Crashed but not totalled

Well, I lost this particular battle today. When I gave in earlier I felt the old feelings for a moment..despair, I knew it wouldn't last, not caring, surrender...but I do now have some success under my belt..some real solid victory..so, I am going to take a different approach and cut my losses. Here is how the morning went.

Went to a brief meeting with the Psychologist required by the bariatric program. Then had about an hour I didn't expect to have. This extra "idle" time mixed together with the mood I was in ...bad combo. I called 2 people to get prayer. 1 was available and prayed. I went into a store looking for some Popsicle molds..came out with some chocolate and some licorice...I ate. I actually tried to really savor the chocolate to see if that was enough to satisfy the ever growing urge... but can you really savor licorice?

Then drove to get Daniel but, again, had about 30 minutes until he was done with pre-school. It was close to lunch time and, disguising my binge as lunch, I stopped to get a cheeseburger and some mozzarella sticks...I ate and became physically full...still not satisfied...I am seeing it, the mistake, the weakness, the switch of control and restraint being turned off in order to indulge without conviction...I am very sad (tears). I am sad that I keep vacillating in my choice of who to serve...

Once at home with Daniel down for a nap I can regain control and look at what happened. I knew this was a tough day from the very beginning. I should have kept myself busy and not go into places like stores with candy counters. I probably should have come home and cleaned or worked on my taxes..etc..

Regardless of the tips I should have followed, it was a series of choices today and I made the wrong one. I took my eyes off of my strength for just long enough to indulge my desire to fill myself with food instead of remaining empty and turning to Jesus for my filling. I mentioned it being like a switch that I turn off to indulge and then turn back on. Is it back on? I think its back on. I could have kept eating, especially now that I am alone.

Why do I turn it off? How can I prevent myself from turning it off. I need help! I crashed today but I am not completely totalled...The struggle continues.