Day 49 - Pinching myself

Well...stepped on the scale yesterday...I have lost 16 pounds!!!!!! I have this real weird relationship with the scale. I really want to know what it has to say but I do what I can to avoid stepping on it....it has some wicked power over me just like food...The number I see could make or break me for days or even weeks afterwards. I am pretty sure I need it to help measure...kind of like how my glucometer measures where I am with my blood sugar. It does help me step out of destructive behaviors..as I see the weight go up..its a meter of sorts to tell me how to adjust my eating....I have to deny the urges to step on it everyday...I can go into a dependence on it in a split second...as long as it remains a tool and not my God...it will stay a part of this process.

So, now for the most remarkable progress...I was at Directbuy yesterday..you know..a Saturday...with the donut box there like a paid employee..doing its job to temp and destroy!! I was ok all morning..passing by repeatedly and trying to muster up a "laughing" attitude. Then lunch approached and I realized that I did not bring anything. It was too busy to run out, maybe I will order a sandwich...oops, I gave Ken all my money last night. There I was without the tools to eat well...all I had for fuel was a vending machine in the warehouse full of snacks and...yes, the box of donuts!!!

I was going to try to make it til 4pm when I could get something on the way home but this is a problem because A. I will be over hungry and my blood sugar will be low...I will overeat! B. It messes up my schedule for the rest of the day..eat on the way home..not hungry for dinner..then ravenous around 8pm...I will overeat!!! So what is my best option...my thoughts went back to the donuts...ok, exactly how bad is a donut. I know its full of sugar but let me just see what the nutritional value is...so I went online and discovered that 1 boston creme donut is about 240 calories. I looked at my calorie count for the day...I actually can eat this donut as my lunch and it will fit in with my calorie content for the day. Are donuts actually the enemy or is it really the desire to indulge..the love of the act of losing control and stuffing my face full of donuts?

OK, I am going to do this...I went and got a napkin and opened the box...there they were in all their glory. Should I be doing this, I thought am I throwing all of my progress out the window...something was nudging me forward and it didn't seem like greed or gluttony...I chose a plump and delicious looking boston creme and went and sat down. I did nothing else while I enjoyed the donut piece by piece...savoring every bite. I was a bit unsure if this would send me off the deep end into a binge but I went ahead anyway, trusting that this was ok and finished it up. Knowing that this was my chosen lunch. I got up and went about my day.

Guess what...I did want another one but the craving was small and weak...almost a whisper...easy to deny....I think at that very moment, I conquered the box of donuts...after years of worshiping it and eating from it as if it was going to satisfy my desires..then weeks of wrestling with the denial of it as if it was the enemy and making the choice to suffer without it...I established this new relationship with it. It no longer has the power over me it once had. With my changed heart and my new found love of control and restraint...I can enjoy a donut here and there. It actual did fuel me enough to get home and eat a dinner with control and restraint..no binges and the temptation was barely even a blip on my radar...unbelievable...how amazing are you Lord...No food is unclean you say? I believe you...I believe that you give back to me threefold in unexpected ways that will completely blow my mind, all I have to do is trust you.

I was floating the rest of the day...it was a real victory...an unexpected one because I thought the evidence of the battle already won was the ability to walk by it daily and not move toward it and scarf 3 or 4 of them down in secret.

I am on an amazing path toward freedom. I sat in church today with emotion welling up in me as they read verses during worship that were just taylor made for me...I am feeling propelled forward just like I did through the process of adopting Daniel...through uncharted waters with a sense of confidence that the ground would just be there as I take each step...

What is God going to show me next... I am giddy with excitement and so so thankful.