Day 28 & 29...Moving on

How nice of God to extend my birthday with an unexpected snow day! After a few changes in antibiotics and some much needed rest...I feel like I can move on now...my head and chest are much clearer and so is my Urinary tract (Sorry for the graphic picture, those that are reading!) but its a happy day!

Made some french toast this morning...it was so good...actually put butter in the pan and sprinkled a little powdered sugar after the syrup on top. I reminded me of Loeschels in HAtboro. A great breakfast place. I think one of the keys to eating in moderation will be to continue to eat really good food. I could have eaten alot more this morning and I would have in the past. I might have eaten a piece as I was cooking it...or hoped that Daniel didn't finish his...My focus was on sitting down and savoring each bite...I stopped before I was stuffed...just pleasantly full.

It occured to me while I was cooking that the fear I felt as I thought or ate food is not driving this process anymore. I am actually getting excited about the opportunity to eat well at a meal. There is very little dread or sadness or, again, fear of overeating at any given meal...its still there, lurking under the surface...I have to be aware that it could blindside me at any moment and it will take sneaky and destructive routes to do it. Now there is excitement and anticipation of doing well with the occassional fall. I can really feel those days coming on...I can identify them and take an active stance against them. I feel like I am developing the ability to chose and stand behind my choices. The desire for taste and the experience of food is no longer the sole motivating factor to eating food. The strong voice of food is getting weaker. The control I have over food is getting stronger. I have to keep God in this...my tendency is to experience some success and subconsciously say "OK, God, I got it from here..I know what I am suppose to do now...just let me do it" Meanwhile, I have so much more to learn...stay in a humble place, Amy...so much more good can happen there. I want more of this...I want to conquer it all...this taste of freedom is having the same effect that the empty box of donuts used to have...I desperately want to see whats inside...I am picturing good things yet to taste and experience.

I was reading revelations 21 this morning..The New Jerusalem verse 3 says.."Now the dwelling of God is with men and he will live with them..." I really feel that God is showing me a glimpse of a new Jerusalem to me...the Jerusalem he has been wanting to show me for so long and I kept turning away. I feel like he is finally dwelling with me in this although he has been dwelling with me all this time...I just couldn't feel it because I was always choosing the benefits of another God while I was expecting the real one to swoop in and rescue me but not deny me the other...confusing? You bet..but I get it now. I have allowed myself to empty out from the overload of self-satisfaction long enough to experience the new satisfaction of restraint and control...verse 4 "He will wipe every tear..no more death, mourning or crying of pain for the old order has passed away." I expect that there will continue to be struggle. I have to continue to choose this new path which will, at times, still be excruciating..but I do feel like the old order is passing away and, for the first time, I am really letting it go without fear of having it as a crutch to fall back on...I have something so much better...a real changed heart, not one just going through the motions in hopes that I can fool God into saving me from myself...

I love in verse 5 when he says "Write this down...I am the Alpha and the Omega, The beginning and the End. I will give drink to the thirsty without cost from the spring of life....he who overcomes will inherit all this...he then says exactly who will not be dwelling with him in heaven...I have been given such clarity from this experience of moving toward the struggle knowing that God is who he says he is and would meet me in it. I did not know the joy that would come from such growth and before the 40 day deadline. I pray that the clarity continues and I hope you will pray the same for me. The answers are coming clear....I can not wait to see what God does next.