willing or attractive and wanted to lead me...I had to make a choice of who to serve in my heart...I had to really believe that the Lord's leading has so much power in it..power for good and freedom. Do I hear God's voice regulating my intake of food at every meal..not yet but I am moving in that direction...this journey has increased my sensitivity to the voice and the power

This must be what it feels like to be sober from alcohol or clean from a drug habit...an awakening from a scary lifestyle but knowing that you are one wrong step away from destruction...I know that I am one bite away from disobedience and the consequences of it...I will get stronger and I won't feel this close to the edge someday...can't wait for that day!