Day 21 - Obedience verses Indulgence

I woke up this morning and realized that I am over the hump of this 40 day journal..at least the length I have given it, who knows how long this will really take but, what an accomplishment...its not really mine alone...between Gods leading, my willingness and the prayers of those that have graciously committed to walk along with me...great changes are coming about in a lifelong struggle...I have been down-graded from solitary confinement with no freedom to minimum security, where I get lots of time out of my cell. One day I will eat as a totally free woman..free from the chains that bound me all this time.

I read Deuteronomy Chapter 28 today where it outlines the blessings for obedience and the curses for disobedience. Now, I have never been much of an Old Testament girl...too many lineage passages and explaining the law. Its so clear that this is true, right? I have hated restrictions for most of my life. In my youth, my father would call me his Bohemian...going whichever way the wind turned without structure or cause. This attitude, although fun and free-spirited, did not serve me well then and it has not served me well to this day. How amazing that God would bring me here on the 21st day, knowing that it takes 21 days to establish a new habit, so they say. I think I am finally ready to embrace the "law" so to speak...I think I have a new respect for the guidelines God has layed out for our lives..for control and restraint...and dare I say it, Obedience!! Obedience is a polarizing word...I am not afraid of it...I am going so far as to embrace it in a way I never have. I believe that the blessings will abound like never before as I move toward it. Better blessings than I could have ever arranged for myself as a "bohemian".

The verse I love above all others is verse 8 where he says that he will bless me in the land he has given me. I have always pleaded with the Lord to take this all away. I have often wanted to be someone else and coveted their struggles as if they were easier than my own. I have often wanted to just flee from this struggle and at some points (not recently) even die to relieve the pain and compulsion. I feel so differently now. I feel like God is going to equip me to live in a land of food. The land that I am in right now which is better than plucking me out. If he did pluck me out of this land, think about the good I would be missing. I would look in longing for some of the things I loved about it. I would feel restricted and build it up to be this fabulous place that I could not gain entry to..,distort it and maybe feel a whole new sadness and compulsion...I may end up worshipping it. He also says in chapter 28 that we who believe are the head, not the tail. I have had such a "tail" mentality for so long...dragging along, picking up the crumbs of a healthy life. As the head, nothing should be off limits...but a good "head" of anything knows the importance of restraint, control...maturity being delayed gratification.

Wow, I just had a vision of this weight loss surgery as just another prison. Will it take me out of the land of food instead of equipping me to live there. Will it make me more of a slave to food than to be free from it. Will it make me a slave to supplements and potential hazards from changing God's design. Maybe it isn't unbiblical to have this surgery but, its just cross-addicting or "out of the frying pan into another" type experience. Hmmmm..is this the clarity I was looking for?

We will see as I continue. I am not ready to make my decision yet!