Woke up this morning feeling much less angst and weepyness...feeling a bit confused by what I experienced the last 2 days but knowing that I just have to move ahead. I am trying not to let the fears I am having sway me in either direction...I had a meeting set up with someone this morning to talk and pray about clarity and direction. I find it amazing that we were going to have this discussion 2 weeks ago but our schedules didn't mesh until this day..I think that our discussion was much different today than it would have been at the beginning of this journey.
I overate this morning..consciously making the choice to overeat in the midst of feeling confused and weary and unsettled...did I really think that this was all going to go away after 1 cathartic experience...no, it is still a journey, I still have to choose Jesus, not my food of choice as salve for my wounded heart.
As we sat and talked about the happenings since this journey began,,,The person I was talking to suggested that I had gone through a true heart repentance...not that I had..that I am going through it. I had not thought of my experience in these terms but it did occur to me that any repentance I have ever felt for this struggle in the past has really been a surface scratching and false repentance in order to hopefully inspire God to help me lose weight..not a true opening of my heart and a release and ownership over all the bad choices I have made when it comes to this life long struggle. A true forgiveness to anyone and anything that has made it difficult along the way...a true eye opening to what the real struggle is here....I think this might have been the beginning of that....as heart wrenching as it was to go through that emotion...I want more. I want it all out in the open, I want to deal with it all...I want it gone from the depths of my inner self.
I have thought, arrogantly, over the years that my struggle is unique and maybe worse than what others go through...I have had plenty of self-focused pity parties...I have done plenty of blaming society and the placement of food in my path for my bad food choices. I have been so angry at God for not freeing me from this long ago. I have missed out on blessing others and I am sure plenty of opportunities where God might have wanted to use me in the lives of others because I was completely focused on my struggle and obsessing about my food life.
Does any of this make my decision to have surgery any easier? Maybe...what I do know is that, for now, the struggle is more about my heart than it is about the plan to lose weight. Its not even about getting rid of the Diabetes, high cholesterol or high blood pressure right now...I need to continue to move forward and hunger and thirst for what God wants to teach me about true heart change, about true sacrifice, about what it means to turn to him in the midst of temptation..about having an outwardly focused heart and life.
What I haven't recorded yet is that I have dropped 8 pounds since starting this journal. The most exciting part about that is that I lost this weight without the latest, greatest diet, without choosing what works for others, without restrictive eating or dare I say it..keeping a "list of foods I ate today". None of these tools are bad, they just were not on this particular part of the journey...In addition to the 8 physical pounds..I feel like I have released 3 times that in emotional baggage...we will see what happens with the rest.
Re: The surgery
The clarity that I have Right now is to put the process on hold for maybe 30 days. To not move ahead as if I am definitely having the surgery..which means more invasive visits with a cardiologist, a pulminologist (sp?), a sleep study and an endoscopy. I don't want to postpone it to the point where the work I have done so far is null and void and I would have to do that all over again...I just want to stop the focus on that temporarily and work on my heart and thought life for a while.
I see the clarity...sweet clarity...on the horizon.
By the way,someone left a comment on yesterdays post..."AA" who are you and thank you for your timely feedback on the surgery.
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Just had time to catch up on the blog. Your journey is such a sweet testimony of God's deep work in your heart. You seem to be moving in such a good direction, not looking for quick, easy answers but following your Good Shepherd, responding to him, clinging to him, finding him strong and loving and near. Such an encouragement.
ReplyDeleteWow. I agree with Jan's comment.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHiya,
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. I just felt as if maybe I could lend a hand since I've gone through some of what you're experiencing.
You can reach me [if you'd like more info.] at obesityhelp.com. You can always send me a PM through there. I'll be honest with you and tell you the good and the bad re: the DS (at least as how I've found it to be).
Hope you're feeling better & I think it's prob. a good idea to put it on hold for awhile. You're right. It's a lot of tests and it took me a year to decide on weight loss surgery & then another year of researching it to decide on which was right for ME. So, take your time and get your bearings.