Day 58 - Losing Momentum

I feel like its been so long since my last post. Since then, the scale has not moved. I ate well last week with a few days over my 2000 calorie limit but i didn't think much of it until I stepped on the scale and saw no progress. My reaction to this?? At first I shrugged it off, thinking I am doing great and I am not a slave to the scale..who is my God here...and it turns out that the scale is still controlling me fairly deeply. I am still looking to weight loss as my barometer. I sunk a little bit emotionally within 24 hours of stepping on it. I got a bit discouraged..then I overate for 2 days. I could say why do I do this but I know why. I have identified the patterns and at least some of the reasons I react this way..can I do much to stop the downward spiral...I am still struggling with this...I want to change my body so desperately..God, do you know this..do you know that I really want to be free of carrying around this weight..of looking in the mirror and hating what I see..of running after Daniel and hurting...of taking so many medications and feeling so uncomfortable when summer rolls around...I am so sick of this aspect of the struggle..the condition of my body...not seeing even 1 pound gone after a week of suffering through hunger makes me very sad.

Remind me again why I am doing this..why I am taking it slow and going from the inside out...why weight loss should not be my primary goal? Why is it that one plateau week or 2 overshadows all the great work and progress I have experienced so far. Its maddening that I do this to myself.

What I am recognizing is that ever since the 40 days were up..I stopped reading, searching, praying, seeking every day...I am loosing momentum and I am noticing that I am all of a sudden lacking strength to resist temptation..I am experiencing more resentment about having to remain hungry. I am nibbling here and there more..the old patterns are ready and waiting in the wings to sneak back onto the stage and make their presence known.

I have to fight through this...I have tasted freedom from this..why is that taste not enough to keep me moving toward it...why are my old pattern still so comforting?