After my morning crash yesterday, I was able to recommit pretty quickly to this journey. I think I am going to move on. The rest of the day, yesterday was pretty controlled. I ate 1 slice of pizza for dinner. I never eat one slice of pizza. I am still moving in the right direction.
Another issue that came up yesterday was my confusion on the bariatic surgery I am considering. I walked out of the appt with the Psychologist they require and I sat in my car and just cried. I have no clarity on this yet. I see people with great success when I go into the center, I have even talked with a few and they always say "This is the best thing I have ever done for myself" but I still have so much fear about how this will change my body and my eating. I am still afraid of only being able to eat ridiculously small amounts of food and the complications that you can have from this type of surgery. I am struggling with belief that God is going to give me clarity on this and that I am just going to end up making this decision out of fear or desperation.
Why do I doubt him? He has never let me down and has given me more insight, clarity and direction than I could have ever asked for in the past. Its the transition time...the waiting. I have never considered waiting one of my strengths...I guess I need to just suck it up and wait..and trust that you will speak to me when the time is right.
This uncertainty contributed to the fall yesterday, I'm sure. I need to learn how to rise above the pain of the moment and keep my eyes on this process of change. Some day soon I need to have a day like this and not have it effect the way I eat. I think it may be coming...again, the waiting...but while I wait, I search and I struggle...this is active waiting.
I read Mark 7: (?) about God declaring no food unclean and I thought to myself...I want to eat real food...I want to enjoy all food. Fat free and light and lowfat food rarely satisfies me. I have seen many people incorporate these foods into there diet and it works well for them to maintain a healthy eating plan. Because of my desire for the experience and my intense desire for taste it never has been an effective tool for me. right now, I feel like God is allowing me all foods but, I am convinced like never before that I need to continue to reduce my intake of food, not necessarily what the food is that I am eating , at least that's not the focus right now. Prayer circle, please pray, pay, pray!
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