Went to Church this morning and coughed my way through it, trying not to disturb the people around me. Came home and I am taking it easy today..trying not to talk much..getting caught up on stuff. This cough is just getting ridiculous.
Read Romans 12:1 - 2 again today...where it talks about presenting your body as a living sacrifice...to not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind...it also says that by testing, I will be able to discern the will of God and what is good, acceptable and perfect. I wanted to reread these verses again and spend some time thinking about them more than the other day.
I have not presented my body as a living sacrifice, this I know! I experience the intense feelings of failure every time I look at myself in the mirror. My body image issues run deep. I have spent some time trying to reverse the deep running neuropathways that tell me that I am ugly and unacceptable. I haven't arrived yet at being free from these negative thoughts and feelings but I have worked through much of it. I like quite a bit about myself...mostly stuff on the inside. I think I will deal more with that later..its a blog all on its own I think!
How do you present yourself as a living sacrifice? I think in this case, it means to die to the intense desires for certain foods and certain amounts of food...to die to the desire for excess or the experience of food over healthful eating. Some people may think I am making too big a deal about the type or amount of food I eat or that I am over-spiritualizing this struggle. think I am right where I am suppose to be struggling through this. I think that my reading of this verse is very timely in this journey. Especially with my breakdown the other day when I was feeling lack of clarity about the surgery and frustrated at not having a clear direction. I think that God is encouraging me to not follow human suggestion...some people think this is a great next step in this journey, others think I do not need surgery..that it is not the answer. I seem to be internally swayed from day to day about what path I think I am on based on the things I am hearing from people that come my way and have an opinion. This kind of vacillation is exhausting. Its not that I want to shield myself from what people have to say...I want to hear opinions and stories and experiences...the exhausting part is latching on to each tidbit of info and riding that person's conviction for awhile as if it is the deciding factor I have been waiting for. I want to listen to opinion, story and experience and still look to God for my direction. I still want him to tell me which direction I should be moving...I want to continue this mind renewal experience. I believe that God will reveal his will at some point...I am so impatient...he is asking me to wait and will give me all the answers I desire when the time is right...ugghh, how I hate to wait. I want what is good and acceptable and perfect....please pray that I can wait for that...It may be more than 40 days!!!
Tuesday I meet with the surgeon to discuss the type of surgery that is best for me. I still need to get an endoscopy done and meet with the nutritionist one more time...then I could be scheduled for surgery...in the beginning of this journey..I would have been thrilled that it is moving along so quickly...now, I feel a bit rushed through this process. Again, the world would have me scheduled already....I need to not conform to the worlds schedule...or even the surgeons schedule. There is a support group that meets every third Tuesday...it happens to be this Tuesday as well. It will be interesting to see how the meeting with the surgeon goes and then the support group.
I am moving toward a place where I have to make a decision...soon, not tomorrow, but soon. I do not want to waste time and money on either side if I am not going to choose surgery. I was told by the nurse that they spend an average of 8 hours on the phone with the insurance company at some point, trying to get me approved...can you imagine all the people I have had spending time, performing tests, taking information and counseling me through this process...only to say, thanks for all that work but I think I am going to pass. It's much to think about...please pray that I do not get too caught up in this kind of stuff..that I just move faithfully forward in my quest for what God says is good and acceptable and perfect, believing that its all worth it...it has been so far.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Sounds good to me!
ReplyDeleteI have no doubts that God will clearly diret you whether to have surgery or not- and don't worry about people spending the time to prepare you- it's their job and they're getting paid for it -whether or not you move forward with the surgery. God will surely direct your path- you have your eyes on Him.
ReplyDelete