Day Two

I have had a cold since before Christmas. The cold subsided for awhile and left an annoying cough for a week or two, the cold came back for a few days and has been switching off between my sinuses and my chest...viral bronchitis my doctor calls it and it can not be treated with antibiotics..just an albuteral inhaler which seems to do nothing for me. My sinuses have been blocked up on and off for a week or 2 now. Its starting to subside but the reason I am recording this is because I have not been able to taste food well for the duration of my blocked sinus condition. Would you believe that the first few days, when I couldn't taste food at all, I was still compelled to overeat. I had all the cravings and intense desire for things I couldn't even taste. It went way past hunger and on to filling the void. It was remarkable to me as I absolutely got a clear picture of the addictive forces at work, that I was completely out of touch with bodily hunger and why we need food in the first place. I would put food in my mouth and feel the texture of it which did produce some satisfaction but there was no taste to savor. Wow, how powerless am I??? Even during the times when I am not getting the experience out of the food, I am still compelled to eat it and eat it in an unbalanced way. I could have chosen liver and onions for breakfast instead of a cheese omelet and not noticed the difference but I still ate what I was used to craving, carbs...is this insanity or what?

I have to say though..as the days go on with blocked sinuses, I am getting used to it and I am able to curb the cravings somewhat. I go to eat a meal or a snack and I remember that I can't taste so I end up taking less. Its an interesting way to diet!!

I do find myself, when my sinuses open up thinking, "Yea, now my taste is back" and I look forward to things I can it. How do I stop this obsession with food? In the words of every 12-step program..I acknowledge that I am powerless over this struggle. It has to be you, Lord who helps me change the thought process and the behavior.

At dinner this evening, I made some black bean tacos with feta cheese and a Cole slaw tossed in lime juice..its one of our favorites and very healthy. I ate one and gave the other to Ken. I was able to curb the ravenous beast because of the NO-taste thing. Later that evening, as we were watching TV...I was really wanting to snack. I had a small snack but wanted more. I turned to Ken and told him how I was feeling. I talked about things I wanted at that moment but as if verbalizing it was enough, I didn't take anything. The usual routine is that Ken goes off to bed earlier than me and I stay up and watch a little more TV...and eat. I went to bed with Ken and told him why I was going up with him. This confession was totally out of character for me and so is this confession, in this blog. If I verbalize these struggle more, will it lessen the intensity of this beast...Am I seeing signs of this.

The closet eating has been a problem since childhood. I used to come home from school and take food up to my room to eat where no one could see me...this nighttime eating is the same...why do I wait until I am alone to binge like this...its got to stop.